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Tango & Living as an Apology Part 1 of 3- The Apology

Mar 3, 2010
Tango, Tango Desire, Tango Life Reflection

This pic captures the apology, "I Am Sorry", as well as the vulnerability and nakedness that goes with dancing/ living as an apology

I am angry, sad and astonished in uncovering how much I have danced and lived as an apology.

In Tango my apologies have shown up as me thinking: I am sorry I can only dance at this level, for I know you are used to dancing at such a higher level; I am sorry I am so silly in my dance; I am sorry I could not lead this move so clearly that you easily got it; I am sorry I experimented in trying some new way of moving with you; I am sorry I asked you to dance when you might be waiting to be asked by someone better than me; I am sorry I interrupted your attention on trying to get a dance with someone else; I am sorry you danced with me when you could have danced with someone better; I am sorry I asked you to work harder at staying on your axis and moving on your own; I am sorry…

I have danced for the woman way too much – I want to play and experiment, yet I do not with many women for it feels that they want some version of a proper trance dance, or just proper Tango.  A few times some women have had strong emotionally charged responses to one or two of my silly moves.

Down in Buenos Aires, Gustavo Naviera exposed my “problem”.  I went up to him during a class, and asked him what was I doing wrong.  I said, “I am not really getting what I want, even though she is following what I am leading, it does not feel right.  Something is off.”

He said, “Your technique is fine and good.  But I see your problem.  Your problem is you are dancing for the woman.  STOP!  Don’t dance for the woman.  Dance for yourself.  Be like a mountain, and move ONLY when you want to move, not when she wants you to move.  You might be a mountain for a whole phrase or two.  If she does not like it, let her not like it.  She can dance with someone else.  I want her to feel YOUR dance.”

His words shook me up.  I thought to myself:  what if she doesn’t like it?; what if I make her work a lot?; what if she makes a lot of mistakes and thinks she is a bad dancer?; what if…

These apologies show up in life oh so easily, even when I have acted with mindfulness and heart:  I am sorry to shake up your world with my perspectives; I am sorry to ask questions you consider personal; I am sorry to point out inconsistencies in your beliefs by asking for clarification; I am sorry to call you on questionable integrity in some area of your life; I am sorry to ask you to share your inner feelings; I am sorry to ask you to dare to be better; I am sorry to ask you to please follow through with your promises to me; I am sorry to ask you to be more of who you really are; I am sorry to ask for your help being that it might be an inconvenience; I am sorry…

I am so emotionally raw because of repeatedly being beaten down from dancing as an apology.  Recently I have welled up with tears at milongas and practicas, quickly wiping my eyes and stuffing my emotions, hoping no one saw my vulnerability.

And I am scared to show my vulnerability, for I do not want anyone to take advantage of that.  My father did.

I want to dance MY dance authentically.  What does that look like exactly? …

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4 Comments

  1. Brian Salisbury  •  Mar 3, 2010 @3:44 PM

    Express the music as you feel it. Express the mood you feel from the floor, the couple ahead, behind, 20 couples away. Design a dance that “fits” into the puzzle of that evening’s milonga. If your partner is oblivious to those things, there will be no pleasing her no matter what.

  2. Mari  •  Mar 3, 2010 @8:23 PM

    I have danced, and unfortunately find myself still dancing, in a constant state of apology. It’s a struggle at every milonga, every class, every practica. Sometimes I can turn it off and the result can knock me to my knees in sheer gratitude.

    I don’t really know how much I agree or disagree with “dance for yourself”. We must all find our own dance, and dance our soul’s dance – but for me, it’s been in the state of entrega, in surrendering my ego, my preconceptions, my demanding inner critic, that I have gotten glimpses of my soul’s dance. I wish it weren’t so fleeting.

    We can truly only dance who we are – though I may try constantly to dance to please the critic in my head. I do still dance for my partner, in whatever that means. It’s only when I stop dancing for the inner critic, the “observer” that pulls me out of the connection to my leader and the music, that I can release all the apologies, all the insecurities.

    I’m so glad to read your writing again. It seems like ages and ages…

  3. Kundalini  •  Mar 9, 2010 @9:59 AM

    Wow, I really like what you have written. Thank you for your vulnerability and for sharing. I love the idea of not dancing as an apology.

  4. Greta  •  Apr 18, 2010 @10:30 AM

    About 6 months into my journey into tango dancing I made the decision to actively quit saying “I’m sorry.” As a beginner it was natural to have the need to apologize for everything. Even though I may have stopped saying the words out loud, and perhaps the inner apologies may have quieted, it is doubtful they ever went away. The apologies have come in waves during my learning of tango. I did go through a phase after my first year, as my skill and confidence increased and my partners gave me compliments and pounded the mantra into my head “it’s always the leaders’ fault” (which I have never been able to completely swallow by the way) where I did show up fairly consistently without apologies. Ah, but here’s the trouble. Once I decided I was now at a higher level of dancing my expectations rose. Now I have new responsibilities. “I’m sorry that you think I am a better dancer than I really am,” “I’m sorry we had a glorious dance before and now I am tripping over my own feet….” The apologies have returned. New growth brings us back to the adolescent stage. We will always find ourselves back at the beginning as we move into another stage of learning. It is my challenge to stay kind to myself as I move into a new and less-than perfect state (which is actually every moment). From my mind, my dance is always less than perfect and therefore unacceptable. From my heart, it is always perfect and divine. Let me move from my heart and forgive myself for every beautifully imperfect moment.

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