“Tango demands intimacy whether we like it or not.  Tango obliges who we are to show up whether we want it to or not.  Tango compels us to know who we want to be whether we imagine it or not.” – Ulysses

Lisa & Dave at Cheesman Park 9/6/09 Photo by ?

I find this entry to be the hardest to write and communicate to date, for I have to share more of my psyche than I have before.   To be true to my process, I must provide a rawness and vulnerability I would prefer to keep to myself.  I fear the possibility that what I offer might be used against me in some way, or I will appear weak and less attractive to my peers, or that I will be judged as less of a man.  This fear probably comes from my father’s upbringing.

On Saturday morning of the Denver Labor Day Tango Festival 2009, I basked in a form of nirvana from so many tandas filled with joy, play, musical exploration, sweetness, connection and intimacy.  I found myself sharing often that I was in heaven, and sighed from many Tangasms.  How did I show up?  I only upped it by perhaps one level.  I could up it by 2 or 3 levels.

However, I believe that showing up more would entail greater stillness of my thoughts, breathing more intentionally, slowing down my walk outside of Tango, feeling my heart beat (this refers to Heart Math Institute and working with one’s own heart resonance), relaxing into my hip sockets in my Tango walk, and engaging more with people’s eyes.

Overall, showing up is about intimacy.  Intimacy allows others to see me, allows myself to be vulnerable where people get to connect with me more as I do not defend myself.  What would I be defending myself from?  In my mind the defense is from an unseen form of attack by judgments, rejection, not being liked, or a threat to identity – the sense of who I am.  Identity is referred to as ego in some wisdom traditions and psychological models of our psyche.  And in Tango, there is much to fear.

In Tango I have witnessed more gossip, mean-spiritedness, immaturity, ego identification and defense, rejection, judgment and exclusivity than any other place I have experienced.  The milonga can be emotionally brutal, and many Tango Meltdowns have violently grabbed me.  I have observed the worst of high school behavior in milongas.  Some of my biggest fears have been realized through people who truly are neurotic, maladjusted and narcissistic.  The countless examples I could detail just underline how milonga halls become a strong mirror – bringing to light our psyches and our lurking fears, joys, losses, and rages.  And some wonder why so many leave Tango?

Aum (OM) is the sound of the infinite. ... Aum is said to be the essence of all mantras, the highest of all matras or divine word (shabda), brahman (ultimate reality) itself. Aum is said to be the essence of the Vedas. (Definition & Pic - Wikipedia)

So, here I am living my life in the context of Tango, in sadness, frustration, excitement, longing, loneliness, emotional fire, dreaming, wondering.  I feel my aliveness straining to burst through: hardened layers of distrust; years of rejection and disappointment; and memories of too many body injuries, pain and deformations.  And I feel my aliveness straining to join: the river of achievements, celebrations and dreams; the well of wisdom of life experiences and mentors; and the warmth and caring of so many friends.

How do I deal with my fear of showing up, of being more intimate?  How do I open up even more to every partner I dance with, the world of Tango and life?  I believe my answer lies in a mantra I once received.

One of my first and revered mentors, Ed, facilitated a deep transformational process in a group weekend of “Self Acceptance Training”.  His mentor and my friend is now on his deathbed as I write this.  The mantra Ed spoke to me:  I choose not to fight for I have already won…

As I contemplate how to relate my experience of the Baltimore Tango Element Festival itself, I can say that this was my 30th festival and is 2nd from the bottom of my ranking of quality of festival experiences.  I am only talking of MY experience, not necessarily the quality of the festival itself.

I take many arenas into consideration when I consider my festival experience such as: quality of DJ’ing; who attends; level of snobbishness/ cliquishness; navigation skill and following of navigation codes; how other Tango codes are used; seating arrangements; quality of entrance/ exit from milonga floor; temperature controls; food, snacks, water, coffee availability; performances and their quality and length; quality of announcements; milonga lighting quality; sound quality; organizational quality; meet and greet quality; experience of tracking participants’ payment and milonga/ class entrance; timeliness of events’ start and end; hotel quality including timeliness of staff response to issues, bathroom upkeep and quality with other customer service issues; venue quality, variety and ease of transportation to and from venues; how teachers conduct themselves on and off the dance floor…  The list goes on.

Even though I do not formally assess on paper, I could assess and assign a number on a scale for each arena similar to many other industries.  I wonder if others would be interested in this information?  Just knowing the arenas of ranking would give a festival organizer valuable insight and information to make their festivals better.

Of course, everyone has different experiences at a festival, including what is important to them.  However, everyone would probably experience some level of discomfort and frustration with the lack of air conditioning in a hot and humid milonga hall.  How festival arenas effect each individual varies.  And some of these festival arenas outweigh others.  If five of my favorite tangueras showed up and danced a lot with me, low rankings in other arenas just would not matter much.  In addition, festivals are experienced different from a follow’s perspective vs. a lead’s perspective.

With all this said, I did have many wonderful dances, connections and creation of memories.  Even though I probably will not attend again, I am glad I attended and want to share some of the memories that were created in addition to what I shared in my last entry- Baltimore Tango Elements Festival Part 2- Creating Memories.

I hung out with my good friend and first Tango festival buddy, Sarah.  Such good memories of several festivals we both traveled to, and our sharing of all that happened during so many milongas.  I have enjoyed all the debriefing of Tango happenings.

I also had a spectacular dinner with a professional coach.  Our conversation contained sharing of personal growth/ transformational technologies and methodologies.  This brought up many memories of my participation in these organizations- both positive and an acknowledgement of restrictions in fundamental cosmologies.  I treasure befriending people like her, for all of the shenanigans of Tango melt away while connecting with my good Tango friends.

Another mention are the performances Sabastian Arce and Chicho gave, which astonished me, inspired me, and thrilled the participants.   The thunderous clapping got 5 dances out of Sabastian and 6 out of Chicho.  WOW!  The expertise and cutting-edge explorations certainly showed me some of the places Tango can go.

And, one of my favorite memories is how at 5:15 AM in the Baltimore airport I met up with 5 other Tangueras/os.  If we all had not been so tired, we would have probably danced.  Just hanging out with these friends supplied me with a deep sense of community and well being.  Yum!

Now, onto the Denver Labor Day festival…

Dave at the Grand Milonga at Seattle Tango Magic 2009 with the live band in the background

Now and then a tanguera comes along and captures my Soul with her sensual movement, flowery fragrance, cuddly embrace, radiant aliveness and childlike playfulness.  On Saturday in Seattle such a scenario shadowed me twice in succession.  At the alternative milonga I felt freed where I could play with the music in the ways I so enjoy.  Each follow allowed me to express my joy and impishness.

And at some point I cabaceoed a woman that I had desired to dance with.  When I watched her earlier, I felt that I could easily trance, laugh and walk in great delight with her.  Within 2 phrases of moving with her in my embrace, I could feel a connection lock in where I knew I would go to the place of trance, connection and oneness that I hunger for.

We danced several tandas over the course of the milonga, and had our last dance of the milonga with “Stairway to Heaven”.  As the music faded I acknowledged to myself I just experienced one of the best dances ever.  I thought the tanda was over and I offered a deep sigh and thanks.  I had had a TANGASM.  I hadn’t had time to revel in my tangasm, for another song came on, and a woman hurriedly approached me.   I had wanted to dance with this particular tanguera since I met her at the houseboat pre-milonga party.

Soon after we started, she bewildered me by moving in ways I had never experienced.  The energy of desire and playfulness she expressed went beyond any other dancer to date.  I shook my head several times in my attempt to contain energy she summoned.  By the end of that one song,  I realized that was one of the top dances I ever had.  She had blown me away.

The stars seemed to have aligned with me for that milonga as I was left speechless.  I went up to each of these two amazing tangueras and acknowledged how extraordinary the dances were for me.  To my incredulity they each reciprocated with an equal acknowledgement.  Wow!  I found it hard to believe that my experience of such amazing dances were shared.  Often the experience of a tanda is so different for each dancer, so I never assume my partner had a wonderful time even though I may have.

Dave at Seattle Tango Magic

Part of what made this milonga one of my best ever was how I danced only with those women I wanted to dance with.  I let my desire guide me in choosing who I would ask.  The connection I sensed with each woman greatly influenced my desire to choose to dance with them.

I do not always choose based on desire.  At times I have chosen dances based on past connection or the tanguera’s enthusiasm to dance with me.  When I choose based on desire in the moment, I notice how much better I dance, how much better the milonga is for me, and how much more I can give to the women I dance with.

And with this milonga, I experienced what I now call THE MAGIC OF ONE.  It appears that one individual has the power to make a milonga go from good to great or great to extraordinary.  With one particular tanguera, many of the milongas at the festival went from great to extraordinary.  Overall I had many great dances with so many wonderful tangueras!  Each tanguera was different in how they expressed and moved with me.  I delighted in each of their unique expressions.

My festival ended not with the last milonga, but by hanging out with this Magic of One tanguera for 7 hours at the Seattle airport.  For three of those hours we danced – I had my computer with all of my tango music, tango shoes and desire.  She had her tango shoes and desire.  We set up our milonga space in a hallway next to Starbucks.  The airport police used the corridor to go to their offices, and almost all smiled as they walked by our tango bubble.

Not all the magic of the Seattle Tango Festival has been shared- what transpired at the Salmon Bake deserves its own entry, for the MAGIC OF ONE expresses both the power of transcendent experiences in dancing with one individual and what a milonga space can create.  The Salmon Bake is the most magical of milonga spaces I ever danced in.

The Umbrella Tango Dance Scene

Do you have a secret wish or dream, a fantasy or fancy in Tango?  I discovered to my thrill and amusement that a few individuals fulfilled a long standing dream on a lazy rainy Sunday afternoon at Sugar House Park in Salt Lake City.  And I went from Tango Purgatory to Tango Heaven with my first Umbrella Tango, an auspiciously sweet memory for decades to come.

On Sunday afternoon I drove up to the small picnic pavilion at Sugar House Park.  Here food, Tango music, tango addicts, tango wannabees, and tango watchers were to be found.  I mingled but for a bit before I retrieved my jacket from my RV.  It was a wee bit chilly.  A bit more mingling before the rain came down and our cement dance space with 2 grills on 2 ends became a nightmare for tango shoes with suede.

Tova took charge by clearing two picnic tables among a dozen under cover of the pavilion, and then jumping on top to dance with Carlos – damn they are so good.  Carlos cracks me up, always, and not so secretly I let people know I would love to have his campiness with skill.  After dancing with Carlos, Tova announced who’s next?  Others joined her as well as tango adventurers dancing on an adjacent table.  However, it became clear that not all would join the jovial jubilee of Tango gyration – maintaining balance had just inherited severe consequences dancing up on high.

Katherine & Dave in their Magical Umbrella Tango - Photo by Barbara Bagnasacco

Then it appeared – in the definitive rain shower – a couple began to dance while holding an umbrella.

To my surprise, Katherine,  standing and talking next to me as a new-found Tango obsessed comrade sheepishly asked, “Do you have an umbrella?  I have always wanted to dance in the rain with an umbrella.”  I quickly answered, “Yes I do.  In my bag.”  I quickly walked to my bag, and as reached into my bag to get my umbrella out, I realized Katherine had followed me, quickly!  I am accustomed to retrieving what I need and then going back to a tanguera in waiting.  She did not wait, so I understood at that point she was more than a little excited.

Katherine & Dave in Umbrella Tango - photo by Barbara Bagnasacco

And then we danced to 4 alternative songs while we both held my black designer Eddie Bauer compact umbrella.   Within a couple of minutes of dancing, Katherine kicked off her flip-flops, as I kept my Keen sandals on.  I became excited as I did something quite different in Tango.  The rain did pour, and the laughter rose.

Soon our laughter became a salve for my heart with an unknown hurting.  Katherine’s infectious joy began, slowly began, to evoke the sense of missing joy.  And it was not until after we walked off the puddle-filled “dance floor” that I felt slowly, ever so slowly, something slinking into my aching Tango heart.  I did not want to dance with anyone else, nor ask anyone else to dance.  I felt filled with a childlike giddiness, but also forlorn.

What was this slow slinking?  For the past few days I have reflected on what aches so much.  As I travel the western part of the country, I feel in my heart – a serious ache that yanks my focus onto it.  I find that as I feel the ache, I keep coming back to this most delicious of memories – my Umbrella Tango Tanda.  The Umbrella Tango experience is a glimmer of dreams gone by and dreams to come.  I sense I am in a limbo between unfulfilled dreams and dreams I am to fulfill.

And with my memories and reflections I am off to begin the SFTX (San Francisco Tango Exchange) Tango Festival.

One by one and two by two, tangueros and tangueras pranced, sauntered, and ambled into the milonga ballroom.  So many Tango communities represented: Santa Fe, Albuquerque, Las Vegas, Tuscon, San Diego, L.A., Eugene, Portland, Seattle, East Coast cities… the list does go on.  The ladies aroused my pulse with their appearances- so gorgeous!  The gentlemen seemed relaxed, yet ready to cabaceo.

Because of my extensive travels over the past 8 months, I have met so many wonderful people from different Tango communities.  As I recognized each of my friends, I felt more calmed and greater delight.  Never have I known so many of the dancers at one festival.  Tango is my community (and where all of my friends are), and I felt joy at the reunion of so many people from afar.

I luxuriated in many dances: tandas with my angel, a tanguera so sweet, radiant, beautiful and divine that I melt when I am even just around her; another tanguera that had left me speechless and spellbound after some of the best tandas in my life in Houston, once again left me wanting to sit and bask in the afterglow after moving as one in our own world on the dance floor; a milonga tanda with a great friend that I always so enjoy; many tandas with a beaming, stunningly beautiful, childlike tanguera – she brings out my little Dave to play, and she is one of my all time favorites – wow did I have fun; a friend from the rainy country who is so connecting and sensuous, I just enjoy her enthusiasm and ever-present kindess; and other tandas all in all that left me giddy and full.

I am ready for more!  And happy to see that we have at least two DJ’s from our community DJ’ing this festival.

Onto Ulysses and his proposal from his last e-mail- “At your upcoming festival do these two things, and open your eyes to what you see.” Throughout the night, I lightly contemplated the existence of a Tango matrix as I did these two things Ulysses proposed.  Doing them had their challenges, though I consistently did them.  Utter astonishment at what I am uncovering about myself, and some surprise at what I am SEEING with others.

Illusion, causation, and attraction are the strongest words bubbling up to describe my experience of SEEING with my eyes more open.  I’m sure my dances were positively influenced by Ulysses.  The next milonga is about to start – and I’m feeling impish and animated along with a dose of mystical curiosity thrown in

Wow!  What a format of learning Korey and Mila created.  Their classes are taught by one couple, and then we break into cells of 8-10 students.  Two teachers that eventually rotate around work within the cell.  To figure out what cell we are in, each person assigns themselves a number of their skill level between 1-4, 4 being at teacher level, and 1′s at beginner level.  And then each person pairs up with someone with a level that adds up to 5.

Korey (I don’t know who is responsible for what) at one point had students dancing with levels that would add up to 5.  A concept I am still exploring the merits of – seems cool right now.

Also, the information presented didactically helped me to understand Korey’s intentions for the weekend, as well as having guest presentations to took advantage of great resources from individual’s within the group.  Some actually have lives outside of Tango , or use to.

In addition, more traditionally based classes were presented.  However, the class I took from Murat and Michelle are anything but traditional.  I can conclusively say how much more I and others learn when teachers use great teaching methodology.  M & M are such teachers!

Alex Krebs taught with Jennifer Olson – this is the first time I got to watch him share his gifts – mmmmmmmmmm.  Now I know why he has adoration from so many tangueros/as – he is spot on with sequencing movements, while communicating clearly and succinctly.  I did not have to think to understand his directions!  And then all the leads and follows separated, while all of the festival teachers went around to individuals assisting on the moves presented – yesssss.  That works!  Oh, and they wore these great white Chef hats – sooooo cool.

Furthermore, we danced at around 7 venues guerrilla style.  Always interesting for those who watch and dance.  I just had fun – I don’t know how effective of a marketing tool this is, but I enjoy the sense of great freedom to just goof around.  Yeah, I usually goof around anyway, but at least in guerilla style, I think more people join in the goofing around.

Overall, I felt better yesterday with all of the inclusiveness, cooperation, and kindness most people showed.  I danced quite a bit, yet I still felt so much beauty inaccessible.  I am not able to express so much of what I want.  However, so many great leads on the dance floor inspired me.  The impromptu performances added to inspiration – but the funny thing is that the dancing level is soooooo high, that just watching the floor during the milongas is similar to watching performances. Ahhhhhhhh.  Such beauty!

I felt invigorated through the learning.  And I did have one tanda where I felt I could communicate and express to some of my highest level of expression ever.  I so wish I could dance with her 1/3 of the time – I am at my best as a tanguero, person and fun loving being as I move with her body and Soul.

So, how am I aligning with the beauty I witnessed on the dance floor?  I’m still stone, alone, raw as bone.  And I still yearn to share more of my beauty and be beauty in all aspects of my life.

Joseph Campbell wrote a lot on following our bliss – bliss for me is in the intimacy shared on and off the dance floor.  Intimacy with others, with self, with my own expression, and with the greater all.  I guess my stone is heating up.

The single biggest way I know to get way better at dancing Tango, learning Tango, enjoying Tango, and having multiple Tangsams (Tango orgasms) is to become ALIGNED with what you are doing.  The same with life – when you truly are motivated to make your life better in any arena- relationships, jobs, hobbies, sports, health – ALIGNMENT is king.  Everything gets better when we align with what we are doing!

What do I mean by alignment?  Alignment is about getting behind what you want 100%, without doubts, with a focus on what you want and only what you want, not focusing on what you don’t want or the lack of what you want.  This is not an easy task.

A critical first step in becoming aligned with anything is to be clear on your motivation.  Why do you want what you want?  Why are you in Tango?  Why are you taking Tango classes, spending time, money and energy to learn a very hard dance?  Why are you really going to milongas?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?

As in Tango, as in life – I have found most people have not fully explored their motivation for most things they go after.  For example, in one of my seminars on how to make your life better by not procrastinating, I asked a student what she wanted.  She said she wanted a Doctorate degree.  I said, I doubt it.  Let’s find out what you really want.  ”Why do you want a Doctorate?”  She answered, to make money.  I said I and many others could teach you how to make money very quickly without spending 6 years doing a lot of work and paying a lot of money to a University.

So after a little more questioning, I find out she just wanted credibility in her industry so she could make more money in her industry.  I said I could tell you right now how you could get way more credibility without spending 6 years and thousands of dollars.  Three big ways to get credibility are:  obtain good testimonials from industry leaders (easy to get); write a book or a lot of information products; and earn credentials.  The hardest, most expensive and least effective way to get credibility is to earn a credential such as a Doctorate (for her industry).  So, if all you want is credibility, I can show you in 1 month how you can get more credibility than a Doctorate.  Her $39 class fee just paid for itself 100′s of times over.

The first thing I endeavor to find out with any Tango student is their underlying motivation for taking a class or private.  Then and only then can I actually help them, for what I teach and how I teach Tango changes, based upon their motivation.  As a student, you can help your teachers instruct you by getting very clear of why you are in Tango and then telling them!

In Tango, I have found 6 big underlying reasons people get into it.  This list is by no means comprehensive:  to experience connection; to get into a casual or significant relationship; to experience community; to engage in another recreation/ hobby; to learn body skills and the experience that comes with moving and learning with the body; and lastly, to actually learn Tango.  In other words, most people I have asked really are not learning Tango just for the learning, but some payoff – connection, relationship, community, recreation, and/ or body skills.

What is your motivation?  Your answer is KEY to dancing, learning, and enjoying Tango.  If you want to experience more connection, then learning what I call Essential Tango Skills will be way more important than learning big show Tango moves.  I am NOT judging show Tango moves.  I am pointing out that learning foundation Tango skills in most cases helps a tanguero learn connection more quickly.  Also, a tanguero’s attitude, state of being, and social skills is also important in learning connection, but not AS relevant to learning big show tango moves.

An example of miss-alignment between motivation and action is where I have observed some leads working hard to learn more vocabulary and do big flashy moves.  Is this action in alignment with what they want?  If they want to be better at show Tango and performance, then learning big flashy moves is in alignment with their desire.  Why all the fuss here about miss-alignment?

WHEN YOU ARE MISS-ALIGNED, YOU ARE NOT IN A PARASYMPATHETIC STATE OF BEING!    (See Tangasm Dangers Part 1 for clarification on sympathetic/ parasympathetic states of being.)  It is hard to be relaxed when you are not aligned between what you want and your actions.  If you do not know your underlying motivation, you run a high probability of being miss-aligned.  On the other hand, when you are aligned you relax more thereby residing in a more parasympathetic state of being.

Lastly, in sticking with my metaphor of orgasms, in lovemaking, some individuals aggressively go after orgasms as if they are the goal of lovemaking.  They do not realize that just focusing on getting to an orgasm actually thwarts the pleasure and eventual buildup to a huge release and onto another buildup and release.  In Tantra we call orgasms just signposts on the journey of loving, enjoying and communicating with our beloved.  Or said another way, by relaxing and enjoying the ride without a goal of a big payoff, we reside in a parasympathetic nervous system state.

Bottom line- I believe when we are clear of our motivations in Tango, and consciously act in alignment with our motivations, we become way more relaxed.  This increased relaxation (parasympathetic state) leads to better dancing, faster Tango learning, greater enjoyment of Tango, and multiple Tangsams (Tango orgasms).

The Tangasm danger is if we go after things and we don’t know why, we run the danger of engaging our sympathetic nervous system way too much.  What are effective ways to relax in Tango besides alignment?  Check back for another entry on TANGO RELAXATION – The art of BEING in Tango.