What first showed up in my Tango dancing as “dancing as an apology”, has spread and consumed my thoughts and being of where I will invest my life energy in now. I have arrived at the edge of a huge chasm, a chasm of what I am creating in my life now, across to what I have wanted to do for a quarter of a century.  I feel pain in the contrast of what my life is and what I want it to be, and it is unbearable.

I clearly remember one of the few times I faced a chasm, 17 years ago – I had just returned from leading a group of 46 college students from the University of Madison, Wisconsin on a ski trip to Winter Park, CO.  I experienced bliss in so many ways before and during this trip.  In 6 days I created this trip and sold it out, even though the rest of the club thought it was impossible, telling me I could not do it.

Furthermore, we had a foot of fresh powder waiting for us the next morning – poetic justice for the ski club leaders that told me I could not do what I did, for their trip of 4 buses that went to Jackson Hole, WY, encountered icy conditions.

On my trip, I facilitated a lot of community building – I secured a $1200 kitty (usually only $300) so I could cater food on the ski hill and fund theme parties for the whole group to be together at night; and I asked questions from the “book of questions” so people shared from their hearts, getting to know each other deeper than usual.  This trip was not your average Spring break college trip!

I returned from Winter Park looking at my current life and acknowledged, I would rather kill myself than continue living without more of what I just created.  I am not into suicide, so I thought what is the craziest thing I could do with my life?  Ahhhh, just do what I really want!

Inspired as a crazed magician, a few hours later I had thrust my life on a hugely different beneficial trajectory:  I gave a month’s notice to my landlord; told my parents I would be moving; secured a truck to move my stuff to parent’s house; went to the Student Union Travel Center, checked out 300 potential jobs in the tour guide industry and chose one – Suntrek;  called Suntrek, got their application faxed to me, filled it out and had it ready for the next day’s mail; began packing my belongings in my apartment – all this not knowing if I had a job or not.  I had faith I would get a job in the tour guide industry one way or another.

Now I am at the same auspicious spot in life – choosing a different path that goes far beyond my current programming of beliefs that tell me I only deserve such and such, and life is hard, and I could not really create what I truly want successfully.  The life I am imagining is HUGE – way bigger than I have allowed myself to live.  I need to take a huge leap of faith, trusting that what I do will lead to what I imagine.

My primary question is- what do we use to take the leap of faith to radically change our programming when what we want goes far beyond our programming (our beliefs)?  You can not cross a chasm in a few small jumps.

I am left with one of my favorite inspirational quotes:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson

This pic captures the apology, "I Am Sorry", as well as the vulnerability and nakedness that goes with dancing/ living as an apology

I am angry, sad and astonished in uncovering how much I have danced and lived as an apology.

In Tango my apologies have shown up as me thinking: I am sorry I can only dance at this level, for I know you are used to dancing at such a higher level; I am sorry I am so silly in my dance; I am sorry I could not lead this move so clearly that you easily got it; I am sorry I experimented in trying some new way of moving with you; I am sorry I asked you to dance when you might be waiting to be asked by someone better than me; I am sorry I interrupted your attention on trying to get a dance with someone else; I am sorry you danced with me when you could have danced with someone better; I am sorry I asked you to work harder at staying on your axis and moving on your own; I am sorry…

I have danced for the woman way too much – I want to play and experiment, yet I do not with many women for it feels that they want some version of a proper trance dance, or just proper Tango.  A few times some women have had strong emotionally charged responses to one or two of my silly moves.

Down in Buenos Aires, Gustavo Naviera exposed my “problem”.  I went up to him during a class, and asked him what was I doing wrong.  I said, “I am not really getting what I want, even though she is following what I am leading, it does not feel right.  Something is off.”

He said, “Your technique is fine and good.  But I see your problem.  Your problem is you are dancing for the woman.  STOP!  Don’t dance for the woman.  Dance for yourself.  Be like a mountain, and move ONLY when you want to move, not when she wants you to move.  You might be a mountain for a whole phrase or two.  If she does not like it, let her not like it.  She can dance with someone else.  I want her to feel YOUR dance.”

His words shook me up.  I thought to myself:  what if she doesn’t like it?; what if I make her work a lot?; what if she makes a lot of mistakes and thinks she is a bad dancer?; what if…

These apologies show up in life oh so easily, even when I have acted with mindfulness and heart:  I am sorry to shake up your world with my perspectives; I am sorry to ask questions you consider personal; I am sorry to point out inconsistencies in your beliefs by asking for clarification; I am sorry to call you on questionable integrity in some area of your life; I am sorry to ask you to share your inner feelings; I am sorry to ask you to dare to be better; I am sorry to ask you to please follow through with your promises to me; I am sorry to ask you to be more of who you really are; I am sorry to ask for your help being that it might be an inconvenience; I am sorry…

I am so emotionally raw because of repeatedly being beaten down from dancing as an apology.  Recently I have welled up with tears at milongas and practicas, quickly wiping my eyes and stuffing my emotions, hoping no one saw my vulnerability.

And I am scared to show my vulnerability, for I do not want anyone to take advantage of that.  My father did.

I want to dance MY dance authentically.  What does that look like exactly? …

What if the opposite is the deeper truth -- "I am NOT OK, and you are NOT OK, but that is OK?"

As I set my sights on residing in MAGIC on Sunday, I sat in shadow and succumbed to a suppression of my spirit.  The Tango Matrix revealed one of its rules, illuminating how I have approached women for the first time in Tango, as well as potential intimate relationships, both with seemingly awesome women.

I got that I have held layers of beliefs that has had me thinking that “I am NOT OK, and that it is NOT OK that I am NOT OK.”  Many in the Psychology field refer to this as negative self-talk, self-esteem issues, or a negative view of ourselves.  However NOT OK is languaged, what remains is an issue that many struggle with in Tango and life – self-confidence.

Self Confidence as defined by Wikipedia:

Self-confidence does not necessarily imply ’self-belief’ or a belief in one’s ability to succeed. For instance, one may be inept at a particular sport or activity, but remain ‘confident‘ in one‘s demeanor, simply because one does not place a great deal of emphasis on the outcome of the activity. The key element to self-confidence is, therefore, an acceptance of the myriad consequences of a particular situation, be they good or bad. When one does not dwell on negative consequences one can be more ‘self-confident‘ because one is worrying far less about failure or (more accurately) the disapproval of others following potential failure. One is then more likely to focus on the actual situation which means that enjoyment and success in that situation is also more probable.  If there is any ’self-belief’ component it is simply a belief in one’s ability to tolerate whatever outcome may arise; a certainty that one will cope irrespective of what happens.

Could it be true that pretty much we all believe on some level that we are NOT OK - even the high level dancers that can get a dance with most anyone.  Furthermore, most likely many believe, “I am NOT OK, but you ARE OK” or an 80’s pop-psych affirmation, “I am OK, and you are OK.”  However, a deeper truth hidden within the Tango Matrix is, “I am NOT OK, and you are NOT OK – but that is OK.”

Well, I say, so let’s get on with having fun living. If this deeper truth exists, then it is quite ironic that we suppress our life and spirit by not taking risks because we falsely believe others are OK, but really they are NOT OK.  Therefore, if we know that everybody is in the same boat (NOT OK), and that everybody has similar insecurities, limiting beliefs and cares about being accepted, then it seems easy to make all this NOT OK stuff, OK.  In believing that everybody is NOT OK, can’t we risk a lot more and be freer with our actions?

How this belief of “I am NOT OK” has personally played out at milongas is when I have not asked a particular woman to dance, for I believe I can not give her a good dance.  I realize I care a lot whether she has a mediocre dance or even a bad dance.  Let’s say I don’t give her a good dance.  What is the worst that can happen?  She could say thank you in the middle of the first song, with an obvious non-verbal display of disgust.  Well, that hurts.  Why does it hurt?  Honestly, I seem to care if I gave her a bad dance and judge myself as NOT OK if she had a bad dance.  That seems horrible.  I cringe at this.  Why?

In amusement, I realize I am taking responsibility for her experience.  I remember how so many times I told clients that they can never make someone feel anything.  What a person feels is generated within their own head, nervous system and body.  None of us give someone anger or sadness or fear or happiness.  We might be a stimulus, but their response is of their own generation.

I am hallucinating that I create “a bad dance experience” within a woman.  I know from my own experiences that if I dance with a beginner or an intermediate dancer, I care little of their technique (unless they are hanging on me, which is painful to some degree).  I just want to connect with a tanguera and express what I sense in the music as I move with them.  I rarely have bad dances – the bad dances (what I perceive as a bad dance) is when a woman uses me to balance herself or she does not attempt to connect with me.

I have observed people that almost always have good dances are not as concerned about the outcome, but are present to themselves and their partner.  And these present dancers tend to be good people, kind to many and heartfelt.  I have also noticed another type of dancer that attempts to dance with only the best dancers, displays snobbish behavior and is rude to many.  They tend to have a hard time connecting, have quite a few insecurities, posture to gain status and care so much in how they appear to others.

So what happens when I don’t take responsibility of someone else’s experience such as a mediocre or bad dance?  What if I let each woman just choose and create her experience and do my best to connect?  What if we all believed that “I am not OK, and you are not OK – but that is OK” and got on with dancing and living?

What if?

In synchronicity I am gazing upon neon art in a café that states:  after you were born, before you die, if not now, when? Not only does this quote in neon affirm my desire to live fully, it offers irony in relation to living as a declaration vs. an inquiry.

A few nights ago in talking to a new-found tango friend, she related how a good friend of hers is all about inquiring in life.  I reflected upon living as an inquiry and how I shared in my last blog entry living as a declaration.  I still inquire some, yet I have lived the last 27 days as much more a declaration of just being.

Declaring is a choice, and viewing the world through the filter of one’s choice.  An example of what living through filter is of a man I know that seems to live through a filter of scientific method, cynicism and resignation.  These are not necessarily consciously chosen filters.  However, many of the choices I have seen him make show these filters.

I am aware that the filters (beliefs) I hold, whether I consciously chose them or not, influence my choices and views to a greater degree than I will probably ever be aware.  Now I arrive at the possibility of choosing a theme of filters I call magic.  I have inquired in my life about making this choice since I was 17.  I have flirted with this choice often, yet I have not chosen out of fear of possible consequences of living through a filter of magic.

Yet this neon art quote, after you were born, before you die, if not now, when, arouses my desire to stop waiting to live in magic.  Living in magic (choosing the filter of magic) is about acknowledging magic: the IMMENSE and BOUNDLESS energetic interaction of life. How would I acknowledge magic?  Look for it, notice it, appreciate it, breathe it in, watch for it, wait for it, luxuriate in it, feel it, allow it to infuse my awareness and being, believe in it, smile at it, and trust that magic can be my guide.

Bottom line:  live life as a declaration that magic not only exists, but I show up in magic as magic, not some void of meaningless existence.  I could choose the belief that life is meaningless and it is meaningless that life is meaningless.  One organization I participated in promotes this belief as the ontological cosmology, or basis of all of their technologies.  I saw the consequences of choosing this belief.  Not what I would choose.

And when it comes to Tango, every milonga affords me the opportunity to witness magic up close.  Tango can be a fishbowl of magic.  Choosing to witness magic sure beats choosing to witness behavior akin to high school, immature, rigid and un-evolved.  Why the hell have I chosen to look through the filter of high school behavior?  Why would anyone?

Ulysses:  Dave, your declaration of magic terminates your question of showing up.  And don’t ponder these words, just reside in magic.  Commit to this choice, and you can bend the rules  of the Tango matrix…

After I parked my RV at a rest stop in Wyoming on Sunday, I sat down and mentally declared in amazement – THIS IS MY LIFE.  No more moving stuff into storage, no more purging irrelevant possessions, no more planning for departure, no more waiting to depart, no more preparing, no more hoping to travel indefinitely, no more more.  This is it.  This is my life.

Eric & Eufemia & Myself at Jam's Cafe during Portland Tango Fest 10/09 - photo by Amy Lehman - this captures the feeling of THIS IS MY LIFE - joyful and in connection with part of my Tango family

Even though I have traveled a lot in my RV on Tango tours, this is different.  I am living a Tango tour indefinitely.  Even though my base is Boulder, CO, I will not return for quite some time.  Truth be known, I would like to NOT HAVE TO ever return, even though I will return.

So, here I am – what I do now is what I do.  I am not waiting, preparing, planning, hoping, wondering nor thinking as much.  I am acutely aware that each day is now my life – not someday.  According to many sage people I have read and heard, this is how life is supposedly better lived.  They call it living in the moment.  I don’t know how in the moment I am, but I do feel a deep shift in my awareness of living.

In my former life before Tango in the role as a life coach, I would routinely ask my clients – “what if your life now is as good as it gets?”  What would you do different?  What would you do more of, less of, and not ever again?  How would you feel?

I am not sure my own question applies to my declaration, This Is My Life. However, I want to ask a different question.  A question such as why do I need to ask so many questions?  What if I stopped being a question, and lived as a declaration.  Instead of wondering or asking, what if I just did what felt right each segment of time (differing lengths of time)?  What if I did not go into thinking a choice, but living a choice?  What the heck am I really saying?

Ulyssess prompted me to encounter the most powerful question to date in my life with these words:  “Dave, you made an important choice but do not understand it.  Your Tango fog is your life fog – you must understand your choice to not only see past it, but to move past it.  Understand & SEE!”

The  choice in question that I encountered that I am not seeing past, nor understanding is – my original choice – TO SHOW UP IN THE WORLD.  Maybe what I am understanding is to stop trying to understand my choice, but BE a choice.  Is this what just happened two days ago?  Did I just choose to show up at a different level?

What does BEING a choice, living a choice and living as a declaration look like for me?  Apparently I am finding out.  In two days since my declaration, I have already made different choices:  I have eaten less, and eaten what felt right; I have gone to bed 2 hours earlier, and woken up 3 hours earlier than usual; I have done Yoga in late afternoon, and upon waking up, and even twice in a day; I have taken more time to acknowledge my cat with attention and snuggling; I have found myself delightfully telling a friend I did not HAVE TO be anywhere at any time, nor fulfill hardly any commitments for a couple of months; I have exercised a few times, doing some strength building which I normally don’t do, nor really like – I liked it; I walked a little slower, and a little faster – I liked both; I have found myself breathing deep intentional breaths, and engaging in other breath exercises, which I normally do not; I bought 2 cheeses I have never bought, one that I have to grate which I have not done in over a decade; bought 2 bottles of wine though I rarely buy one.

Also, I imagine that living as a choice could look like:  easily identifying what action follows from inspiration and without hesitation, doing it; not giving any time to procrastination, but with an inner peace just handling things; smiling a lot more; much more composed vs. collapsing or posturing; giving a lot more gratitude; moving slower but with greater focus and ease.

Hmmmmmmmmm…  Am I living more of a dream and more awake?