On Friday night (4/24) at the Mercury Cafe in Denver, CO, I experienced a surreal, confounding and emotionally charged evening at the strangest milonga I have yet witnessed.  On this night, Extasis, our local talented Tango band chose to have their CD release party.  That should have been the first clue that things would be different – parties at the Merc take on a life of their own.

The Mercury Cafe has become similar to the land of Oz – a magical, fanciful atmosphere that imbibes all who enter with a sense that they are not in Kansas anymore.  Consider the tiger jumping through a neon fire ring on the wall, various x-mas lights hanging as loops, the puppets in the rafter upstairs (don’t know if they are still there), assorted glass balls hanging, art that – is – well – art, and so many other artifacts picked out of time and space, not belonging to this time.  I LOVE this cafe!

We certainly have a cast of characters, such as the munchins (servers), which frequently disappear, not to be seen for up to 10 minutes.  In fact I usually do not know who my personal munchin is for at least 3-5 minutes.  Perhaps they get lost in the poppy fields.

OZ- Marylin, the mysterious owner that oversees all.  She has supported Tango in Colorado since its beginning, and has the loyalty of many teachers.  And she is quite the character – endearing to many.

The Wicked Witch – she exists, but I prefer not to name her perchance she casts a spell upon me.  She isn’t very nice.

Dorothy – oh, a few tangueras come to mind, but none like Elena.  So fair, kind, light and bright.  She is a delight to dance with.

The Good Witch would be JOY – she always has this presence that brings up the fleeting fact that everything is OK.  Her optimism is good-witch-worthy and I think she knows a few good spells to help out.  I am a better person around her.

Straw Man (with his brain) – I think Nick Jones for the fact that he can move in ways that are, well, straw like – flexible, amazing and fast.

Tin Man – no comment.

Toto – Roberta’s dog that makes an occasional appearance at local Tango events.

Before the surreal events unfolded, I had already experienced angst and part of my transitional crisis in my dancing.  My night had already posed the question, “Why am I here, why am I dancing, will my dancing improve significantly, when will I move to a different base?”  I had this nagging feeling to not go down to the Merc that night, but I went anyway out of my desire to connect and get floor time in as I have enjoyed working on some musicality playfulness.

Then it happened.  The monkeys descended from the sky as Marilyn announced we would have 4 Tango competitions.  Whoever participated would be judged on best fashion, best tango, best vals, best milonga.  Ouch – I got into Tango knowing competition was not part of the dance.  This was all done in good fun, but some of us were not having fun.  Speaking for myself, I felt the lingering moments of not being good enough come up when I was a very uncoordinated child in elementary school gym class events.  I was usually the last to be chosen.

And then I fast forwarded to how competitive I have been at events where I crushed my opponents – thereby feeling horrible about myself, and ruining connection with others.  Competition with others does not foster connection with myself or anyone else.

I love my own personal internal drive and desire to better myself.  I do not think Tango is a place for competition- and certainly not at a milonga.  With over an hour and 20 minutes of competition, performances, prizes, and talking – I thought, where is the dancing?  I want my $12 back.

Then after a tanda played so the judges could confer, I discovered to my dismay-  first, second and third prizes would be awarded.  The only reason I didn’t leave was to watch a promised performance with Nick and Amy.  They rocked- Nick led Amy to do things only an experienced Ballerina could do – in a Tango way.  Fun, interesting, different.  Yeah to our local talent.

Oh, Exstatis, the band, announced another competition to one of their harder to dance to songs.  I left the floor waiting for the performance and left after the performance.

But wait, there’s more, not only do you get prizes, performances, but FIRE oh my!  I will NEVER forget this image – as I sat in the upper row of seats:  all of a sudden of my right field of vision I am drawn to a large flame on top of Donna’s head as she is leading Marilyn who is balancing a large curved sword on her head.  SURREAL.  I may never see such a sight again.  And of course with Donna’s voluminous hair, it caught fire and Mark quickly rushed to blow it out.

OH MY – Oz has gotten stranger.

The single biggest way I know to get way better at dancing Tango, learning Tango, enjoying Tango, and having multiple Tangsams (Tango orgasms) is to become ALIGNED with what you are doing.  The same with life – when you truly are motivated to make your life better in any arena- relationships, jobs, hobbies, sports, health – ALIGNMENT is king.  Everything gets better when we align with what we are doing!

What do I mean by alignment?  Alignment is about getting behind what you want 100%, without doubts, with a focus on what you want and only what you want, not focusing on what you don’t want or the lack of what you want.  This is not an easy task.

A critical first step in becoming aligned with anything is to be clear on your motivation.  Why do you want what you want?  Why are you in Tango?  Why are you taking Tango classes, spending time, money and energy to learn a very hard dance?  Why are you really going to milongas?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?

As in Tango, as in life – I have found most people have not fully explored their motivation for most things they go after.  For example, in one of my seminars on how to make your life better by not procrastinating, I asked a student what she wanted.  She said she wanted a Doctorate degree.  I said, I doubt it.  Let’s find out what you really want.  ”Why do you want a Doctorate?”  She answered, to make money.  I said I and many others could teach you how to make money very quickly without spending 6 years doing a lot of work and paying a lot of money to a University.

So after a little more questioning, I find out she just wanted credibility in her industry so she could make more money in her industry.  I said I could tell you right now how you could get way more credibility without spending 6 years and thousands of dollars.  Three big ways to get credibility are:  obtain good testimonials from industry leaders (easy to get); write a book or a lot of information products; and earn credentials.  The hardest, most expensive and least effective way to get credibility is to earn a credential such as a Doctorate (for her industry).  So, if all you want is credibility, I can show you in 1 month how you can get more credibility than a Doctorate.  Her $39 class fee just paid for itself 100′s of times over.

The first thing I endeavor to find out with any Tango student is their underlying motivation for taking a class or private.  Then and only then can I actually help them, for what I teach and how I teach Tango changes, based upon their motivation.  As a student, you can help your teachers instruct you by getting very clear of why you are in Tango and then telling them!

In Tango, I have found 6 big underlying reasons people get into it.  This list is by no means comprehensive:  to experience connection; to get into a casual or significant relationship; to experience community; to engage in another recreation/ hobby; to learn body skills and the experience that comes with moving and learning with the body; and lastly, to actually learn Tango.  In other words, most people I have asked really are not learning Tango just for the learning, but some payoff – connection, relationship, community, recreation, and/ or body skills.

What is your motivation?  Your answer is KEY to dancing, learning, and enjoying Tango.  If you want to experience more connection, then learning what I call Essential Tango Skills will be way more important than learning big show Tango moves.  I am NOT judging show Tango moves.  I am pointing out that learning foundation Tango skills in most cases helps a tanguero learn connection more quickly.  Also, a tanguero’s attitude, state of being, and social skills is also important in learning connection, but not AS relevant to learning big show tango moves.

An example of miss-alignment between motivation and action is where I have observed some leads working hard to learn more vocabulary and do big flashy moves.  Is this action in alignment with what they want?  If they want to be better at show Tango and performance, then learning big flashy moves is in alignment with their desire.  Why all the fuss here about miss-alignment?

WHEN YOU ARE MISS-ALIGNED, YOU ARE NOT IN A PARASYMPATHETIC STATE OF BEING!    (See Tangasm Dangers Part 1 for clarification on sympathetic/ parasympathetic states of being.)  It is hard to be relaxed when you are not aligned between what you want and your actions.  If you do not know your underlying motivation, you run a high probability of being miss-aligned.  On the other hand, when you are aligned you relax more thereby residing in a more parasympathetic state of being.

Lastly, in sticking with my metaphor of orgasms, in lovemaking, some individuals aggressively go after orgasms as if they are the goal of lovemaking.  They do not realize that just focusing on getting to an orgasm actually thwarts the pleasure and eventual buildup to a huge release and onto another buildup and release.  In Tantra we call orgasms just signposts on the journey of loving, enjoying and communicating with our beloved.  Or said another way, by relaxing and enjoying the ride without a goal of a big payoff, we reside in a parasympathetic nervous system state.

Bottom line- I believe when we are clear of our motivations in Tango, and consciously act in alignment with our motivations, we become way more relaxed.  This increased relaxation (parasympathetic state) leads to better dancing, faster Tango learning, greater enjoyment of Tango, and multiple Tangsams (Tango orgasms).

The Tangasm danger is if we go after things and we don’t know why, we run the danger of engaging our sympathetic nervous system way too much.  What are effective ways to relax in Tango besides alignment?  Check back for another entry on TANGO RELAXATION – The art of BEING in Tango.

Tango offers the promise of multiple tango orgasms but dangers lurk deep within this tantalizing promise.  A Tango orgasm is akin to a peak experience; a transcendent event; a blissful happening; or euphoric affair.  I call these Kisses of the Divine (see blog entry Tango & The Kiss of the Divine.)  In Tango we yearn for these, live for them and seek them out as we do in life.  They are the epitome of connection, and one of the biggest yet elusive payoffs of becoming better at Tango connection.

However, the danger is that people often seek and even aggressively go after a Tango orgasm but miss out on the simple pleasures and mini-orgasms that exist and lead to the big “O”.  Other ways of saying this are that we try too hard and miss out on all of the fun/ goodies, or we focus so much on the goal we miss out on many opportunities, or that we work so hard we don’t smell the roses.

What I am writing about is a perennial problem of humanity – DOING at the expense of BEING.  This perennial problem lies at the root of MANY challenges within the human condition such as why humans are not happier, or why stress is so high, or why extraordinary sex and deep intimacy is so fleeting and impossible for many, or why so many psychological problems exist and humanity on the whole suffers so much.

In Tango and in life, if we want more bliss and extraordinary connection, then it helps to understand deeper aspects of the problem (solution comes later.)   Our nervous system is one key to life bliss and Tango orgasms.  Our nervous system is divided into two parts- the sympathetic and parasympathetic systems.

The sympathetic nervous system when active does the following: mobilizes the body for action; heightens fight or flight syndrome; raises breathing, heart rate and blood pressure; and reduces digestion.  The great majority of Americans activate their sympathetic nervous system way too much and often.

The parasympathetic nervous system when active does the following: relaxes; slows breathing; slows heart rate; lowers pulse; allows deeper sleep; controls the contraction of smooth muscles such as the  bladder, G.I. tract and heart.  Connection, intimacy, deep pleasure and great orgasms occur within the parasympathetic nervous system. 

An easy way of understanding how these systems interact in a way that does not support connection and bliss is around sleeping and male erections.  When we TRY hard to sleep, we are actually activating the sympathetic nervous system.  And when a man TRIES hard to have an erection, or is nervous, tense or stressed, an erection is less likely.  Sleep and male erections are the province of the parasympathetic nervous system – for both a person needs to engage the parasympathetic nervous system through ways of relaxing.

In Tango, I have observed when people get into a parasympathetic mode (relaxed), then more connection occurs.  However, a great majority of American Tango dancers I have observed do many things that activate the sympathetic nervous system.   Therefore,  incredible connection, bliss, pleasure and Tango orgasms that should be possible and probable, become improbable.

What are we actually doing that gets in the way of great connection and Tango orgasms?  How do we deal with this problem?  And what other dangers lurk in going after Tango orgasms?

Part 2 is on its way…

This is how the Birmingham hip replacements look after installed. I am now officially a cyborg.

I was literally looking at a life without Tango.  I asked myself, was it worth dying for?  Now, it was only a 1 in 8,000 chance I would die from the anesthesia.  But the 50/50 chance of it not working, which would mean walking would be severely painful, and no turning back from getting implants?  I knew my answer within minutes of my doctor giving me these odds.

I did my due diligence to make the odds work for me, with research and other expert opinions.  I went back to Dr. Rector after due-diligence and TOLD him to do the surgery.  He asked me if I was sure.  I looked him in the eye and said, do it or I will get the next doctor to do it, but I prefer you!  I chose the first available slot he had -11 days later.

On April 11th 2008 I had hip resurfacing on my right hip, and June 20th 2008 had hip resurfacing on my left hip.  Resurfacing is 3rd generation hip replacements where the femur head is not chopped off, but instead capped with a chromium-cobalt metal ball and the hip is reamed out and a chromium-cobalt socket is hammered into it.  Yes, replacement surgeries are akin to carpentry.  Hip resurfacing is actually way more painful in recovery, for the entire femur head is popped out of the socket and out of the body through a 7 inch cut in the hip.  This racial carpentry is needed to fit the femur head with a cap.

This is more than a little painful upon waking.  I took EVERY drug available to me at full dose -8 drugs, except for morphine for the first hip resurfacing.  With the second hip resurfacing, I woke up and within 2 minutes demanded a morphine drip!  In addition, it took 8-12 weeks to get over the deep-bone pain.  The deep bone pain I experienced is akin to bone cancer.  And for those of you who think I had a joy ride on full dosing of percocet, know that percocet goes directly to dealing with pain.  If not in pain, you get a good high.  While in excruciating pain, you get less pain only!

As soon as the bone pain left, I went off percocet and did not crave more (so much for my critics telling me that I was addicted to pain killers).  Of course, biologically, my body did have interesting withdrawal symptoms – shaking as if I was in seizure.  This became interesting once while I drove my car.

The final cost was $120,000 for both hip replacements – I paid only a little over $4,000 (yeah for insurance!).  By the way, Rusty Cline in Tucson, AZ has also had a hip resurfacing – we are called surface hippie buddies.

SO- for over 2 years I danced with considerable pain.  I still have some pain, which is slowly receding.  I know what it is like to live on percocet for months.  I have learned a few things about balance, engaged frame and core, and being efficient with my movement as well as pacing my dancing.  In addition, I have a healthy respect for modern medicine!  And I do not take running, walking or dancing for granted.

I will leave you readers with severe hip challenges with this- every story of hip replacement and hip resurfacing that I have read or heard had one comment in common – EVERYONE wished they had surgery sooner than they actually did.  Because of my complete passion for Argentine Tango, I am one of the few exceptions – I not only did not wait to get surgery, I took every first available slot with doctors/ surgeons to get my full ability to dance Tango back.  Hmmm, what I do for my mistress (Tango).

I received Birmingham implants in my right and left hips.

You will notice two curious things if you read my past entries – I have not blogged for almost 2 years, and the last entries alluded to something huge going on with my health which I did not know at the time.  For the record, in those two years, I have had  1 arthroscopic hip surgery, 2 hip replacements, massive pain and depression.  Here is my story.

On Monday, June 4th 2007 I woke up with a lot of pain in my back.  Shortly after waking up, I went to pick up my laptop computer from the floor, and collapsed onto the floor with massive pain and back spasm.  I had to call my neighbors for food and water as I could only lay on the floor.  It took me 10 minutes to crawl to the toilet and way too much pain to use it.

Four days later I was finally able to drive to the doctor, and went on full dosing of Vicadin.  After 2 months of full vicadin dosing, my doctor ordered MRI’s and found that I was screwed - I had a disease in my teens that deformed both of my femur heads, which led to severe osteo-arthritis.  I needed surgery to attempt to buy me time before 2 eventual hip replacements.

I asked around for and then went to one of the best hip surgeons in the Denver Metro area – Dr. Armando Vidal.  What a great name!  And how the women swooned over him and his male assistants – all GQ quality.  One friend told me she would seriously do the whole surgical team if she had a chance  You know who you are…

On Dec. 5th 2007, I had arthroscopic surgery on my right hip.  Shortly after I woke up from surgery, I discovered that almost 2/3 of my cartilage was shot – I had not bought myself much time.  Dr. Vidal had warned me that MRI’s do not tell the whole story, so it was possible I would not get much from the surgery.  However, it was worth a shot!

I danced 3 weeks later.  Up till that point, 3 weeks had been the longest I had gone without dancing.  To have the opportunity to dance Tango, it was worth the pain.  I did my best to not let my dance partners know how much pain I experienced, for I did not want them dancing differently.  However, I did not lead ganchos!  The San Diego festival of 2008 challenged me, to put it lightly.

I continued dancing, and during the 2008 Valentango festival, I felt so much pain I may have never been lower in my life.  While on the dance floor, I stifled back many tears of pain, and walking back from each milonga was excruciating.  The one thing that I had become most passionate about – Tango – I had to acknowledge the possibility I would never dance it again.  Upon that realization, I made appointments to see a couple of doctors/ surgeons to immediately get hip replacements.

My all-time favorite doctor, Dr. Bereznoff, counseled me to stop dancing for good, and that if I went through with hip replacement surgery, I could die, and that there was literally a 50/50 chance it would not work!  Good doctor/ Bad News!  The top surgeon for hip replacements within 100′s of miles, Dr. Rector, told me to get 2 more opinions and he suggested I stop dancing and not get any surgery for 5-10 years.

OK – what would you do?