“Tango demands intimacy whether we like it or not.  Tango obliges who we are to show up whether we want it to or not.  Tango compels us to know who we want to be whether we imagine it or not.” – Ulysses

Lisa & Dave at Cheesman Park 9/6/09 Photo by ?

I find this entry to be the hardest to write and communicate to date, for I have to share more of my psyche than I have before.   To be true to my process, I must provide a rawness and vulnerability I would prefer to keep to myself.  I fear the possibility that what I offer might be used against me in some way, or I will appear weak and less attractive to my peers, or that I will be judged as less of a man.  This fear probably comes from my father’s upbringing.

On Saturday morning of the Denver Labor Day Tango Festival 2009, I basked in a form of nirvana from so many tandas filled with joy, play, musical exploration, sweetness, connection and intimacy.  I found myself sharing often that I was in heaven, and sighed from many Tangasms.  How did I show up?  I only upped it by perhaps one level.  I could up it by 2 or 3 levels.

However, I believe that showing up more would entail greater stillness of my thoughts, breathing more intentionally, slowing down my walk outside of Tango, feeling my heart beat (this refers to Heart Math Institute and working with one’s own heart resonance), relaxing into my hip sockets in my Tango walk, and engaging more with people’s eyes.

Overall, showing up is about intimacy.  Intimacy allows others to see me, allows myself to be vulnerable where people get to connect with me more as I do not defend myself.  What would I be defending myself from?  In my mind the defense is from an unseen form of attack by judgments, rejection, not being liked, or a threat to identity – the sense of who I am.  Identity is referred to as ego in some wisdom traditions and psychological models of our psyche.  And in Tango, there is much to fear.

In Tango I have witnessed more gossip, mean-spiritedness, immaturity, ego identification and defense, rejection, judgment and exclusivity than any other place I have experienced.  The milonga can be emotionally brutal, and many Tango Meltdowns have violently grabbed me.  I have observed the worst of high school behavior in milongas.  Some of my biggest fears have been realized through people who truly are neurotic, maladjusted and narcissistic.  The countless examples I could detail just underline how milonga halls become a strong mirror – bringing to light our psyches and our lurking fears, joys, losses, and rages.  And some wonder why so many leave Tango?

Aum (OM) is the sound of the infinite. ... Aum is said to be the essence of all mantras, the highest of all matras or divine word (shabda), brahman (ultimate reality) itself. Aum is said to be the essence of the Vedas. (Definition & Pic - Wikipedia)

So, here I am living my life in the context of Tango, in sadness, frustration, excitement, longing, loneliness, emotional fire, dreaming, wondering.  I feel my aliveness straining to burst through: hardened layers of distrust; years of rejection and disappointment; and memories of too many body injuries, pain and deformations.  And I feel my aliveness straining to join: the river of achievements, celebrations and dreams; the well of wisdom of life experiences and mentors; and the warmth and caring of so many friends.

How do I deal with my fear of showing up, of being more intimate?  How do I open up even more to every partner I dance with, the world of Tango and life?  I believe my answer lies in a mantra I once received.

One of my first and revered mentors, Ed, facilitated a deep transformational process in a group weekend of “Self Acceptance Training”.  His mentor and my friend is now on his deathbed as I write this.  The mantra Ed spoke to me:  I choose not to fight for I have already won…

Dave Donatiu at Denver Labor Day Tango Festival 2009 - Photo by Paul Akmajian

I sit here on Friday early afternoon before the “welcoming milonga” feeling into my state of being as to how I am showing up right now.  What am I feeling?  Where is my attention?  What are my intentions?

I remind myself that right before the last Denver Tango Festival at Memorial Day, Ulysses proposed doing two things – be kind and confident to myself and others.  This proposal opened the doorway to realizing that my incessant inkling of a profound deeper truth existing in Tango, actually exists - The Tango Matrix.  My journey in three months time has wrenched my heart and soul into insights and awarenesses that leave me confronted with a salient bottom line certainty- I get to choose how I show up in the world, yet often I do not.

I believe my choice of showing up originated from as early as I became a sentient being, whenever that was.  Obviously, several levels of showing up can be found.  Yet here I am, aware that I usually do not consciously show up, and certainly do not choose with gusto most of the time.   However, I could enter the milonga hall in 2 hours with an indifference, an unconscious way of being, and still dance, connect, talk, laugh, smile, and be.

But what SCREAMS AT ME are the consequences of being indifferent after experiencing the astonishing power of Magic through the Tango Matrix.  I can continue to feel as I do now- sleepy, somewhat numb, reserved and lightly held back, a little sad and lonely, all because I am not fully showing up.

Many of you who know me would probably say, and do tell me, that you see me as happy, joyful in dancing, smiling a lot, playful and energetic.  I am.  Yet I am also keenly aware of greater levels of showing up – a deeper truth in showing up.  The MAGIC of The Tango Matrix clearly and distinctly offers a vast level of presence, composure, empathy, connection and joy.

What is available within the world of Magic is wonderous, immense, bold, joyous and supremely fulfilling.  How I access this world is through intention, consciousness and humility, dropping into my presence, heart, body, and allowing the wonderment of each individual I connect with to radiate and fill me.  This is a stronger way of showing up, bringing myself to the party/ milonga.

Reflecting on showing up brings to mind the words: intimacy- allowing others to see me by feeling my emotions and breath; presence- feeling my body, breathing into my own lungs, owning my space; awareness- aware of my environment, and intentionally breathing into the presence of others; and connection- opening unconditionally to my partner’s state of being.

SHOWING UP directly impacts the quality of my experience in Tango, on and off the floor in the milonga.  And just as important is that the quality of the dance and my partner’s experience is immensely impacted by how I show up.

In an e-mail, Ulysses weighed in on showing up and Tango:

“Dave, showing up IS Tango, as well as our expression of life.  How we show up IS connection and our tanda on the dance floor: our body’s movement and breath, our partner’s movement and breath, the Tango music and its breath, and the movement and breath of every other couple on the dance floor.  To not show up is to not know Tango.”

As I contemplate how to relate my experience of the Baltimore Tango Element Festival itself, I can say that this was my 30th festival and is 2nd from the bottom of my ranking of quality of festival experiences.  I am only talking of MY experience, not necessarily the quality of the festival itself.

I take many arenas into consideration when I consider my festival experience such as: quality of DJ’ing; who attends; level of snobbishness/ cliquishness; navigation skill and following of navigation codes; how other Tango codes are used; seating arrangements; quality of entrance/ exit from milonga floor; temperature controls; food, snacks, water, coffee availability; performances and their quality and length; quality of announcements; milonga lighting quality; sound quality; organizational quality; meet and greet quality; experience of tracking participants’ payment and milonga/ class entrance; timeliness of events’ start and end; hotel quality including timeliness of staff response to issues, bathroom upkeep and quality with other customer service issues; venue quality, variety and ease of transportation to and from venues; how teachers conduct themselves on and off the dance floor…  The list goes on.

Even though I do not formally assess on paper, I could assess and assign a number on a scale for each arena similar to many other industries.  I wonder if others would be interested in this information?  Just knowing the arenas of ranking would give a festival organizer valuable insight and information to make their festivals better.

Of course, everyone has different experiences at a festival, including what is important to them.  However, everyone would probably experience some level of discomfort and frustration with the lack of air conditioning in a hot and humid milonga hall.  How festival arenas effect each individual varies.  And some of these festival arenas outweigh others.  If five of my favorite tangueras showed up and danced a lot with me, low rankings in other arenas just would not matter much.  In addition, festivals are experienced different from a follow’s perspective vs. a lead’s perspective.

With all this said, I did have many wonderful dances, connections and creation of memories.  Even though I probably will not attend again, I am glad I attended and want to share some of the memories that were created in addition to what I shared in my last entry- Baltimore Tango Elements Festival Part 2- Creating Memories.

I hung out with my good friend and first Tango festival buddy, Sarah.  Such good memories of several festivals we both traveled to, and our sharing of all that happened during so many milongas.  I have enjoyed all the debriefing of Tango happenings.

I also had a spectacular dinner with a professional coach.  Our conversation contained sharing of personal growth/ transformational technologies and methodologies.  This brought up many memories of my participation in these organizations- both positive and an acknowledgement of restrictions in fundamental cosmologies.  I treasure befriending people like her, for all of the shenanigans of Tango melt away while connecting with my good Tango friends.

Another mention are the performances Sabastian Arce and Chicho gave, which astonished me, inspired me, and thrilled the participants.   The thunderous clapping got 5 dances out of Sabastian and 6 out of Chicho.  WOW!  The expertise and cutting-edge explorations certainly showed me some of the places Tango can go.

And, one of my favorite memories is how at 5:15 AM in the Baltimore airport I met up with 5 other Tangueras/os.  If we all had not been so tired, we would have probably danced.  Just hanging out with these friends supplied me with a deep sense of community and well being.  Yum!

Now, onto the Denver Labor Day festival…

Baltimore's Inner Harbor

Now and then a Tango festival offers more insights off the dance floor than on.  Baltimore’s Tango Elements Festival held more outside its milonga halls, continuing my journey with the Tango Matrix through the conjuring of memories.

My festival started in the Baltimore airport as I reminisced with my father over the phone about our past trips to Lexington Market and the Inner Harbor when I lived 45 min. from Baltimore as a kid from age 5-10.  I looked forward to seeing downtown Baltimore during my Super Shuttle ride over to the Tremont Plaza Hotel.  However, after observing the area around Lexington market run down, and viewing the fact that a huge section of an aisle of the market was selling TP, I knew lot had changed and I would not be walking in that area.

On Friday I left on an excursion to the Inner Harbor- quite a touristy area.  I remembered my father taking me to Fort McHenry for lunch, here at the Inner Harbor.  I do not have many good memories of my childhood, so the ones I remembered on Friday were precious.

Other memories that the Inner Harbor called to mind were during my employment as a national trek leader where I drove 4,000 miles every 3 weeks in a 15 passenger van with 13 international customers age 25-35, visiting National parks, forests, city life, night life, attractions and adventures.  I once brought my tourists to Baltimore’s Inner Harbor.  This conjured a time filled with several rich and intense adventures, and reminded me how I used to explore so much more.  My desire climbed to want to explore the world further through Tango.

And a funny thing happened – I ran into a tanguera, Alice (pseudonym), and asked her if she would like my company.  We went off an a mini-adventure which led us first to the American Visionary Art Museum.  Though Alice chose this destination, I willingly went along with an adventurous spirit.  Wow!  If I would have known what I was to stumble upon, I would have visited the museum the day I arrived!  Here is an excerpt that explained their current exhibit of “The Marriage of Art, Science and Philosophy.”:

This exhibition’s 100+ visionary artists/ scientists/ inventors and philosophers take a fresh look at the very notion of flight, color, sound, pattern, number, scale, and purpose in their personal pursuit of wonder.  Along its way, we honor our human need to make sense of all the big questions of existence – an historic and mighty itch, aching to get scratched.  In physics, we call it, “the hunt for a unified theory of everything,” and in religion and myth, is what fuels accounts of creation and Divine intention.  This human longing to know the unknowable is what led French visionary artist Louis Souter, to declare, “If the impossible exists, I’m on its track!”

Once again synchronicity with its magic imbibed my Soul as it pulled me to this unique destination with Alice.  I reveled and contemplated the words, sights and sounds of these visionaries as I felt Divine presence and inspiration.  A summation of all that I had thought before as well as what my present path held with the magic of what lay beyond the Tango Matrix shone as I walked among the works.  Representing and/or residing within the walls of this museum were Tantra, Buddhism, Quantum Physics, String Theory, drawings, “Singing, You Dance on My Eardrum” exploration-of-sound, Einstein, Arthur C. Clark, Carl Sagan, sculptures, quilts, photos, crop circles, quotes of notable philosophers, and so much more.

Alice and I enjoyed discovering so many facets of the exhibit, and at one point we danced Tango to a particular exhibit’s music – “Fever” as sung by Peggy Lee.  For a quarter of a century I have held an underlying view and interest of the majesty of science, imagination and exploration.  This special exhibit exhilarated me, and supplied me with a knowing of being well aligned on my journey.

All in all the museum brought up the many years that I delved into the possibilities of technology, spirituality and science, and the promise of massive evolution of our species.  This museum experience summoned my appreciation for science and the pursuit of wonder, furthering my passion to explore more of the world of magic.

After the museum, our hunger led us to a Spanish Tapas restaurant where we went for an all-you-can-eat tapas special.  Our conversation took many turns.  Of particular interest to Alice- I shared my belief and synthesis of what underlies healing, growth and transformation – that we are Divine beings covering up our magnificence.  All we have to do is to drop into acceptance or our Selves by uncovering our layers of resistance.  I shared how I think way too many personal growth programs and technologies only offer another layer of resistance by programming a way to deal with a problem, instead of dealing with the layer of resistance.  In effect, the programming becomes another layer of resistance.

My sharing evoked the memory of 13 years as a professional body-centered psychotherapist and facilitating and witnessing so many healings and people making their lives better.  I gave this up shortly before Tango caught me.  However, the conversation materialized a new inclination to once again assist people in bettering their lives – probably through uncovering their own passion, purpose and calling.

After returning to the hotel from a long afternoon of adventure and conjuring of memories, I laid down to nap before the milonga, feeling more wonder and magic waiting for me to explore.

And I did find some in the milonga halls and with friends…

Seattle Tango Magic Salmon Bake pavilion on Lake Washington Harbor photo by Natalia

The Seattle Tango Magic Festival Salmon Bake cast its spell well before I arrived.  Ever since I heard the rave reviews and felt the mystical aura radiating from the words of those who spoke about this unique event, I yearned to dance there.

As I drove over the Lake Washington Bridge to Kirkland with my newfound magical tanguera, the Salmon Bake became real.   Anticipation grew as my inner child jumped up and down in excitement as if I was waiting in line to be strapped into a rollercoaster (I used to have summer passes to amusement parks).

Then something curious occurred.  While driving up Lake St. to Marina Park, I was flabbergasted by throngs of people walking around in their bathing suits.  I knew Seattle had a heat wave thrust upon it as the thermometer reached over 96 that day.  However, to see so many people walking on beaches to my left and on the streets with bikinis, flip flops, cut off shorts, and guys going shirtless I thought I had transported to San Diego!

I parked; quickly strode to the pavilion; scoped out a spot for my tango suitcase; looked at the long line waiting for salmon and promptly asked my companion to dance.  Upon entering the dance floor with my stunning tanquera partner in a red sparkle camisole, I beamed.

Only a few other couples joined us so we had practically unlimited space to use.  A slight breeze blew into the pavilion with the smell of salmon wafting throughout the space.  The Tango music thumped in my heart.  I floated in my trance and laughed at the delightful movements my partner expressed.  Onlookers gazed at this different sensual and passionate dance – calling forth even more passion.  I danced two tandas in tranced out bliss.

To say this moment was simply a festival highlight is woefully inadequate in expressing my deep appreciation.  That night continued for me with many tandas – this special milonga space infused every one of my tandas with magic!

A half hour before the sun embarked upon its disappearing act, I finally decided to eat some salmon.  I found my two very good friends and hosts, Steve and Linda, went through the waiting line for food, then sat with them.  Their companionship felt so good!  I watched the sunset as I savored the fresh salmon.  If I died that moment, I knew I would have been at the absolute best place, state of being and with the best people around me to leave this world.

My best friend Craig also attended this festival.  To have shared the moment of the salmon bake with him also holds a special place in my heart.  Craig and I have shared many festivals and Tango experiences, and to be able to hang out with him and share these experiences is priceless.  In addition, the number of Tango friends present at the Seattle festival and at this particular milonga infused my heart with a great joy of being in community, feeling a profound sense of belonging.

The power of this magical milonga space and community of friends present created a potent transcendent experience.  This will be one of my favorite Tango memories for all my years, and I suspect upon my deathbed, I will recall the Seattle Salmon Bake.  This singular event left an indelible mark upon my heart, spirit and mind.

Seattle Salmon Bake, I will be back!

Dave at the Grand Milonga at Seattle Tango Magic 2009 with the live band in the background

Now and then a tanguera comes along and captures my Soul with her sensual movement, flowery fragrance, cuddly embrace, radiant aliveness and childlike playfulness.  On Saturday in Seattle such a scenario shadowed me twice in succession.  At the alternative milonga I felt freed where I could play with the music in the ways I so enjoy.  Each follow allowed me to express my joy and impishness.

And at some point I cabaceoed a woman that I had desired to dance with.  When I watched her earlier, I felt that I could easily trance, laugh and walk in great delight with her.  Within 2 phrases of moving with her in my embrace, I could feel a connection lock in where I knew I would go to the place of trance, connection and oneness that I hunger for.

We danced several tandas over the course of the milonga, and had our last dance of the milonga with “Stairway to Heaven”.  As the music faded I acknowledged to myself I just experienced one of the best dances ever.  I thought the tanda was over and I offered a deep sigh and thanks.  I had had a TANGASM.  I hadn’t had time to revel in my tangasm, for another song came on, and a woman hurriedly approached me.   I had wanted to dance with this particular tanguera since I met her at the houseboat pre-milonga party.

Soon after we started, she bewildered me by moving in ways I had never experienced.  The energy of desire and playfulness she expressed went beyond any other dancer to date.  I shook my head several times in my attempt to contain energy she summoned.  By the end of that one song,  I realized that was one of the top dances I ever had.  She had blown me away.

The stars seemed to have aligned with me for that milonga as I was left speechless.  I went up to each of these two amazing tangueras and acknowledged how extraordinary the dances were for me.  To my incredulity they each reciprocated with an equal acknowledgement.  Wow!  I found it hard to believe that my experience of such amazing dances were shared.  Often the experience of a tanda is so different for each dancer, so I never assume my partner had a wonderful time even though I may have.

Dave at Seattle Tango Magic

Part of what made this milonga one of my best ever was how I danced only with those women I wanted to dance with.  I let my desire guide me in choosing who I would ask.  The connection I sensed with each woman greatly influenced my desire to choose to dance with them.

I do not always choose based on desire.  At times I have chosen dances based on past connection or the tanguera’s enthusiasm to dance with me.  When I choose based on desire in the moment, I notice how much better I dance, how much better the milonga is for me, and how much more I can give to the women I dance with.

And with this milonga, I experienced what I now call THE MAGIC OF ONE.  It appears that one individual has the power to make a milonga go from good to great or great to extraordinary.  With one particular tanguera, many of the milongas at the festival went from great to extraordinary.  Overall I had many great dances with so many wonderful tangueras!  Each tanguera was different in how they expressed and moved with me.  I delighted in each of their unique expressions.

My festival ended not with the last milonga, but by hanging out with this Magic of One tanguera for 7 hours at the Seattle airport.  For three of those hours we danced – I had my computer with all of my tango music, tango shoes and desire.  She had her tango shoes and desire.  We set up our milonga space in a hallway next to Starbucks.  The airport police used the corridor to go to their offices, and almost all smiled as they walked by our tango bubble.

Not all the magic of the Seattle Tango Festival has been shared- what transpired at the Salmon Bake deserves its own entry, for the MAGIC OF ONE expresses both the power of transcendent experiences in dancing with one individual and what a milonga space can create.  The Salmon Bake is the most magical of milonga spaces I ever danced in.

Csilla & Dave at the Alternative Milonga in Seattle - photo by Natalia Nk Kalita

Seattle’s Tango Magic was my 29th Tango festival, and stole my heart as my favorite venue and best festival experience to date.  Magic certainly orchestrated opportunities and experiences unique to my Tango life, starting with my first houseboat adventure through dancing 3 hours at the Seattle airport on my return trip to Boulder.

My festival started with a pre-milonga Tango party on a houseboat floating on Lake Union, complete with Salmon, very strong piña coladas, several beautiful women with sexy legs, great company and conversation, friends and a lingering sunset.  The magic started here.

Before I walked onto the houseboat, something about how I was experiencing life- the moment and people had already made itself known through unplugging from the Tango Matrix.  For those of you that have not followed my Tango Matrix series – Ulysses, an enigmatic man of Tango and life wisdom, had recently left me with these words, “Breathe more between the beats.  Follow your desire.  Allow your calling to call. You will collide with treasures waiting for you at one of your next turns…”

On thursday July 23rd, I collided with the awaiting treasures.  It has taken me the days since to fully appreciate and take in the consequences of what I collided with.  As I surrendered to living between the beats of life, my sense of Self, power, connection, calling, purpose, and life direction filled much of my attention as a state of being with knowing.  Several people around me have asked what is different.  No, it is not my hair.

The significance of unplugging from the Tango Matrix revealed more on the houseboat.  To my surprise, I became acutely aware of when, how and where men and women directed their attention, energy, emotion and physicality to each other.  And to my delight I also noticed the energy several women gave to me.  Some call this vibing another.  This attention astonished me, and the greatest amazement turned up in how aware I was of the subtleties others directed energy in this way and that.  I radiated a joy I have not had in awhile.

I relate all of this to make an important point – I had opened myself to receiving magic that I believe is always available to all.  What is magic?  In my view magic is simply the IMMENSE and BOUNDLESS energetic interaction of life.  However, I have found few people open to what is readily apparent.  I am not talking about some woo-woo nebulous thing.  I have a knowing of what I experienced, a knowing which is vastly different than a belief.  I know that as I opened up to magic, an entire world of interaction between people lit up.

Before I opened to magic, peoples’ interaction shone dimly, but on the house boat individuals’ attention, energy, interaction, non-verbal languaging, physical posturing and emotional states shined brightly!  I smiled a lot, and would have enjoyed letting someone in on what I was experiencing, particularly Natalia.  However, I had entered into a very blissful and playful state, so I allowed myself to luxuriate in the magic.

Onto China Harbor I did go.  I was giddy with joy.  Did I mention the strong piña coladas?  Well, I am a lightweight when it comes to alcohol, and I obviously underestimated the strength of what Lily concocted.  I danced with more tipsiness by far than ever before.  Even though it was fun, I had to focus much more than I wanted on my axis and surroundings to dance.  And the rum also clouded some of the brilliance of magic I continued to experience.  Luckily a couple hours later the rum wore off.  However, the brilliance of the magic did not.

The magic had already caught and entranced me.  However, as the festival unfolded, so did my magical experiences…