I am in a Tango Meltdown.  I’m sure most of you know what I mean, and probably have different words for it.  Though I have had many in the past 19 months, this one ranks in my top 5.  What I mean by a Tango Meltdown is when I have so many emotional issues come up that I need to process the issues outside of Tango.  I might not dance for a couple of days while I process.  Also, a meltdown once processed, results in a definitive life change and certainly a change in my dancing.

The short version of my current meltdown is that I am acutely aware of how I am underachieving, underproducing and under a cloud.  The long version follows.

BACKGROUND – For the past 19 months I have basically had one great consulting job, which has supported me in that time.  And I kicked butt as I quintupled my client’s profitability in that time.  Ever since I realized that Tango was my life 16 months ago, I understood that my income producing efforts would eventually come from within my Tango activities and offshoots such as training dancers to learn much more quickly.  Therefore, I put all of my financial and time resources into my Tango training and dancing.

MELTDOWN – Now I am in the place of needing to choose how to direct time/ money/ energy/ mind resources to produce income.  I am sure that I can produce plenty of income for I am aware that I have valuable gifts to offer the world of Tango from my 2 decades of human potential & psychological training; my skills directly apply.  However, there is this thing called a TIME LAG.  It does take some amount of time to produce results once I direct my personal resources.  So, I am taking this time lag into account, and realizing if the time lag is great, I might have to choose to do something that is not directly related to Tango for income.

How many of you are in this same boat???

Why I am in a meltdown around this time lag is that from past experience and what I know, I could blast through this time lag and produce income in a short time.  However, to do this means I must go from my current 35% capable work output to 80%⁺.  I am personally getting how my current low level of producing is thwarting my greatest dreams with Tango.  Furthermore, since I started Tango I have only progressed at 35% of what I am capable of.  My personal truth of how I am underachieving has dredged up a lot of emotional issues around me putting my self out, living my potential, and standing in my power.

I do want to acknowledge that I have certainly progressed very quickly in the Tango world.  However, I hold this awareness of how I have been underachieving, for I have only used a portion of the many cutting-edge training tools and methodologies that I could use.

To add insult to injury, people around me tell me I am being hard on my self.  This always irks me.  Don’t you also know where you have been underachieving yet people don’t know it because your underachieving seems like overachieving?  And then to be told by someone that your personal awareness of how you know you are doing far less than you are capable of is just you beating up on yourself?  When someone tells me I am beating up on myself, my interpretation is that they are trying to make an excuse for me to continue to underachieve, live little of my potential and just sleepwalk through life.

So, I am left with my meltdown of an in-my-face personal truth of how I am underachieving.  I am far from my Tango abilities of where I could be by now.  And if I do not stand up in my power and produce, I will see the distance of where I am at from where I could be grow!  That is painful!

The payoffs in being further along in Tango are great — giving incredible tango trance dances, attracting great dancers, being able to dance better with all levels of dancers, being able to express more of what I feel in the music, being able to teach people how to learn much more quickly, having even more fun, traveling to milongas all over the world and being around my Tango friends even more.  I want these payoffs NOW!

So, I’mmmmmmmmmmmm back.  I’ve processed much of my Tango meltdown.  What is arising from my processing is a substantial increase of my output.  I would say I am at about 55% of my capability to put my Self out in the Tango world and will experience an even greater increase in the days to come.

Tango has become an incredible vehicle for personal therapy, spiritual growth, interpersonal skill development, political skill development and physical therapy.  It is somewhat unbelievable to outsiders of Tango as to the benefits that truly exist within the dance of Tango.

Meltdowns are essentially breakdowns, and what is on the other side of breakdowns when processed are breakthroughs.  I love Tango to no end.  I am about to experience a whole world of Tango during this upcoming festival here in Denver, and look forward to whatever breakdowns and breakthroughs I may have.  And of course, the utter bliss that awaits is electrifying my air.

I have found that the ability to process emotions is directly related to the ability to cultivate many skills within Tango (and life).  And the greater processing ability one has, the greater speed in which Tango skills can be cultivated.  The opposite is also in effect – if one has a challenging time processing emotions and emotional issues, the harder it is to make progress in cultivating Tango skills.

About last night – I attended the very popular Tuesday night practica at the Denver Turnverein.  Over 150 people attended, with some out-of-towners showing up early for our big festival.  I want to share my deep gratitude for what the sole founder and organizer Tom Stermitz has created – the Denver Memorial Day and Labor Day festivals.  These festivals attract many wonderful dancers from around the world into our community, and infuse my own being with many experiences, connection, a deepening of Tango skills, and overall bliss.  I am inspired to manifest dancing at 2-3 festivals every month!

I sit here contemplating how to start my blog while listening to “Nothing Else Matters” by Inquisition Symphony.  I chose this song because of its complexity, beauty, and the depth of which it permeates my soul.  Tango does this to me – permeates my soul.  Tango does more than this – 95% of what I am passionate about shows up in Tango – Tango FEEDS me, pulls me, shoves me, heals me, cuts me, angers me, humbles me, loves me, spits at me and caresses me.  Tango is my life now, and there has been no going back for quite some time.  Tango is my mistress, and from the beginning she seduced me as the most horrifying but enchanting of sirens.

I started dancing and training in Tango on November 3rd, 2005.  Since I started Tango my life has become so completely different.  I am actually embarrassed at some of the changes – from health nut to healthy but a cigar aficionado; from facilitator of Soul/ life changes and healer to business consultant doubling the profitability of businesses in under 1 year; from caring about many politically correct things to caring more about alternative music versus traditional tango music.

Enough of the changes – I sit here on the precipice of putting my self out as not just a dancer, but as a new teacher, tango web resource and community leader.  I am scared – even though I have heard from many who do like me and give me lots of encouragement, I have also heard from a few people who do not like me.  I want to be liked.  Pretty common, eh?

Tango has become my community.  And I want to contribute much more.  And now I am reading over my last paragraph, concerned how I will be perceived by even putting these words out.  I just want to dance.  Actually, I want much more than this.  I want to help bring others to this world of Tango.  In my deep desire to share my own joy and invite and inspire others to join in, I must put my self out.  It is not OK to just sit by dancing, and NOT share my joy, my knowledge, my passion of what has grabbed and dragged my Soul into such a vastly different world.

Now what?  Continue sharing my bliss.

Last night was a Milonga in Boulder.  I didn’t go.  This is a rarity.  What I did instead was to watch 2 movies I own — “Van Wilder” and “American Wedding” of the American Pie series.  Why would I, a bona-fide Tanguero, intoxicated by the mistress, watch these two silly movies instead of Tango?

Emotionally, these two movies spark within very present in-my-face challenges through two characters going forth with one’s imagined dream life.  Van Wilder wrestles with going forth by daring to be great.  Jim (of American Wedding) wrestles with going forth by continuing in the face of several ridiculous and embarrassing disasters he creates.  They both prevail.  Good message.  Excellent encouragement.  I am still scared…