This pic captures the apology, "I Am Sorry", as well as the vulnerability and nakedness that goes with dancing/ living as an apology

I am angry, sad and astonished in uncovering how much I have danced and lived as an apology.

In Tango my apologies have shown up as me thinking: I am sorry I can only dance at this level, for I know you are used to dancing at such a higher level; I am sorry I am so silly in my dance; I am sorry I could not lead this move so clearly that you easily got it; I am sorry I experimented in trying some new way of moving with you; I am sorry I asked you to dance when you might be waiting to be asked by someone better than me; I am sorry I interrupted your attention on trying to get a dance with someone else; I am sorry you danced with me when you could have danced with someone better; I am sorry I asked you to work harder at staying on your axis and moving on your own; I am sorry…

I have danced for the woman way too much – I want to play and experiment, yet I do not with many women for it feels that they want some version of a proper trance dance, or just proper Tango.  A few times some women have had strong emotionally charged responses to one or two of my silly moves.

Down in Buenos Aires, Gustavo Naviera exposed my “problem”.  I went up to him during a class, and asked him what was I doing wrong.  I said, “I am not really getting what I want, even though she is following what I am leading, it does not feel right.  Something is off.”

He said, “Your technique is fine and good.  But I see your problem.  Your problem is you are dancing for the woman.  STOP!  Don’t dance for the woman.  Dance for yourself.  Be like a mountain, and move ONLY when you want to move, not when she wants you to move.  You might be a mountain for a whole phrase or two.  If she does not like it, let her not like it.  She can dance with someone else.  I want her to feel YOUR dance.”

His words shook me up.  I thought to myself:  what if she doesn’t like it?; what if I make her work a lot?; what if she makes a lot of mistakes and thinks she is a bad dancer?; what if…

These apologies show up in life oh so easily, even when I have acted with mindfulness and heart:  I am sorry to shake up your world with my perspectives; I am sorry to ask questions you consider personal; I am sorry to point out inconsistencies in your beliefs by asking for clarification; I am sorry to call you on questionable integrity in some area of your life; I am sorry to ask you to share your inner feelings; I am sorry to ask you to dare to be better; I am sorry to ask you to please follow through with your promises to me; I am sorry to ask you to be more of who you really are; I am sorry to ask for your help being that it might be an inconvenience; I am sorry…

I am so emotionally raw because of repeatedly being beaten down from dancing as an apology.  Recently I have welled up with tears at milongas and practicas, quickly wiping my eyes and stuffing my emotions, hoping no one saw my vulnerability.

And I am scared to show my vulnerability, for I do not want anyone to take advantage of that.  My father did.

I want to dance MY dance authentically.  What does that look like exactly? …

Dave at the Grand Milonga at Seattle Tango Magic 2009 with the live band in the background

Now and then a tanguera comes along and captures my Soul with her sensual movement, flowery fragrance, cuddly embrace, radiant aliveness and childlike playfulness.  On Saturday in Seattle such a scenario shadowed me twice in succession.  At the alternative milonga I felt freed where I could play with the music in the ways I so enjoy.  Each follow allowed me to express my joy and impishness.

And at some point I cabaceoed a woman that I had desired to dance with.  When I watched her earlier, I felt that I could easily trance, laugh and walk in great delight with her.  Within 2 phrases of moving with her in my embrace, I could feel a connection lock in where I knew I would go to the place of trance, connection and oneness that I hunger for.

We danced several tandas over the course of the milonga, and had our last dance of the milonga with “Stairway to Heaven”.  As the music faded I acknowledged to myself I just experienced one of the best dances ever.  I thought the tanda was over and I offered a deep sigh and thanks.  I had had a TANGASM.  I hadn’t had time to revel in my tangasm, for another song came on, and a woman hurriedly approached me.   I had wanted to dance with this particular tanguera since I met her at the houseboat pre-milonga party.

Soon after we started, she bewildered me by moving in ways I had never experienced.  The energy of desire and playfulness she expressed went beyond any other dancer to date.  I shook my head several times in my attempt to contain energy she summoned.  By the end of that one song,  I realized that was one of the top dances I ever had.  She had blown me away.

The stars seemed to have aligned with me for that milonga as I was left speechless.  I went up to each of these two amazing tangueras and acknowledged how extraordinary the dances were for me.  To my incredulity they each reciprocated with an equal acknowledgement.  Wow!  I found it hard to believe that my experience of such amazing dances were shared.  Often the experience of a tanda is so different for each dancer, so I never assume my partner had a wonderful time even though I may have.

Dave at Seattle Tango Magic

Part of what made this milonga one of my best ever was how I danced only with those women I wanted to dance with.  I let my desire guide me in choosing who I would ask.  The connection I sensed with each woman greatly influenced my desire to choose to dance with them.

I do not always choose based on desire.  At times I have chosen dances based on past connection or the tanguera’s enthusiasm to dance with me.  When I choose based on desire in the moment, I notice how much better I dance, how much better the milonga is for me, and how much more I can give to the women I dance with.

And with this milonga, I experienced what I now call THE MAGIC OF ONE.  It appears that one individual has the power to make a milonga go from good to great or great to extraordinary.  With one particular tanguera, many of the milongas at the festival went from great to extraordinary.  Overall I had many great dances with so many wonderful tangueras!  Each tanguera was different in how they expressed and moved with me.  I delighted in each of their unique expressions.

My festival ended not with the last milonga, but by hanging out with this Magic of One tanguera for 7 hours at the Seattle airport.  For three of those hours we danced – I had my computer with all of my tango music, tango shoes and desire.  She had her tango shoes and desire.  We set up our milonga space in a hallway next to Starbucks.  The airport police used the corridor to go to their offices, and almost all smiled as they walked by our tango bubble.

Not all the magic of the Seattle Tango Festival has been shared- what transpired at the Salmon Bake deserves its own entry, for the MAGIC OF ONE expresses both the power of transcendent experiences in dancing with one individual and what a milonga space can create.  The Salmon Bake is the most magical of milonga spaces I ever danced in.

Tango offers the promise of multiple tango orgasms but dangers lurk deep within this tantalizing promise.  A Tango orgasm is akin to a peak experience; a transcendent event; a blissful happening; or euphoric affair.  I call these Kisses of the Divine (see blog entry Tango & The Kiss of the Divine.)  In Tango we yearn for these, live for them and seek them out as we do in life.  They are the epitome of connection, and one of the biggest yet elusive payoffs of becoming better at Tango connection.

However, the danger is that people often seek and even aggressively go after a Tango orgasm but miss out on the simple pleasures and mini-orgasms that exist and lead to the big “O”.  Other ways of saying this are that we try too hard and miss out on all of the fun/ goodies, or we focus so much on the goal we miss out on many opportunities, or that we work so hard we don’t smell the roses.

What I am writing about is a perennial problem of humanity – DOING at the expense of BEING.  This perennial problem lies at the root of MANY challenges within the human condition such as why humans are not happier, or why stress is so high, or why extraordinary sex and deep intimacy is so fleeting and impossible for many, or why so many psychological problems exist and humanity on the whole suffers so much.

In Tango and in life, if we want more bliss and extraordinary connection, then it helps to understand deeper aspects of the problem (solution comes later.)   Our nervous system is one key to life bliss and Tango orgasms.  Our nervous system is divided into two parts- the sympathetic and parasympathetic systems.

The sympathetic nervous system when active does the following: mobilizes the body for action; heightens fight or flight syndrome; raises breathing, heart rate and blood pressure; and reduces digestion.  The great majority of Americans activate their sympathetic nervous system way too much and often.

The parasympathetic nervous system when active does the following: relaxes; slows breathing; slows heart rate; lowers pulse; allows deeper sleep; controls the contraction of smooth muscles such as the  bladder, G.I. tract and heart.  Connection, intimacy, deep pleasure and great orgasms occur within the parasympathetic nervous system. 

An easy way of understanding how these systems interact in a way that does not support connection and bliss is around sleeping and male erections.  When we TRY hard to sleep, we are actually activating the sympathetic nervous system.  And when a man TRIES hard to have an erection, or is nervous, tense or stressed, an erection is less likely.  Sleep and male erections are the province of the parasympathetic nervous system – for both a person needs to engage the parasympathetic nervous system through ways of relaxing.

In Tango, I have observed when people get into a parasympathetic mode (relaxed), then more connection occurs.  However, a great majority of American Tango dancers I have observed do many things that activate the sympathetic nervous system.   Therefore,  incredible connection, bliss, pleasure and Tango orgasms that should be possible and probable, become improbable.

What are we actually doing that gets in the way of great connection and Tango orgasms?  How do we deal with this problem?  And what other dangers lurk in going after Tango orgasms?

Part 2 is on its way…

This is how the Birmingham hip replacements look after installed. I am now officially a cyborg.

I was literally looking at a life without Tango.  I asked myself, was it worth dying for?  Now, it was only a 1 in 8,000 chance I would die from the anesthesia.  But the 50/50 chance of it not working, which would mean walking would be severely painful, and no turning back from getting implants?  I knew my answer within minutes of my doctor giving me these odds.

I did my due diligence to make the odds work for me, with research and other expert opinions.  I went back to Dr. Rector after due-diligence and TOLD him to do the surgery.  He asked me if I was sure.  I looked him in the eye and said, do it or I will get the next doctor to do it, but I prefer you!  I chose the first available slot he had -11 days later.

On April 11th 2008 I had hip resurfacing on my right hip, and June 20th 2008 had hip resurfacing on my left hip.  Resurfacing is 3rd generation hip replacements where the femur head is not chopped off, but instead capped with a chromium-cobalt metal ball and the hip is reamed out and a chromium-cobalt socket is hammered into it.  Yes, replacement surgeries are akin to carpentry.  Hip resurfacing is actually way more painful in recovery, for the entire femur head is popped out of the socket and out of the body through a 7 inch cut in the hip.  This racial carpentry is needed to fit the femur head with a cap.

This is more than a little painful upon waking.  I took EVERY drug available to me at full dose -8 drugs, except for morphine for the first hip resurfacing.  With the second hip resurfacing, I woke up and within 2 minutes demanded a morphine drip!  In addition, it took 8-12 weeks to get over the deep-bone pain.  The deep bone pain I experienced is akin to bone cancer.  And for those of you who think I had a joy ride on full dosing of percocet, know that percocet goes directly to dealing with pain.  If not in pain, you get a good high.  While in excruciating pain, you get less pain only!

As soon as the bone pain left, I went off percocet and did not crave more (so much for my critics telling me that I was addicted to pain killers).  Of course, biologically, my body did have interesting withdrawal symptoms – shaking as if I was in seizure.  This became interesting once while I drove my car.

The final cost was $120,000 for both hip replacements – I paid only a little over $4,000 (yeah for insurance!).  By the way, Rusty Cline in Tucson, AZ has also had a hip resurfacing – we are called surface hippie buddies.

SO- for over 2 years I danced with considerable pain.  I still have some pain, which is slowly receding.  I know what it is like to live on percocet for months.  I have learned a few things about balance, engaged frame and core, and being efficient with my movement as well as pacing my dancing.  In addition, I have a healthy respect for modern medicine!  And I do not take running, walking or dancing for granted.

I will leave you readers with severe hip challenges with this- every story of hip replacement and hip resurfacing that I have read or heard had one comment in common – EVERYONE wished they had surgery sooner than they actually did.  Because of my complete passion for Argentine Tango, I am one of the few exceptions – I not only did not wait to get surgery, I took every first available slot with doctors/ surgeons to get my full ability to dance Tango back.  Hmmm, what I do for my mistress (Tango).

I received Birmingham implants in my right and left hips.

You will notice two curious things if you read my past entries – I have not blogged for almost 2 years, and the last entries alluded to something huge going on with my health which I did not know at the time.  For the record, in those two years, I have had  1 arthroscopic hip surgery, 2 hip replacements, massive pain and depression.  Here is my story.

On Monday, June 4th 2007 I woke up with a lot of pain in my back.  Shortly after waking up, I went to pick up my laptop computer from the floor, and collapsed onto the floor with massive pain and back spasm.  I had to call my neighbors for food and water as I could only lay on the floor.  It took me 10 minutes to crawl to the toilet and way too much pain to use it.

Four days later I was finally able to drive to the doctor, and went on full dosing of Vicadin.  After 2 months of full vicadin dosing, my doctor ordered MRI’s and found that I was screwed - I had a disease in my teens that deformed both of my femur heads, which led to severe osteo-arthritis.  I needed surgery to attempt to buy me time before 2 eventual hip replacements.

I asked around for and then went to one of the best hip surgeons in the Denver Metro area – Dr. Armando Vidal.  What a great name!  And how the women swooned over him and his male assistants – all GQ quality.  One friend told me she would seriously do the whole surgical team if she had a chance  You know who you are…

On Dec. 5th 2007, I had arthroscopic surgery on my right hip.  Shortly after I woke up from surgery, I discovered that almost 2/3 of my cartilage was shot – I had not bought myself much time.  Dr. Vidal had warned me that MRI’s do not tell the whole story, so it was possible I would not get much from the surgery.  However, it was worth a shot!

I danced 3 weeks later.  Up till that point, 3 weeks had been the longest I had gone without dancing.  To have the opportunity to dance Tango, it was worth the pain.  I did my best to not let my dance partners know how much pain I experienced, for I did not want them dancing differently.  However, I did not lead ganchos!  The San Diego festival of 2008 challenged me, to put it lightly.

I continued dancing, and during the 2008 Valentango festival, I felt so much pain I may have never been lower in my life.  While on the dance floor, I stifled back many tears of pain, and walking back from each milonga was excruciating.  The one thing that I had become most passionate about – Tango – I had to acknowledge the possibility I would never dance it again.  Upon that realization, I made appointments to see a couple of doctors/ surgeons to immediately get hip replacements.

My all-time favorite doctor, Dr. Bereznoff, counseled me to stop dancing for good, and that if I went through with hip replacement surgery, I could die, and that there was literally a 50/50 chance it would not work!  Good doctor/ Bad News!  The top surgeon for hip replacements within 100′s of miles, Dr. Rector, told me to get 2 more opinions and he suggested I stop dancing and not get any surgery for 5-10 years.

OK – what would you do?

Allowing oneself to experience desire from the core is paradise. In Tango, desire is one of the most powerful energies/ ways to connect with one’s partner.

On Saturday I danced out at Cheesman Park.  Thanks to Darlene and her inspiration, we now have a regular milonga at Cheesman Park on Saturdays during sunset.  I had a wonderful breakthrough in my dancing.

As I danced with one particular follow, I allowed my desire to be close to her to fill me up and radiate out to her during my expression of dancing.  I instantly discovered a much stronger connection and pleasure in dancing.  I did this with another follow and discovered the same thing — stronger connection and pleasure.

Desire is different than just sexual energy.  I want to distinguish between them.  Desire is an energy of wanting, not necessarily having sex.  Desire can be felt and expressed in many ways.  The desire I felt was wanting to just be closer.  Now, some sexual energy did rise, but instead of just having it congeal in one area of my body (as what happens in lustful desire), I allowed the energy/ feeling of desire fill my whole body and connected that desire with the music, with my follow, with her steps, with my steps, with the gentle breeze, with her movements, with my breath.

I noticed I did a few things differently.  I looked more at my follow.  I had more surging quality in my walk.  I had a greater connection with the music.  I had a stronger posture — being more upright, and more outward lead from my heart and chest.

For many reasons which I did not know at the time, I have been not stoking my desire.  I realized quite awhile after that I did not want to put my self out so strongly.  I wanted to keep some of me in reserve so to speak.  I believed that if I put out my desire strongly, I would be rejected.  Now it is possible I will still be rejected — that a follow might pull away from my energy of desire.  Yet, wherever that belief came from, it is not with me now.  That belief certainly has not been helpful, but hindering.

I have since been playing with stoking desire in my dance.  When I fill with desire, I am also filling with me, or said another way, connecting more fully with my core.  My core is about desire.  According to the Abraham-Hicks material (info on manifesting), all humans at their core have great desire and we are in this life to connect with our desire, choose what we want, and express it by manifesting our desires.

I believe part of why few people dance with desire is two-fold.  For many, desire for another in Tango equals sexual attraction.  Second, to connect with our desire also brings up how often we have not manifested our desires and hence experienced the hurt/ pain of wanting but not getting.

In the tantric workshops I have attended, we engaged in exercises called Pujas where we looked into another’s eyes and on purpose projected different things.  For example, imagine that the person in front of you is your life-mate and you instantly love them more deeply than ever before.  Or, the person in front of you in your mother asking for full forgiveness.  Or, the person in front of you desperately needs your healing and blessing so project that into their eyes.  The bottom line purpose of pujas is to deepen one’s ability to connect with another.  This connection does not have anything to do with sexual intercourse.

So, in Tango I have explored imagining my partner as a beautiful being, a full goddess, wanting to be held in loving care as I dance.  Or my partner is a playful soul wanting to feel me fully alive with her exploring the desire in the music.

However, in my experience of working with hundreds of clients as a therapist/ life coach, I have witnessed how hard it is for so many to feel their desire.  As soon as someone connects with their desire, they also connect to the accumulated hurt of not getting their desire.

I recommend exploring feeling the desire of connecting with a partner, and manifest that desire through feeling the magnificence of the connection.

When I don’t feel my desire as I enter a milonga, I often imagine this might be the last opportunity I get to connect, the last milonga I may ever attend.  Any hesitation I have over connecting fully to myself and partner quickly dissipates.

I am so excited to further explore my desire in more dances.