This pic captures the apology, "I Am Sorry", as well as the vulnerability and nakedness that goes with dancing/ living as an apology

I am angry, sad and astonished in uncovering how much I have danced and lived as an apology.

In Tango my apologies have shown up as me thinking: I am sorry I can only dance at this level, for I know you are used to dancing at such a higher level; I am sorry I am so silly in my dance; I am sorry I could not lead this move so clearly that you easily got it; I am sorry I experimented in trying some new way of moving with you; I am sorry I asked you to dance when you might be waiting to be asked by someone better than me; I am sorry I interrupted your attention on trying to get a dance with someone else; I am sorry you danced with me when you could have danced with someone better; I am sorry I asked you to work harder at staying on your axis and moving on your own; I am sorry…

I have danced for the woman way too much – I want to play and experiment, yet I do not with many women for it feels that they want some version of a proper trance dance, or just proper Tango.  A few times some women have had strong emotionally charged responses to one or two of my silly moves.

Down in Buenos Aires, Gustavo Naviera exposed my “problem”.  I went up to him during a class, and asked him what was I doing wrong.  I said, “I am not really getting what I want, even though she is following what I am leading, it does not feel right.  Something is off.”

He said, “Your technique is fine and good.  But I see your problem.  Your problem is you are dancing for the woman.  STOP!  Don’t dance for the woman.  Dance for yourself.  Be like a mountain, and move ONLY when you want to move, not when she wants you to move.  You might be a mountain for a whole phrase or two.  If she does not like it, let her not like it.  She can dance with someone else.  I want her to feel YOUR dance.”

His words shook me up.  I thought to myself:  what if she doesn’t like it?; what if I make her work a lot?; what if she makes a lot of mistakes and thinks she is a bad dancer?; what if…

These apologies show up in life oh so easily, even when I have acted with mindfulness and heart:  I am sorry to shake up your world with my perspectives; I am sorry to ask questions you consider personal; I am sorry to point out inconsistencies in your beliefs by asking for clarification; I am sorry to call you on questionable integrity in some area of your life; I am sorry to ask you to share your inner feelings; I am sorry to ask you to dare to be better; I am sorry to ask you to please follow through with your promises to me; I am sorry to ask you to be more of who you really are; I am sorry to ask for your help being that it might be an inconvenience; I am sorry…

I am so emotionally raw because of repeatedly being beaten down from dancing as an apology.  Recently I have welled up with tears at milongas and practicas, quickly wiping my eyes and stuffing my emotions, hoping no one saw my vulnerability.

And I am scared to show my vulnerability, for I do not want anyone to take advantage of that.  My father did.

I want to dance MY dance authentically.  What does that look like exactly? …