Responsibility: the ability to respond and choose our response.  Don’t we all want more ways and a greater ability to respond to Tango music? to our Tango partner? to navigational changes? to Tango movement? to our emotions? to the events of LIFE?  Of course. But HOW? How does a Tango Warrior gain a greater ability to respond to all matters of Tango and life?  The deeper question is how do we learn, grow and change most effectively.

A Tango Warrior eagerly takes on responsibility when they stop DENYING awareness of the choices they make, and approach learning through highly discerning feedback

The CON of Responsibility

The CON of responsibility is that we think we need to DO MORE things to gain responsibility.  A teacher of metaphysics taught me a way to learn responsibility was to take on more- more projects, more classes, more volunteering, more challenges.  A part of me, even at my young age of 17, felt my teacher had CONNED me in some way.  It seemed that my teacher just wanted me to do more, and in doing more, I did not really gain that much more ability to respond.  In fact, many of my mentors have held a similar perspective that I will grow and learn by taking on more- doing more.  However, none of them gave me the critical distinction that makes a huge difference with growing my ability to respond WHILE taking on more work or doing more.  I had been conned.

Highly Discerning Feedback

Highly discerning feedback (HDF) vastly accelerates learning, promoting great change, growth and evolution in any endeavor.  For example, I could do thousands of voleos without changing/ learning much of anything, and most likely would just entrench existing movement patterns.  Or I could do just dozens of voleos and learn what it might take years to change.  The difference in these scenarios is that I received HDF- highly competent course corrections that gave me the exact knowledge of what I CAN change, HOW to change, AND how to be aware if I am getting closer or further from what I am trying to change.

Lifting the Great Weight of Responsibility

When most people hear the word “responsibility”, they often associate great weight with the word- pain, burden, duty, accountability, and negativity.  Without HDF, “responsibility” often becomes weighty.  In addition, it appears challenging to find HDF.  I often have had to look with much effort to uncover who or what has the HDF.  In another blog I referred to one aspect of HDF as deeper truth.  A Tango Warrior lifts the great weight of responsibility by relentlessly pursuing HDF whenever they want to learn, grow and change anything in their Tango or life.

The BIGGEST CON of Responsibility- Another Primary Mistake of a Tango Warrior

The biggest con of responsibility and a primary mistake of a Tango Warrior is to DENY making the choices that could or do account for what one is experiencing in their life.  Many definitions of responsibility are about being accountable.  But originally, an individual MADE choices that had them ACCEPT those accountabilities, those responsibilities. Ultimately, the weight around responsibility is an outcome of denial of the choices made!

Perhaps some events just happen – that is highly debatable.  However, what seems much less debatable is that the quality and meaning of any event is 100% our choice, that our lives are the consequences of choices we really did make- not just random occurrences.  Furthermore, we have much more influence of what events and people we draw to us than we exercise and use.

The Way of the Tango Warrior’s Second Responsibility- RESPONSIBILITY

• First Responsibility: A Tango Warrior accepts that NO WAY exists- that there are only choices and consequences of those choices
• Second Responsibility: A Tango Warrior does not DENY their choices, but is aware they DID MAKE choices that have vastly influenced their experience and nature of their present life.  And a Tango Warrior is able to deal with responsibility by seeking out HDF in their learning.

The Way of the Tango Warrior begins with exploring NO WAY.  My first responsibility as a Tango Warrior is to explore the possibility that there is no THE WAY or THE PATH to dance Tango, only choices made and consequences to those choices.

Primary mistake of a Tango Warrior

A primary mistake of a Tango Warrior is to try to find THE WAY, or  THE PATH to dance and learn Tango.  I started in Tango looking for THE WAY.  Ouch – I only found pain in that looking.

Trying to find THE WAY held me prisoner in a self-made cage of denial.  Denial, a huge consequence of trying to find THE WAY, robbed me of the awareness of what choices I was making, and consequences of those choices.  Doing a movement without understanding other choices exist, and the consequence of that choice, amounted to a continual seeking of THE WAY.

In Tango I hear many people looking for THE PATH to dance and/or learn Tango.  Also I have heard some Tango dancers espouse ONE way of doing something, such as THE WAY to dance Tango is to always lean against your partner.  I have heard others say the opposite.  A Tango Warrior explores different choices available, and explores and uncovers the consequences of dancing those choices.

For example, in Tango their exists several possible points of connection and balance in relation to one’s partner.  I could dance with my physical connection point in my upper chest, and lean into my partner.  The extreme of this is referred to as apillado.  Each partner is committed to some extent to the other for their balance.   I liken this frame of balance to an A frame. It looks like this-  /\ .

Another choice is to connect physically at the lower abdomen.  Each person is balanced on their own.  I call this frame a B frame, or B standing for be on your own.  It looks more like this- \/.

Personally, I enjoy exploring and dancing along the continuum of points of connection and balance depending on what I feel in my Self, feel in my partner, feel in the music, and feel in the other dancers on the milonga floor.

As in Tango, as in life

An online friend wrote to me, “I’m glad to hear you’ve found your path.”  I responded, “Does anyone really lose their path?  Perhaps one forgets the path they are on, or denies the path they are on.” I acknowledge I am always on a path, which is a gestalt of all the choices I make.  And every choice has a consequence.

When I want to gain awareness of the path I am on, I simply observe what I do with my time, who is in my life, what my current experiences, feelings and thoughts are, what I own and owe and how I treat others.  All of THAT  is the consequence of all of my choices.  Perhaps some of the choices I had available to me were not what I wanted.  However, I am always making choices.

Liberation in learning Tango

Liberation in Tango, enjoying and having way more fun as I learned and danced Tango ensued when I acknowledged there is NO WAY, no path, no assurances, no easy step-by-step guaranteed way to dance Tango.  As in Tango, as in my life, I have not found a path, but simply acknowledged the path I am always on- the choices I make and the consequences of those choices.

The Way of the Tango Warrior’s Second Responsibility- RESPONSIBILITY

However, once I travel as a Tango Warrior in NO WAY, that no ONE PATH or ONE WAY exists, then I must then accept the Way of the Tango Warrior’s Second Responsibility- RESPONSIBILITY.

This is my first day living in Seattle, 8 months after I snapped out of a 4 ½ year Tango Trance through my exploration of how I have not been fully authentic in Tango nor life by dancing and living as an apology.  During my last night living in Boulder, CO, I watched The Way of the Peaceful Warrior for a third time.  This movie acted as a salve for personal painful events over the past 8 months, as the movie prompted me to reflect on how my choices over these past months are my life course corrections to dance and live more authentically.

Dan Millman, the main character of The Way of the Peaceful Warrior, takes a journey into winning a National gymnastics title which guides him in meeting a spiritual master/ warrior, Socrates.  Socrates teaches Dan a way to excel in gymnastics through becoming a better person- physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually- living more authentically.  I liken my own Tango/ life guide, Ulyssess, as my Socrates.  Over two years ago, Ulyssess offered me the red pill of the TANGO MATRIX, which eventually snapped out of my Tango trance, and prompted me over the past 8 months to make the following choices:

• Gave up my RV
• Moved to Seattle with the intention of setting down roots
• Gave up a lifestyle of intensive traveling to build community in Seattle
• Revamped and aligned my life-skill offerings as a psychotherapist, life-coach, author and presenter which I detail on my new website- WakeUpYourLife.com
• Reconnected with a 25 year intention of offering E.S.P. Journeys and crafted a path create and produce these journeys, starting in Seattle
• Made physical and financial health a priority
• Gone back to the Martial Arts I did in my late teens
• Taken on the study of social dynamics so evident in the world of Argentine Tango and life

Even though I have not danced a lot of Tango, all of these choices support dancing Tango and living more authentically, better and with greater joy.  I am thankful for all who have helped me on my journey over the past 8 months!  And I am thankful to have arrived in Seattle.

I just snapped out of a 4 ½ year Tango Trance through my exploration of how I have not been fully authentic in Tango nor life by dancing and living as an apology.

What does it take to live and dance authentically?

In Tango, my authentic dance is passionate, cheesy, over the top dramatic at times, silly, playful, fun, mistakes sprinkled throughout, sensuous, does not follow some Tango rules, sad, slow, pauses, melodic, repetitive, and sloppy at times.

In dancing more authentically, I would: open up my embrace more often and check out the mischief I can get into with my partner; dance slower; dance all 5 movement elements in a tanda; lead vocabulary I have not used much; use less energy in my lead; use more pauses; use less motion but more efficiency; breathe more; be sillier; and experiment with how fun movement in Tango can be. And I would train WAY more focused at practicas.  Bottom line is that I would experiment a huge amount of time.

I have experimented a little here in Portland with dancing my dance at practicas.  Overall, I liked where I saw my exploration going.  However, I also received a little of what I consider harsh responses a few times, which were harsh enough to make me deeply reflect if I wanted to continue to experiment much at all.

What is of greater interest now is how I am expressing myself in life.  Well, my life has mostly been Tango.  So many times I have sat in Milonga halls and thought to myself, this is my life, and how do I feel about spending a third to half of my waking hours in milongas/ practicas?  At times I have desired to experience 40 festivals in a year – seriously!

My life has not worked so good living in Milonga halls.  Don’t get me wrong – I am so in love with Tango.  Yet in dealing with the world of Tango, and living most of my life within this world, I discovered that many other things in life I want are not manifesting and probably won’t in Tango in the near future or ever.

So, I went out of the Tango world and checked out a little of what was going on in Portland.  For the first time here I looked at an events calendar outside of Tango and explored.  In 3 days I went to opening night of 3 storytellers sharing their tales; OMSI- planetarium show, Imax show, exhibits; witnessed ecstatic dance; and went on a date with someone outside of Tango for the first time in 4 ½ years.

As I snapped out of this 4 ½ year Tango trance, I became clear of what my authentic dance and life is now.

In life, my authenticity is expressing my imagination, creativity and full life force by sparking people alive to their true radiance, and emotionally moving and inspiring them to make a difference on helping humanity radiate its brilliance.

How I do this is by creating and facilitating E.S.P. Multi-Media & Sensory Journeys™ — Emotional, Spiritual and Physical journeys through multi-media and sensory technologies, dramatic storytelling, intentional breath and other surprises.

My intention is through these journeys, each individual is delightfully compelled to reflect, heal, shift perspectives, inspired, and takes action upon their own soul’s desires, and leaves the journey revitalized, energized, more awake, more aware, humbled, humored, emotionally moved and consistently reports feeling more alive weeks after the experience.

Thanks Tango.  Thanks Portland.  I leave with an excerpt from Jerusalem by Meister Eckhart:

“Who must God have made love to in order to have given birth to all this sound, to this sacred spectrum of color, scents, and music from the wind’s body and existence’s plea for mercy – that plea for the real mercy, unbearable joy?  Once we had four legs and tails so useful to balance our raid into heaven, and I found them again.

I am a swimming galaxy tonight.  Angels prowl around me hoping I will toss them a fresh piece of light — here dears, here, my sack is full.”

What first showed up in my Tango dancing as “dancing as an apology”, has spread and consumed my thoughts and being of where I will invest my life energy in now. I have arrived at the edge of a huge chasm, a chasm of what I am creating in my life now, across to what I have wanted to do for a quarter of a century.  I feel pain in the contrast of what my life is and what I want it to be, and it is unbearable.

I clearly remember one of the few times I faced a chasm, 17 years ago – I had just returned from leading a group of 46 college students from the University of Madison, Wisconsin on a ski trip to Winter Park, CO.  I experienced bliss in so many ways before and during this trip.  In 6 days I created this trip and sold it out, even though the rest of the club thought it was impossible, telling me I could not do it.

Furthermore, we had a foot of fresh powder waiting for us the next morning – poetic justice for the ski club leaders that told me I could not do what I did, for their trip of 4 buses that went to Jackson Hole, WY, encountered icy conditions.

On my trip, I facilitated a lot of community building – I secured a $1200 kitty (usually only $300) so I could cater food on the ski hill and fund theme parties for the whole group to be together at night; and I asked questions from the “book of questions” so people shared from their hearts, getting to know each other deeper than usual.  This trip was not your average Spring break college trip!

I returned from Winter Park looking at my current life and acknowledged, I would rather kill myself than continue living without more of what I just created.  I am not into suicide, so I thought what is the craziest thing I could do with my life?  Ahhhh, just do what I really want!

Inspired as a crazed magician, a few hours later I had thrust my life on a hugely different beneficial trajectory:  I gave a month’s notice to my landlord; told my parents I would be moving; secured a truck to move my stuff to parent’s house; went to the Student Union Travel Center, checked out 300 potential jobs in the tour guide industry and chose one – Suntrek;  called Suntrek, got their application faxed to me, filled it out and had it ready for the next day’s mail; began packing my belongings in my apartment – all this not knowing if I had a job or not.  I had faith I would get a job in the tour guide industry one way or another.

Now I am at the same auspicious spot in life – choosing a different path that goes far beyond my current programming of beliefs that tell me I only deserve such and such, and life is hard, and I could not really create what I truly want successfully.  The life I am imagining is HUGE – way bigger than I have allowed myself to live.  I need to take a huge leap of faith, trusting that what I do will lead to what I imagine.

My primary question is- what do we use to take the leap of faith to radically change our programming when what we want goes far beyond our programming (our beliefs)?  You can not cross a chasm in a few small jumps.

I am left with one of my favorite inspirational quotes:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson

This pic captures the apology, "I Am Sorry", as well as the vulnerability and nakedness that goes with dancing/ living as an apology

I am angry, sad and astonished in uncovering how much I have danced and lived as an apology.

In Tango my apologies have shown up as me thinking: I am sorry I can only dance at this level, for I know you are used to dancing at such a higher level; I am sorry I am so silly in my dance; I am sorry I could not lead this move so clearly that you easily got it; I am sorry I experimented in trying some new way of moving with you; I am sorry I asked you to dance when you might be waiting to be asked by someone better than me; I am sorry I interrupted your attention on trying to get a dance with someone else; I am sorry you danced with me when you could have danced with someone better; I am sorry I asked you to work harder at staying on your axis and moving on your own; I am sorry…

I have danced for the woman way too much – I want to play and experiment, yet I do not with many women for it feels that they want some version of a proper trance dance, or just proper Tango.  A few times some women have had strong emotionally charged responses to one or two of my silly moves.

Down in Buenos Aires, Gustavo Naviera exposed my “problem”.  I went up to him during a class, and asked him what was I doing wrong.  I said, “I am not really getting what I want, even though she is following what I am leading, it does not feel right.  Something is off.”

He said, “Your technique is fine and good.  But I see your problem.  Your problem is you are dancing for the woman.  STOP!  Don’t dance for the woman.  Dance for yourself.  Be like a mountain, and move ONLY when you want to move, not when she wants you to move.  You might be a mountain for a whole phrase or two.  If she does not like it, let her not like it.  She can dance with someone else.  I want her to feel YOUR dance.”

His words shook me up.  I thought to myself:  what if she doesn’t like it?; what if I make her work a lot?; what if she makes a lot of mistakes and thinks she is a bad dancer?; what if…

These apologies show up in life oh so easily, even when I have acted with mindfulness and heart:  I am sorry to shake up your world with my perspectives; I am sorry to ask questions you consider personal; I am sorry to point out inconsistencies in your beliefs by asking for clarification; I am sorry to call you on questionable integrity in some area of your life; I am sorry to ask you to share your inner feelings; I am sorry to ask you to dare to be better; I am sorry to ask you to please follow through with your promises to me; I am sorry to ask you to be more of who you really are; I am sorry to ask for your help being that it might be an inconvenience; I am sorry…

I am so emotionally raw because of repeatedly being beaten down from dancing as an apology.  Recently I have welled up with tears at milongas and practicas, quickly wiping my eyes and stuffing my emotions, hoping no one saw my vulnerability.

And I am scared to show my vulnerability, for I do not want anyone to take advantage of that.  My father did.

I want to dance MY dance authentically.  What does that look like exactly? …

What if the opposite is the deeper truth -- "I am NOT OK, and you are NOT OK, but that is OK?"

As I set my sights on residing in MAGIC on Sunday, I sat in shadow and succumbed to a suppression of my spirit.  The Tango Matrix revealed one of its rules, illuminating how I have approached women for the first time in Tango, as well as potential intimate relationships, both with seemingly awesome women.

I got that I have held layers of beliefs that has had me thinking that “I am NOT OK, and that it is NOT OK that I am NOT OK.”  Many in the Psychology field refer to this as negative self-talk, self-esteem issues, or a negative view of ourselves.  However NOT OK is languaged, what remains is an issue that many struggle with in Tango and life – self-confidence.

Self Confidence as defined by Wikipedia:

Self-confidence does not necessarily imply ‘self-belief’ or a belief in one’s ability to succeed. For instance, one may be inept at a particular sport or activity, but remain ‘confident‘ in one‘s demeanor, simply because one does not place a great deal of emphasis on the outcome of the activity. The key element to self-confidence is, therefore, an acceptance of the myriad consequences of a particular situation, be they good or bad. When one does not dwell on negative consequences one can be more ‘self-confident‘ because one is worrying far less about failure or (more accurately) the disapproval of others following potential failure. One is then more likely to focus on the actual situation which means that enjoyment and success in that situation is also more probable.  If there is any ‘self-belief’ component it is simply a belief in one’s ability to tolerate whatever outcome may arise; a certainty that one will cope irrespective of what happens.

Could it be true that pretty much we all believe on some level that we are NOT OK - even the high level dancers that can get a dance with most anyone.  Furthermore, most likely many believe, “I am NOT OK, but you ARE OK” or an 80′s pop-psych affirmation, “I am OK, and you are OK.”  However, a deeper truth hidden within the Tango Matrix is, “I am NOT OK, and you are NOT OK – but that is OK.”

Well, I say, so let’s get on with having fun living. If this deeper truth exists, then it is quite ironic that we suppress our life and spirit by not taking risks because we falsely believe others are OK, but really they are NOT OK.  Therefore, if we know that everybody is in the same boat (NOT OK), and that everybody has similar insecurities, limiting beliefs and cares about being accepted, then it seems easy to make all this NOT OK stuff, OK.  In believing that everybody is NOT OK, can’t we risk a lot more and be freer with our actions?

How this belief of “I am NOT OK” has personally played out at milongas is when I have not asked a particular woman to dance, for I believe I can not give her a good dance.  I realize I care a lot whether she has a mediocre dance or even a bad dance.  Let’s say I don’t give her a good dance.  What is the worst that can happen?  She could say thank you in the middle of the first song, with an obvious non-verbal display of disgust.  Well, that hurts.  Why does it hurt?  Honestly, I seem to care if I gave her a bad dance and judge myself as NOT OK if she had a bad dance.  That seems horrible.  I cringe at this.  Why?

In amusement, I realize I am taking responsibility for her experience.  I remember how so many times I told clients that they can never make someone feel anything.  What a person feels is generated within their own head, nervous system and body.  None of us give someone anger or sadness or fear or happiness.  We might be a stimulus, but their response is of their own generation.

I am hallucinating that I create “a bad dance experience” within a woman.  I know from my own experiences that if I dance with a beginner or an intermediate dancer, I care little of their technique (unless they are hanging on me, which is painful to some degree).  I just want to connect with a tanguera and express what I sense in the music as I move with them.  I rarely have bad dances – the bad dances (what I perceive as a bad dance) is when a woman uses me to balance herself or she does not attempt to connect with me.

I have observed people that almost always have good dances are not as concerned about the outcome, but are present to themselves and their partner.  And these present dancers tend to be good people, kind to many and heartfelt.  I have also noticed another type of dancer that attempts to dance with only the best dancers, displays snobbish behavior and is rude to many.  They tend to have a hard time connecting, have quite a few insecurities, posture to gain status and care so much in how they appear to others.

So what happens when I don’t take responsibility of someone else’s experience such as a mediocre or bad dance?  What if I let each woman just choose and create her experience and do my best to connect?  What if we all believed that “I am not OK, and you are not OK – but that is OK” and got on with dancing and living?

What if?