Since I returned from SFTX (San Francisco Tango Exchange) where I became unplugged from the Tango Matrix, my experience of Tango has altered.  I can sum up my experiences as “living between the Tango beats.”  Years ago I became aware of how much exists between the beats in Tango music.  Now I sense that I just entered the space between the beats of Life.  Here is some of what has altered.

Tango Transformation is Life Transformation

I used to dance mostly two Tandas with a woman, now usually one.  I have chosen to dance with women that I have not danced with in a long time.  I do not enjoy some woman as much as I used to.  I am more conscious of the unconscious behaviors of people working to get dances, relate, learn and love.  I love Tango music even more.  I am more aware as an observer of my own dancing.  I do not compromise my posture and balance for any woman anymore.

I do not enjoy some things I used to enjoy in my Tango vocabulary or musicality choices.  I am much less interested in dancing, yet am dancing more.  I am dancing with more less skilled dancers, and aware how some of the skilled dancers just don’t interest me as much for they don’t follow as I thought.  I have noticed how many follows are not truly following, but just recognizing patterns and performing them.  However, the less skilled follows actually follow more for they do not know what to expect so they are listening.

And as in Tango, as in Life – as I have become unplugged, I am exploring how I want to make my way in the world.  My view has been altered, and therefore I need to walk a different path.  Here is a story that exemplifies some of my more common experiences these days.

On my way down to Denver on last Tuesday, I called a friend to say hi.  He asked me where I was, and upon telling him I was 30 minutes from a destination in Lakewood, he replied that he was a quarter mile away from my destination, waiting for people to join him for lunch.  He invited me to join him.  I happened to be on my way to a business appointment, but decided to be 45 minutes early to work on Tango DJ’ing.  So I conveniently had the extra time and joined him.

What wonderful timing – synchronicity at work.  This man happens to be finishing a book, which imparts life wisdom and great how-to’s on safety from a collection of stories during his important work in government agencies – VERY important work.  Because of his work, we are all safer when we fly in airplanes.  I admire this friend in no small way.  Not only is he brilliant, artistic, creative, funny and a good man, he MAKES A DIFFERENCE in peoples’ lives.

I used to want to make a big difference.  I volunteered a good amount of time in noble pursuits such as initiating men into manhood through the Mankind Project, or staffing for LGAT’s (large group awareness trainings) such as Landmark Education Corp. or fun pursuits such as leading trips for a large ski club in Madison, Wisconsin – Hoofers.

I guess I made a difference here and there.  As a therapist I know I made a difference.  However, I let my clients go for most of them did not do their homework.  They really did not take action to make their lives better, but just wanted me to make things better for them.  Why did I bother?  5-10% of my clients actually did their homework.  Perhaps everything I did was just for the 5-10%.

Why am I even writing on this subject of making a difference?  In the Tango Matrix I am staring at foundational beliefs of how I think the Universe works.  I call this an ontological cosmology.  So I am experiencing a clash of cosmologies where I have a choice of different cosmologies, but the choice I want to make is radical.  Really radical.  I will make different life choices depending on the cosmology I choose.

Ulysses left me with these words, “Breath more between the beats.  Follow your desire.  Allow your calling to call. You will collide with treasures waiting for you at one of your next turns…”

In response to my latest encounters of the Tango Matrix, Ulysses directed me to the Oracle’s profound insight on CHOICE.  “Dave, you made an important choice but do not understand it.  Your Tango fog is your life fog – you must understand your choice to not only see past it, but to move past it.  Understand & SEE!”

Wikipedia: The Oracle of Delphi exerted considerable influence throughout the Greek world, and she was consulted before all major undertakings

To remind you of the reference of the Oracle in the movie “Matrix” – from Wikipedia:

The Oracle possesses the power of foresight, which she uses to advise and guide the humans attempting to fight the Matrix’s system. Later, she is revealed to be a sapient program who is integral to the very nature of the Matrix itself.  During one meeting, Oracle tries to tell Neo something critical about choice.

She’s telling him it isn’t about choice.  He’s made a choice and now he has to understand the choice and its ramifications.  She herself claims that she lacks the ability to see past her own choice, explaining that no one, including herself, can see past a choice they do not understand.

When I first watched the film where this dialogue of choice took place, I literally shuddered from adrenaline shooting through my nervous system with excitement at the potential meaning of these words.  I conjectured that principal personal power hid within the Oracle’s words.  I am putting Oracle’s wisdom to the test as Ulysses has alluded that understanding my choice will grant access to much needed movement in my life.

Three questions present themselves in understanding my choice:

1. What is this important choice?
2. Can I see past my choice?
3. Can I take action?

First

The important choice in question is that I made a commitment to Tango as my life path.  Do I understand this choice?  Varying levels of understanding exist.  The following levels are my current understanding of why I made my choice:

• Level 1- Tango is somewhat of a fantasy world- it appears romantic to be a Tango professional, spending most of one’s life in milonga halls and studios dancing, teaching, DJ’ing and performing
• Level 2- I posses an amazing passion for teaching, dancing, DJ’ing Tango
• Level 3- I would like to have my community, my work, my life partner, my life-long friends, my travels, my experiences to be Tango – this image feels pretty good
• Level 4- I perceive that my physical health and emotional health is greatly enhanced and furthered by Tango, and therefore leads to a higher quality of life
• Level 5- Tango is a legitimate path of conscious evolution- one of the two reasons I believe I exist (to love is the other reason)
• Level 6- Lastly, any life path for me is ultimately about experiencing bliss.  Here I have run into a snag – currently I am not in bliss outside of Tango – at least not on any consistent enough basis.  Does fully manifesting Tango as my daily experience get me to bliss, or do I need to consistently be in bliss to manifest the life path of Tango fully?  Am I in a catch 22?

Obviously, some of my understanding is not complete.  How complete does my understanding need to be?

Second

Perhaps I do understand my choice.  One test of understanding choice according to the Oracle of the Matrix is can I see past it?  I acknowledge that I can plan different actions to further my Tango life – marketing, attending festivals, training on my own, training with dance partners, traveling to Tango workshops, DJ’ing.

However, I am also aware that some choices recently have not been in plain sight.  Therefore, I have sought mentorship on my next steps in Tango.  Are my next steps clearer?  Yes.  Are my next steps truly clear and easy to see?  No.

And now that I am dealing with recently becoming unplugged from the Tango Matrix, what appeared to be my next steps changed significantly.  Do I trust the new next steps I see – am I seeing clearly?  Because I doubt that I see clearly, I now have to answer No to seeing past my choice with full confidence.

Third

Can I take action?  Currently I do not believe I am taking sufficient action to manifest the experiences I desire to have on a consistent basis.  My lack of action most likely demonstrates I do not see past my choice.

Wrong Question

My conclusion from my above thinking is I do NOT see past my choice.  Fine (this is code for I am not happy about something and acknowledging some resistance but I now accept it).  So what am I not seeing?  One of my favorite questions to my coaching clients, which I would have asked at this point is, “Well, if you did know, what would be your answer?”

I would say that my choice to commit to Tango is not the actual choice in question.  The choice in question I am not seeing past/ not understanding is way bigger – my original choice – TO SHOW UP IN THE WORLD.  To this day I do not understand this choice.

I am staring at my last paragraph – I am dumbfounded by what I just wrote, its veracity, its implications, and how it fits pieces of my life puzzle together that have never fit.

The High's and Low's of the Tango Matrix are taking me to unknown places

Events occurred Friday through Sunday at SFTX that I hoped for one day, but did not expect.  In addition, “deeper truths” of the Tango Matrix unveiled themselves that floored me and produced a fog of insecurity, instability, and incredulousness.

On Friday night I heard Trio Garufa play for the first time.  They impressed me by starting off with electronica songs of their particular style and continued with dynamic renditions of traditional songs.  I thoroughly enjoyed their music, energy and obvious skill.  I don’t always find live Tango bands in the U.S. that actually play for the dancers.  I love that Trio Garufa played tandas, and did not start off their set with their most dramatic music.  It is undeniable to me when a Tango band starts off playing Pugliese or Piazolla, they are NOT sensitive to the energy of the Tango dancers.

Saturday upped the ante on live music.  At Finnish Hall in Berkley the SFTX participants were treated to a grand Tango orchestra- 4 strings, 5 horns, piano, 3 singers, 4 bandoneons, and some other members I did not focus on for the music entranced me.  I had to fight back tears – this music was the best I have heard in the U.S.  This band of Tango enthusiasts moved my heart and reminded me how great Tango music is at its best!  Even though I have heard great Tango orchestras in Buenos Aires, the music in Finnish Hall that night evoked as much or more emotion than the live Tango in Buenos Aires.

To top off the great music on Saturday, I discovered three tangueras that rocked.  They immediately entered my top 20 follows list as I experienced magnificent connection, grace in their movement and terrific attitude with each.  WOW!  In one milonga to find three tangueras that I would want to dance 4-6 tandas at every milonga, oh my!  I felt lucky that they said yes to dancing with me when there were unmistakably many leads better than me.

Speaking of better leads, I discovered it challenging to get dances at most of the milongas.  Many tangueras made sure to not catch my eyes, not only for a milonga, but for the entire festival.  Many follows that would normally dance with me at almost every milonga at a festival, only danced one tanda or none the entire festival.  I had to work at getting dances, yet I allowed myself to enjoy each moment and the tandas I received.  I held a lot of gratitude for all the tangueras that said yes to dancing with me.

My ability to enjoy more of every moment increased as saw the Tango Matrix for what it was.  In seeing, I understood dynamics of why I did not get dances with many follows, as well as why other leads and follows received attention or were ignored.  All the snobbishness and extreme cliquishness at many festivals, including SFTX, made so much more sense.  Even more important was how I did not have overwhelming issues with the dynamics, politics and behaviors that used to bother me.

However, when I first glimpsed the Tango Matrix, I seriously thought of transitioning out of Tango – quickly.  I earnestly questioned whether I would continue to dance Tango.  I have had to accept some pretty big “deeper truths” of behavior at Tango festivals and milongas.

Furthermore, little has been rosy about becoming unplugged.  Just as Neo resisted the deeper truth that his whole life was very unreal and different from what he had perceived, I am resisting “deeper truths” of Tango.

The last milonga of SFTX – Cellspace from 9:30-4 AM Sunday night, another “deeper truth” of Tango revealed itself.  It floored me, so I sat for about 12 tandas and just observed how this “deeper truth” played out.  Since this last milonga at SFTX and seeing this particular “deeper truth”, so much of how I experience Tango has changed – how I practice, how I dance, who I choose to dance with, and what my focus in learning Tango is – all are different.

Bottom line – unplugging from the Tango Matrix has produced highs and lows: the high’s of acceptance and enjoyment of moments, along with much gratitude; and the low’s accompanying a fog of insecurity, instability, and incredulousness of “deeper truths” revealed.

Unplugging from the Tango Matrix, one sees behind the curtain of just a dance...

Metaphorical wires connecting me to the Tango Matrix appeared as I began to wake from a long sleep.  I experienced more joy than I had in quite awhile.  My recent adventures in San Francisco with Alice, my energetic Australian friend, transcended mere walking, eating and Tango training.  An obvious bond had sprung up, relating a knowingness that we seemed destined to meet.  Synchronicities abounded as I became unplugged.

On Wednesday afternoon, Alice and I met up at the Donatello hotel, and as my last name is Donatiu, the serendipity was not lost on me nor Alice.  I called my father to let him know the name of the hotel as I sat in the lobby waiting for Alice to come down- he enjoyed hearing of the coincidence.  Alice had usually chosen the Donatello hotel when she traveled through San Francisco.

Which is the dream?  Was it mere coincidence that her hotel’s name was the closest hotel in San Francisco that one can get to my last name?  Or was her hotel choice a harbinger of our meeting and magical times to come?  Alice and I worked on her Tango foundation for 90 minutes, had Thai food and got a cab with a crazy non-stop talking driver to Cellspace for the milonga that night.  The next day conjured magic.

Thursday began with 90 minutes of Tango training, sushi for lunch, a walk around the city – mostly Union square, and then some special work on what I call Urban Tango Training.  As we ascended very steep hills I taught her solid fundamental technique on how to fully load the weighted hip while relaxing the free leg and hip – full weight transfers from free leg to free leg.  When weight transfers are done correctly up and down steep hills, one is not tired but actually more energized, relaxed and easily able to ascend and descend while feeling pleasure in the hips, legs, ankles and feet.

We both acknowledged that we wanted really good coffee, and quickly found just the right European bistro.  Over the delicious coffee drinks, we realized we had both participated in Pulpo’s week in 2005 in Buenos Aires.  She related that she watched me dance and wanted to someday take lessons with me.  Upon first meeting me in Boulder for privates, she mentioned to her daughter who drove her to the studio that I looked like a guy from Pulpo’s week – then she did not think it was me and never mentioned anything again until at the bistro.

Back at another 90 minutes of training, and then we went off in search of a restaurant to celebrate Alice’s new Tango transformation and understandings.  We wanted just the right restaurant, and knew we were both willing to wait, for the right place anticipated us.  After 25 minutes of walking and checking out over 17 restaurants, we saw in the distance what we both though would be the right establishment.  And sure enough, we walked into a high end grill/ steakhouse with an Argentinean flair – Italian architecture, great meat and Italian items on the menu, and black and white photos on the wall commemorating snapshots of almost a century of history this restaurant witnessed.  The meal entranced me with just the right spices, tastes, smells, texture, sweet and savory flavors, and fulfillment.  Happy man!

Alice and I said our goodbye’s, and I headed back to SFTX.  The rest of SFTX got more interesting, for as I disconnected from the Tango Matrix, reality and dream co-mingled, meaning I noticed more connections and synchronicities.  In addition, I felt more gratitude and connection to my Self and others.  This disconnect from the Tango Matrix brought me closer to living in dreamtime space.

And then events occurred that I hoped for one day, but did not expect…