Within 2 minutes of stepping onto the dance floor of the first milonga of Salt Lake City’s Tango Festival, I found myself in a Tango crucible, incredulous at the speed of entrance.  I intended to go deeper in action with Ulysses’ sage words by being confident and kind to myself, but instead dropped into the pit of my abdomen with a wrenching knotted up ball of emotions – Tango meltdown!

Words streamed through my head, some of which may be familiar to you:  I have so far to go to be able to dance good; people don’t want to dance with me; people don’t like me; people don’t want me; why am I here?; I just made a big mistake of coming tonight; I should leave now; I am so NOT worthy of a significant relationship; I can’t believe that person is dancing with so and so, but not me; why the hell do I keep coming back to Tango?; I AM IN TANGO HELL!

I contained my emotions, sat a lot while gazing at dancers flowing by, enjoyed connecting with several wonderful tangueras, and left at 1 AM wondering if I would even go to the next milonga here or instead drive home

In my Tango Hell, I still enjoyed and admired Mike Tennant’s DJing, and noticed how much beauty the venue held.  The milonga hall sat in the center of Gallivan Center – a conglomeration of buildings in downtown Salt Lake City.  Its angled ceiling climbed to about 23 feet on one edge with an entire wall of glass looking out onto the night.

The milonga contained a gender balance, which delighted several tangueras!  A crowd smaller than I am use to seeing at festivals, filled the room just right.  People seemed to enjoy themselves.  Actually many people were effusive with their delight of the milonga the next day.  However, because I sat in the crucible’s fire, my honed ability to feel into others and discern what they felt waned significantly – so I did not know if people were enjoying themselves until they told me later.

Crucible – my dictionary defines a crucible as: a place or occasion of severe test or trial; a place or situation in which different elements interact to produce something new.  Within this metaphorical Tango crucible one can experience transformation through the alchemical process of high heat, or just remain in the excruciating blaze.  The image of remaining in the fire without transforming seems similar to how most people depict hell.

Transformation requires working through, processing and getting to the other side of whatever one is going through.  Change is more incremental, and often just requires feeling a little better.  With change, the crucible is still being sustained with fire, but one only adjusts, staying in the fire without an alchemical process transpiring.

My life issue that arose in this Tango crucible is not new.  However, I obviously have not gotten to the other side of the life issue running through me, or running me.  As a psychotherapist, I can confidently say I may never get to the other side, EVER, or I could allow the crucible to heat up and do its work if I stay in the rising heat long enough.  I desire transformation, for having this life issue arise consistently at festivals shouts at me to effectively deal with it and just does not feel good!

How does one allow the heat of things so emotionally uncomfortable to actually heat up enough to allow the alchemical process take place?  Good question, and though I am a little smug in asking such a good question, I am also a little embarrassed that I have not answered this question for myself even though I can answer this for others.  Bottom line – I still experience tango meltdowns – almost all of them are the same life issue, the same familiar set of sensations and accompanying thoughts.

I was reluctant to share what may seem to some individuals to be very personal information.  A tanguero I know already expressed his distaste over how personal my blogs are.  However, I believe many if not the great majority of tangueros/as experience some of these thoughts and feelings now and then.  What would it take for greater sharing of not just the highs, but the lows of our experiences in the Tango world?  And not just sharing in blogs?

In consulting Ulysses on this experience, he e-mailed back:  ”Dave, sometimes you don’t have to know what is going on, or be an expert.  Just be an honest chronicler of the human struggle.  That is value enough!”

Well, I am certainly having a very human struggle.