What first showed up in my Tango dancing as “dancing as an apology”, has spread and consumed my thoughts and being of where I will invest my life energy in now. I have arrived at the edge of a huge chasm, a chasm of what I am creating in my life now, across to what I have wanted to do for a quarter of a century. I feel pain in the contrast of what my life is and what I want it to be, and it is unbearable.
I clearly remember one of the few times I faced a chasm, 17 years ago – I had just returned from leading a group of 46 college students from the University of Madison, Wisconsin on a ski trip to Winter Park, CO. I experienced bliss in so many ways before and during this trip. In 6 days I created this trip and sold it out, even though the rest of the club thought it was impossible, telling me I could not do it.
Furthermore, we had a foot of fresh powder waiting for us the next morning – poetic justice for the ski club leaders that told me I could not do what I did, for their trip of 4 buses that went to Jackson Hole, WY, encountered icy conditions.
On my trip, I facilitated a lot of community building – I secured a $1200 kitty (usually only $300) so I could cater food on the ski hill and fund theme parties for the whole group to be together at night; and I asked questions from the “book of questions” so people shared from their hearts, getting to know each other deeper than usual. This trip was not your average Spring break college trip!
I returned from Winter Park looking at my current life and acknowledged, I would rather kill myself than continue living without more of what I just created. I am not into suicide, so I thought what is the craziest thing I could do with my life? Ahhhh, just do what I really want!
Inspired as a crazed magician, a few hours later I had thrust my life on a hugely different beneficial trajectory: I gave a month’s notice to my landlord; told my parents I would be moving; secured a truck to move my stuff to parent’s house; went to the Student Union Travel Center, checked out 300 potential jobs in the tour guide industry and chose one – Suntrek; called Suntrek, got their application faxed to me, filled it out and had it ready for the next day’s mail; began packing my belongings in my apartment – all this not knowing if I had a job or not. I had faith I would get a job in the tour guide industry one way or another.
Now I am at the same auspicious spot in life – choosing a different path that goes far beyond my current programming of beliefs that tell me I only deserve such and such, and life is hard, and I could not really create what I truly want successfully. The life I am imagining is HUGE – way bigger than I have allowed myself to live. I need to take a huge leap of faith, trusting that what I do will lead to what I imagine.
My primary question is- what do we use to take the leap of faith to radically change our programming when what we want goes far beyond our programming (our beliefs)? You can not cross a chasm in a few small jumps.
I am left with one of my favorite inspirational quotes:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson




