In synchronicity I stumbled upon a young woman’s blog where she discovered two quotes and shared how they moved her.  These words summon the romance, mystique and power of Tango and moved me as well.

“Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it…It really is worth fighting for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk everything, you risk even more.” Erica Jong

“To him she seemed so seductive, so different from ordinary people, that he could not understand why no one was as disturbed as he by the clicking of her heels on the paving stones, why no one else’s heart was wild with the breeze stirred by the sighs of her veils, why everyone did not go mad with the movements of her braid, the flight of her hands, the gold of her laughter. He had not missed a single one of her gestures, not one of the indications of her character, but he did not dare approach her for fear of destroying the spell.” Gabriel Garcia Marquez

The characters Carrie and Aleksandr in Sex and the City

Now, what if I replaced the word love in the first quote with Tango, and in the second quote replace the woman with Tango?

What is at risk in my life if I give myself over fully to my passion, to Tango, or to a woman?

Why have I shrunk in the face of such stirring beauty and spells before?

Am I afraid to look beyond the spells while lingering in the intimacy of getting to know the spell caster and their true character?

Have I lost my will to fight for what I am so passionate about?

What is it to fight for something?

What is fighting in relation to giving in to something, or giving over to something, or surrendering to something, or allowing something?

What GOD do I serve?  Do I really want to serve something?  And is there anything or anyone I would really die for?

Why dance even one more tanda?

What would I give to pursue my biggest passions?

What would I do to never lose the opportunity to experience my biggest passions?

The character, Carrie Bradshaw in the TV series Sex and the City, eventually defines what she is looking for, and in that moment defines herself.  She tells her boyfriend Aleksandr, “I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.”

I am looking for the same thing as Carrie in both a partner and in my passion, Argentine Tango.  But what is the price?  What is at risk for me?  And if I don’t risk everything, then am I risking more?

“Tango demands intimacy whether we like it or not.  Tango obliges who we are to show up whether we want it to or not.  Tango compels us to know who we want to be whether we imagine it or not.” – Ulysses

Lisa & Dave at Cheesman Park 9/6/09 Photo by ?

I find this entry to be the hardest to write and communicate to date, for I have to share more of my psyche than I have before.   To be true to my process, I must provide a rawness and vulnerability I would prefer to keep to myself.  I fear the possibility that what I offer might be used against me in some way, or I will appear weak and less attractive to my peers, or that I will be judged as less of a man.  This fear probably comes from my father’s upbringing.

On Saturday morning of the Denver Labor Day Tango Festival 2009, I basked in a form of nirvana from so many tandas filled with joy, play, musical exploration, sweetness, connection and intimacy.  I found myself sharing often that I was in heaven, and sighed from many Tangasms.  How did I show up?  I only upped it by perhaps one level.  I could up it by 2 or 3 levels.

However, I believe that showing up more would entail greater stillness of my thoughts, breathing more intentionally, slowing down my walk outside of Tango, feeling my heart beat (this refers to Heart Math Institute and working with one’s own heart resonance), relaxing into my hip sockets in my Tango walk, and engaging more with people’s eyes.

Overall, showing up is about intimacy.  Intimacy allows others to see me, allows myself to be vulnerable where people get to connect with me more as I do not defend myself.  What would I be defending myself from?  In my mind the defense is from an unseen form of attack by judgments, rejection, not being liked, or a threat to identity – the sense of who I am.  Identity is referred to as ego in some wisdom traditions and psychological models of our psyche.  And in Tango, there is much to fear.

In Tango I have witnessed more gossip, mean-spiritedness, immaturity, ego identification and defense, rejection, judgment and exclusivity than any other place I have experienced.  The milonga can be emotionally brutal, and many Tango Meltdowns have violently grabbed me.  I have observed the worst of high school behavior in milongas.  Some of my biggest fears have been realized through people who truly are neurotic, maladjusted and narcissistic.  The countless examples I could detail just underline how milonga halls become a strong mirror – bringing to light our psyches and our lurking fears, joys, losses, and rages.  And some wonder why so many leave Tango?

Aum (OM) is the sound of the infinite. ... Aum is said to be the essence of all mantras, the highest of all matras or divine word (shabda), brahman (ultimate reality) itself. Aum is said to be the essence of the Vedas. (Definition & Pic - Wikipedia)

So, here I am living my life in the context of Tango, in sadness, frustration, excitement, longing, loneliness, emotional fire, dreaming, wondering.  I feel my aliveness straining to burst through: hardened layers of distrust; years of rejection and disappointment; and memories of too many body injuries, pain and deformations.  And I feel my aliveness straining to join: the river of achievements, celebrations and dreams; the well of wisdom of life experiences and mentors; and the warmth and caring of so many friends.

How do I deal with my fear of showing up, of being more intimate?  How do I open up even more to every partner I dance with, the world of Tango and life?  I believe my answer lies in a mantra I once received.

One of my first and revered mentors, Ed, facilitated a deep transformational process in a group weekend of “Self Acceptance Training”.  His mentor and my friend is now on his deathbed as I write this.  The mantra Ed spoke to me:  I choose not to fight for I have already won…

Dave Donatiu at Denver Labor Day Tango Festival 2009 - Photo by Paul Akmajian

I sit here on Friday early afternoon before the “welcoming milonga” feeling into my state of being as to how I am showing up right now.  What am I feeling?  Where is my attention?  What are my intentions?

I remind myself that right before the last Denver Tango Festival at Memorial Day, Ulysses proposed doing two things – be kind and confident to myself and others.  This proposal opened the doorway to realizing that my incessant inkling of a profound deeper truth existing in Tango, actually exists - The Tango Matrix.  My journey in three months time has wrenched my heart and soul into insights and awarenesses that leave me confronted with a salient bottom line certainty- I get to choose how I show up in the world, yet often I do not.

I believe my choice of showing up originated from as early as I became a sentient being, whenever that was.  Obviously, several levels of showing up can be found.  Yet here I am, aware that I usually do not consciously show up, and certainly do not choose with gusto most of the time.   However, I could enter the milonga hall in 2 hours with an indifference, an unconscious way of being, and still dance, connect, talk, laugh, smile, and be.

But what SCREAMS AT ME are the consequences of being indifferent after experiencing the astonishing power of Magic through the Tango Matrix.  I can continue to feel as I do now- sleepy, somewhat numb, reserved and lightly held back, a little sad and lonely, all because I am not fully showing up.

Many of you who know me would probably say, and do tell me, that you see me as happy, joyful in dancing, smiling a lot, playful and energetic.  I am.  Yet I am also keenly aware of greater levels of showing up – a deeper truth in showing up.  The MAGIC of The Tango Matrix clearly and distinctly offers a vast level of presence, composure, empathy, connection and joy.

What is available within the world of Magic is wonderous, immense, bold, joyous and supremely fulfilling.  How I access this world is through intention, consciousness and humility, dropping into my presence, heart, body, and allowing the wonderment of each individual I connect with to radiate and fill me.  This is a stronger way of showing up, bringing myself to the party/ milonga.

Reflecting on showing up brings to mind the words: intimacy- allowing others to see me by feeling my emotions and breath; presence- feeling my body, breathing into my own lungs, owning my space; awareness- aware of my environment, and intentionally breathing into the presence of others; and connection- opening unconditionally to my partner’s state of being.

SHOWING UP directly impacts the quality of my experience in Tango, on and off the floor in the milonga.  And just as important is that the quality of the dance and my partner’s experience is immensely impacted by how I show up.

In an e-mail, Ulysses weighed in on showing up and Tango:

“Dave, showing up IS Tango, as well as our expression of life.  How we show up IS connection and our tanda on the dance floor: our body’s movement and breath, our partner’s movement and breath, the Tango music and its breath, and the movement and breath of every other couple on the dance floor.  To not show up is to not know Tango.”

Baltimore's Inner Harbor

Now and then a Tango festival offers more insights off the dance floor than on.  Baltimore’s Tango Elements Festival held more outside its milonga halls, continuing my journey with the Tango Matrix through the conjuring of memories.

My festival started in the Baltimore airport as I reminisced with my father over the phone about our past trips to Lexington Market and the Inner Harbor when I lived 45 min. from Baltimore as a kid from age 5-10.  I looked forward to seeing downtown Baltimore during my Super Shuttle ride over to the Tremont Plaza Hotel.  However, after observing the area around Lexington market run down, and viewing the fact that a huge section of an aisle of the market was selling TP, I knew lot had changed and I would not be walking in that area.

On Friday I left on an excursion to the Inner Harbor- quite a touristy area.  I remembered my father taking me to Fort McHenry for lunch, here at the Inner Harbor.  I do not have many good memories of my childhood, so the ones I remembered on Friday were precious.

Other memories that the Inner Harbor called to mind were during my employment as a national trek leader where I drove 4,000 miles every 3 weeks in a 15 passenger van with 13 international customers age 25-35, visiting National parks, forests, city life, night life, attractions and adventures.  I once brought my tourists to Baltimore’s Inner Harbor.  This conjured a time filled with several rich and intense adventures, and reminded me how I used to explore so much more.  My desire climbed to want to explore the world further through Tango.

And a funny thing happened – I ran into a tanguera, Alice (pseudonym), and asked her if she would like my company.  We went off an a mini-adventure which led us first to the American Visionary Art Museum.  Though Alice chose this destination, I willingly went along with an adventurous spirit.  Wow!  If I would have known what I was to stumble upon, I would have visited the museum the day I arrived!  Here is an excerpt that explained their current exhibit of “The Marriage of Art, Science and Philosophy.”:

This exhibition’s 100+ visionary artists/ scientists/ inventors and philosophers take a fresh look at the very notion of flight, color, sound, pattern, number, scale, and purpose in their personal pursuit of wonder.  Along its way, we honor our human need to make sense of all the big questions of existence – an historic and mighty itch, aching to get scratched.  In physics, we call it, “the hunt for a unified theory of everything,” and in religion and myth, is what fuels accounts of creation and Divine intention.  This human longing to know the unknowable is what led French visionary artist Louis Souter, to declare, “If the impossible exists, I’m on its track!”

Once again synchronicity with its magic imbibed my Soul as it pulled me to this unique destination with Alice.  I reveled and contemplated the words, sights and sounds of these visionaries as I felt Divine presence and inspiration.  A summation of all that I had thought before as well as what my present path held with the magic of what lay beyond the Tango Matrix shone as I walked among the works.  Representing and/or residing within the walls of this museum were Tantra, Buddhism, Quantum Physics, String Theory, drawings, “Singing, You Dance on My Eardrum” exploration-of-sound, Einstein, Arthur C. Clark, Carl Sagan, sculptures, quilts, photos, crop circles, quotes of notable philosophers, and so much more.

Alice and I enjoyed discovering so many facets of the exhibit, and at one point we danced Tango to a particular exhibit’s music – “Fever” as sung by Peggy Lee.  For a quarter of a century I have held an underlying view and interest of the majesty of science, imagination and exploration.  This special exhibit exhilarated me, and supplied me with a knowing of being well aligned on my journey.

All in all the museum brought up the many years that I delved into the possibilities of technology, spirituality and science, and the promise of massive evolution of our species.  This museum experience summoned my appreciation for science and the pursuit of wonder, furthering my passion to explore more of the world of magic.

After the museum, our hunger led us to a Spanish Tapas restaurant where we went for an all-you-can-eat tapas special.  Our conversation took many turns.  Of particular interest to Alice- I shared my belief and synthesis of what underlies healing, growth and transformation – that we are Divine beings covering up our magnificence.  All we have to do is to drop into acceptance or our Selves by uncovering our layers of resistance.  I shared how I think way too many personal growth programs and technologies only offer another layer of resistance by programming a way to deal with a problem, instead of dealing with the layer of resistance.  In effect, the programming becomes another layer of resistance.

My sharing evoked the memory of 13 years as a professional body-centered psychotherapist and facilitating and witnessing so many healings and people making their lives better.  I gave this up shortly before Tango caught me.  However, the conversation materialized a new inclination to once again assist people in bettering their lives – probably through uncovering their own passion, purpose and calling.

After returning to the hotel from a long afternoon of adventure and conjuring of memories, I laid down to nap before the milonga, feeling more wonder and magic waiting for me to explore.

And I did find some in the milonga halls and with friends…

A World of Magic as I envision it captured in an artistic rendering of the Aurora Borealis -by Frederic Edwin Church

I reached a pinnacle of negativity after experiencing and witnessing many repelling behaviors at the Stone Soup Tango Festival in Eugene, OR at the start of May 2009.   In my frustration I called out for help.  Friends & foes answered and tried to explain.  However, one man appeared that offered more than just explanation.  Ulysses (pseudonym), an enigmatic man of Tango and life wisdom, has guided and continues to guide me through Argentine Tango and my life path.

This entry is a recap and retrospective before taking the red pill of my personal illuminating and penetrating journey into what I now call- A WORLD OF MAGIC – the IMMENSE and BOUNDLESS energetic interaction of life.

Part 1- Red Pill?

In my frustration over many negative experiences in Tango, I shared with Ulyssess how I sensed a hidden stream of information that could fully account for what I had witnessed, experienced and heard in Tango as well as explain several experiences in my personal life.  Then Ulysses threatened and unraveled my Tango world by presenting me with the choice of a red pill or blue pill – inferring that a Tango Matrix existed.

At this point I did not believe a Tango Matrix existed.  However, Ulysses had become my Morpheus of the Tango Matrix.

Part 2- Deeper Truth

I questioned if a Tango Matrix existed, and if so, did I want to swallow the red or blue pill.   Ulysses led me to believe that knowing more of what really goes on in Tango offers fierce realizations that could eliminate a large portion of joy from Tango.  Historically, I have gone for deeper truth in several areas of life.  I explain what deeper truth is, and I asked Ulysses to help me get a glimpse of the benefits of finding deeper truth in Tango through taking the red pill.  He proposed:  “At your upcoming festival do these two things, and open your eyes to what you see.”

These two behaviors were to simply be kind and confident, with both myself and others.

Denver Tango Festival Day 1- Community Day 2-4- Floating

I shared some of my experiences during the Denver Tango Festival.

I did the two things Ulysses proposed, and saw with a good measure of disbelief, how big of a difference the two behaviors made.  I had had the best festival experience up to that point, and I fathomed the Tango Matrix could be real.

Part 3- Neo’s Incessant Inkling

Ulysses gave further credence to the existence of the Tango Matrix.  I believed that swallowing the red pill would thrust upon me a radically different way of believing, acting, being and envisioning in my life.  In a longer communication with Ulysses, he detailed what it would take to swallow the red pill.  The last two items he detailed were by far the hardest to do:

1. you must have absolute faith (different than religion) as it is the power of personal creation
2. you must absolutely trust that life energy/ Universe is not neutral, but conspires to assist and compel you to be better at ALL times

I am still coming to grips with these last two items as they have become integral in getting to know the world of MAGIC

Part 4- Cubic Centimeter of Chance

I realized a cubic centimeter of chance would soon come my way – a reference to Don Juan’s wisdom in a Carlos Castenada’s book.  In my words a cubic centimeter of chance is:  a portal to vast life change that opens but for a short time, and once you step through this portal, your life immediately executes a profoundly different beneficial trajectory.

In looking back, my cubic centimeter of chance presented itself with Katherine and her call to me for an umbrella Tango dance, and my choice to join her or not!

Part 5- Blue Pill

For years a phenomena in Tango has yanked me to disturbing confirmations, time and again.  I refer to this phenomena of when Tango enthusiasts grow dissatisfied with Tango and eventually quit.  I wonder how often how one deals with their dissatisfactions in Tango is akin to dealing with their dissatisfactions in life?  How often is giving up on Tango similar to taking the blue pill?

The blue pill repelled me, so I looked for a way in (take the red pill).  In getting a closer look of what the blue pill offered, I finally believed the Tango Matrix had existed all along.

“Deeper Truth” of Argentine Language and Tango Illusions

I looked at a bit of satire to get a deeper understanding of how Argentine culture influences Tango.  Within this satire is deeper truth sprinkled throughout.  I also recalled my own observations of what appeared real but was not.

I sought to apprehend benefits in taking the red pill.  I deciphered benefits as I understood reasons underlying behaviors in Milongas and Festivals concerning: cabaceo; snobbery; pecking order; value assigned to leads and follows; selection criteria for choosing teachers; masculine and feminine roles and how they relate to lead and follow roles.  As I became quite repelled in the face of certain behaviors, I decided I would swallow the red pill during my 2 1/2 week trip in my RV to two festivals- Salt Lake City Tango Festival and SFTX (San Francisco Tango Exchange).

Salt Lake City Tango Festival Day 1- Tango Crucible

Within 2 minutes of stepping onto the dance floor of the first milonga of Salt Lake City’s Tango Festival, I found myself in a Tango crucible, incredulous at the speed of entrance.  I intended to go deeper in action with Ulysses’ sage words by being confident and kind to myself, but instead dropped into the pit of my abdomen with a wrenching knotted-up ball of emotions – Tango meltdown!

I knew what I had to do to swallow the red pill and tried, but could not that first night of the festival.  It seemed as if the Universe tested and taunted me – saying I could not have the red pill.  However, the turning point of this journey took place on a lazy rainy Sunday afternoon at Sugar House Park in Salt Lake City with my first Umbrella Tango, and a cubic centimeter of chance…

Csilla & Dave at the Alternative Milonga in Seattle - photo by Natalia Nk Kalita

Seattle’s Tango Magic was my 29th Tango festival, and stole my heart as my favorite venue and best festival experience to date.  Magic certainly orchestrated opportunities and experiences unique to my Tango life, starting with my first houseboat adventure through dancing 3 hours at the Seattle airport on my return trip to Boulder.

My festival started with a pre-milonga Tango party on a houseboat floating on Lake Union, complete with Salmon, very strong piña coladas, several beautiful women with sexy legs, great company and conversation, friends and a lingering sunset.  The magic started here.

Before I walked onto the houseboat, something about how I was experiencing life- the moment and people had already made itself known through unplugging from the Tango Matrix.  For those of you that have not followed my Tango Matrix series – Ulysses, an enigmatic man of Tango and life wisdom, had recently left me with these words, “Breathe more between the beats.  Follow your desire.  Allow your calling to call. You will collide with treasures waiting for you at one of your next turns…”

On thursday July 23rd, I collided with the awaiting treasures.  It has taken me the days since to fully appreciate and take in the consequences of what I collided with.  As I surrendered to living between the beats of life, my sense of Self, power, connection, calling, purpose, and life direction filled much of my attention as a state of being with knowing.  Several people around me have asked what is different.  No, it is not my hair.

The significance of unplugging from the Tango Matrix revealed more on the houseboat.  To my surprise, I became acutely aware of when, how and where men and women directed their attention, energy, emotion and physicality to each other.  And to my delight I also noticed the energy several women gave to me.  Some call this vibing another.  This attention astonished me, and the greatest amazement turned up in how aware I was of the subtleties others directed energy in this way and that.  I radiated a joy I have not had in awhile.

I relate all of this to make an important point – I had opened myself to receiving magic that I believe is always available to all.  What is magic?  In my view magic is simply the IMMENSE and BOUNDLESS energetic interaction of life.  However, I have found few people open to what is readily apparent.  I am not talking about some woo-woo nebulous thing.  I have a knowing of what I experienced, a knowing which is vastly different than a belief.  I know that as I opened up to magic, an entire world of interaction between people lit up.

Before I opened to magic, peoples’ interaction shone dimly, but on the house boat individuals’ attention, energy, interaction, non-verbal languaging, physical posturing and emotional states shined brightly!  I smiled a lot, and would have enjoyed letting someone in on what I was experiencing, particularly Natalia.  However, I had entered into a very blissful and playful state, so I allowed myself to luxuriate in the magic.

Onto China Harbor I did go.  I was giddy with joy.  Did I mention the strong piña coladas?  Well, I am a lightweight when it comes to alcohol, and I obviously underestimated the strength of what Lily concocted.  I danced with more tipsiness by far than ever before.  Even though it was fun, I had to focus much more than I wanted on my axis and surroundings to dance.  And the rum also clouded some of the brilliance of magic I continued to experience.  Luckily a couple hours later the rum wore off.  However, the brilliance of the magic did not.

The magic had already caught and entranced me.  However, as the festival unfolded, so did my magical experiences…

Since I returned from SFTX (San Francisco Tango Exchange) where I became unplugged from the Tango Matrix, my experience of Tango has altered.  I can sum up my experiences as “living between the Tango beats.”  Years ago I became aware of how much exists between the beats in Tango music.  Now I sense that I just entered the space between the beats of Life.  Here is some of what has altered.

Tango Transformation is Life Transformation

I used to dance mostly two Tandas with a woman, now usually one.  I have chosen to dance with women that I have not danced with in a long time.  I do not enjoy some woman as much as I used to.  I am more conscious of the unconscious behaviors of people working to get dances, relate, learn and love.  I love Tango music even more.  I am more aware as an observer of my own dancing.  I do not compromise my posture and balance for any woman anymore.

I do not enjoy some things I used to enjoy in my Tango vocabulary or musicality choices.  I am much less interested in dancing, yet am dancing more.  I am dancing with more less skilled dancers, and aware how some of the skilled dancers just don’t interest me as much for they don’t follow as I thought.  I have noticed how many follows are not truly following, but just recognizing patterns and performing them.  However, the less skilled follows actually follow more for they do not know what to expect so they are listening.

And as in Tango, as in Life – as I have become unplugged, I am exploring how I want to make my way in the world.  My view has been altered, and therefore I need to walk a different path.  Here is a story that exemplifies some of my more common experiences these days.

On my way down to Denver on last Tuesday, I called a friend to say hi.  He asked me where I was, and upon telling him I was 30 minutes from a destination in Lakewood, he replied that he was a quarter mile away from my destination, waiting for people to join him for lunch.  He invited me to join him.  I happened to be on my way to a business appointment, but decided to be 45 minutes early to work on Tango DJ’ing.  So I conveniently had the extra time and joined him.

What wonderful timing – synchronicity at work.  This man happens to be finishing a book, which imparts life wisdom and great how-to’s on safety from a collection of stories during his important work in government agencies – VERY important work.  Because of his work, we are all safer when we fly in airplanes.  I admire this friend in no small way.  Not only is he brilliant, artistic, creative, funny and a good man, he MAKES A DIFFERENCE in peoples’ lives.

I used to want to make a big difference.  I volunteered a good amount of time in noble pursuits such as initiating men into manhood through the Mankind Project, or staffing for LGAT’s (large group awareness trainings) such as Landmark Education Corp. or fun pursuits such as leading trips for a large ski club in Madison, Wisconsin – Hoofers.

I guess I made a difference here and there.  As a therapist I know I made a difference.  However, I let my clients go for most of them did not do their homework.  They really did not take action to make their lives better, but just wanted me to make things better for them.  Why did I bother?  5-10% of my clients actually did their homework.  Perhaps everything I did was just for the 5-10%.

Why am I even writing on this subject of making a difference?  In the Tango Matrix I am staring at foundational beliefs of how I think the Universe works.  I call this an ontological cosmology.  So I am experiencing a clash of cosmologies where I have a choice of different cosmologies, but the choice I want to make is radical.  Really radical.  I will make different life choices depending on the cosmology I choose.

Ulysses left me with these words, “Breath more between the beats.  Follow your desire.  Allow your calling to call. You will collide with treasures waiting for you at one of your next turns…”