In synchronicity I am gazing upon neon art in a café that states:  after you were born, before you die, if not now, when? Not only does this quote in neon affirm my desire to live fully, it offers irony in relation to living as a declaration vs. an inquiry.

A few nights ago in talking to a new-found tango friend, she related how a good friend of hers is all about inquiring in life.  I reflected upon living as an inquiry and how I shared in my last blog entry living as a declaration.  I still inquire some, yet I have lived the last 27 days as much more a declaration of just being.

Declaring is a choice, and viewing the world through the filter of one’s choice.  An example of what living through filter is of a man I know that seems to live through a filter of scientific method, cynicism and resignation.  These are not necessarily consciously chosen filters.  However, many of the choices I have seen him make show these filters.

I am aware that the filters (beliefs) I hold, whether I consciously chose them or not, influence my choices and views to a greater degree than I will probably ever be aware.  Now I arrive at the possibility of choosing a theme of filters I call magic.  I have inquired in my life about making this choice since I was 17.  I have flirted with this choice often, yet I have not chosen out of fear of possible consequences of living through a filter of magic.

Yet this neon art quote, after you were born, before you die, if not now, when, arouses my desire to stop waiting to live in magic.  Living in magic (choosing the filter of magic) is about acknowledging magic: the IMMENSE and BOUNDLESS energetic interaction of life. How would I acknowledge magic?  Look for it, notice it, appreciate it, breathe it in, watch for it, wait for it, luxuriate in it, feel it, allow it to infuse my awareness and being, believe in it, smile at it, and trust that magic can be my guide.

Bottom line:  live life as a declaration that magic not only exists, but I show up in magic as magic, not some void of meaningless existence.  I could choose the belief that life is meaningless and it is meaningless that life is meaningless.  One organization I participated in promotes this belief as the ontological cosmology, or basis of all of their technologies.  I saw the consequences of choosing this belief.  Not what I would choose.

And when it comes to Tango, every milonga affords me the opportunity to witness magic up close.  Tango can be a fishbowl of magic.  Choosing to witness magic sure beats choosing to witness behavior akin to high school, immature, rigid and un-evolved.  Why the hell have I chosen to look through the filter of high school behavior?  Why would anyone?

Ulysses:  Dave, your declaration of magic terminates your question of showing up.  And don’t ponder these words, just reside in magic.  Commit to this choice, and you can bend the rules  of the Tango matrix…

After I parked my RV at a rest stop in Wyoming on Sunday, I sat down and mentally declared in amazement – THIS IS MY LIFE.  No more moving stuff into storage, no more purging irrelevant possessions, no more planning for departure, no more waiting to depart, no more preparing, no more hoping to travel indefinitely, no more more.  This is it.  This is my life.

Eric & Eufemia & Myself at Jam's Cafe during Portland Tango Fest 10/09 - photo by Amy Lehman - this captures the feeling of THIS IS MY LIFE - joyful and in connection with part of my Tango family

Even though I have traveled a lot in my RV on Tango tours, this is different.  I am living a Tango tour indefinitely.  Even though my base is Boulder, CO, I will not return for quite some time.  Truth be known, I would like to NOT HAVE TO ever return, even though I will return.

So, here I am – what I do now is what I do.  I am not waiting, preparing, planning, hoping, wondering nor thinking as much.  I am acutely aware that each day is now my life – not someday.  According to many sage people I have read and heard, this is how life is supposedly better lived.  They call it living in the moment.  I don’t know how in the moment I am, but I do feel a deep shift in my awareness of living.

In my former life before Tango in the role as a life coach, I would routinely ask my clients – “what if your life now is as good as it gets?”  What would you do different?  What would you do more of, less of, and not ever again?  How would you feel?

I am not sure my own question applies to my declaration, This Is My Life. However, I want to ask a different question.  A question such as why do I need to ask so many questions?  What if I stopped being a question, and lived as a declaration.  Instead of wondering or asking, what if I just did what felt right each segment of time (differing lengths of time)?  What if I did not go into thinking a choice, but living a choice?  What the heck am I really saying?

Ulyssess prompted me to encounter the most powerful question to date in my life with these words:  “Dave, you made an important choice but do not understand it.  Your Tango fog is your life fog – you must understand your choice to not only see past it, but to move past it.  Understand & SEE!”

The  choice in question that I encountered that I am not seeing past, nor understanding is – my original choice – TO SHOW UP IN THE WORLD.  Maybe what I am understanding is to stop trying to understand my choice, but BE a choice.  Is this what just happened two days ago?  Did I just choose to show up at a different level?

What does BEING a choice, living a choice and living as a declaration look like for me?  Apparently I am finding out.  In two days since my declaration, I have already made different choices:  I have eaten less, and eaten what felt right; I have gone to bed 2 hours earlier, and woken up 3 hours earlier than usual; I have done Yoga in late afternoon, and upon waking up, and even twice in a day; I have taken more time to acknowledge my cat with attention and snuggling; I have found myself delightfully telling a friend I did not HAVE TO be anywhere at any time, nor fulfill hardly any commitments for a couple of months; I have exercised a few times, doing some strength building which I normally don’t do, nor really like – I liked it; I walked a little slower, and a little faster – I liked both; I have found myself breathing deep intentional breaths, and engaging in other breath exercises, which I normally do not; I bought 2 cheeses I have never bought, one that I have to grate which I have not done in over a decade; bought 2 bottles of wine though I rarely buy one.

Also, I imagine that living as a choice could look like:  easily identifying what action follows from inspiration and without hesitation, doing it; not giving any time to procrastination, but with an inner peace just handling things; smiling a lot more; much more composed vs. collapsing or posturing; giving a lot more gratitude; moving slower but with greater focus and ease.

Hmmmmmmmmm…  Am I living more of a dream and more awake?