This is my first day living in Seattle, 8 months after I snapped out of a 4 ½ year Tango Trance through my exploration of how I have not been fully authentic in Tango nor life by dancing and living as an apology.  During my last night living in Boulder, CO, I watched The Way of the Peaceful Warrior for a third time.  This movie acted as a salve for personal painful events over the past 8 months, as the movie prompted me to reflect on how my choices over these past months are my life course corrections to dance and live more authentically.

Dan Millman, the main character of The Way of the Peaceful Warrior, takes a journey into winning a National gymnastics title which guides him in meeting a spiritual master/ warrior, Socrates.  Socrates teaches Dan a way to excel in gymnastics through becoming a better person- physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually- living more authentically.  I liken my own Tango/ life guide, Ulyssess, as my Socrates.  Over two years ago, Ulyssess offered me the red pill of the TANGO MATRIX, which eventually snapped out of my Tango trance, and prompted me over the past 8 months to make the following choices:

• Gave up my RV
• Moved to Seattle with the intention of setting down roots
• Gave up a lifestyle of intensive traveling to build community in Seattle
• Revamped and aligned my life-skill offerings as a psychotherapist, life-coach, author and presenter which I detail on my new website- WakeUpYourLife.com
• Reconnected with a 25 year intention of offering E.S.P. Journeys and crafted a path create and produce these journeys, starting in Seattle
• Made physical and financial health a priority
• Gone back to the Martial Arts I did in my late teens
• Taken on the study of social dynamics so evident in the world of Argentine Tango and life

Even though I have not danced a lot of Tango, all of these choices support dancing Tango and living more authentically, better and with greater joy.  I am thankful for all who have helped me on my journey over the past 8 months!  And I am thankful to have arrived in Seattle.

What if the opposite is the deeper truth -- "I am NOT OK, and you are NOT OK, but that is OK?"

As I set my sights on residing in MAGIC on Sunday, I sat in shadow and succumbed to a suppression of my spirit.  The Tango Matrix revealed one of its rules, illuminating how I have approached women for the first time in Tango, as well as potential intimate relationships, both with seemingly awesome women.

I got that I have held layers of beliefs that has had me thinking that “I am NOT OK, and that it is NOT OK that I am NOT OK.”  Many in the Psychology field refer to this as negative self-talk, self-esteem issues, or a negative view of ourselves.  However NOT OK is languaged, what remains is an issue that many struggle with in Tango and life – self-confidence.

Self Confidence as defined by Wikipedia:

Self-confidence does not necessarily imply ‘self-belief’ or a belief in one’s ability to succeed. For instance, one may be inept at a particular sport or activity, but remain ‘confident‘ in one‘s demeanor, simply because one does not place a great deal of emphasis on the outcome of the activity. The key element to self-confidence is, therefore, an acceptance of the myriad consequences of a particular situation, be they good or bad. When one does not dwell on negative consequences one can be more ‘self-confident‘ because one is worrying far less about failure or (more accurately) the disapproval of others following potential failure. One is then more likely to focus on the actual situation which means that enjoyment and success in that situation is also more probable.  If there is any ‘self-belief’ component it is simply a belief in one’s ability to tolerate whatever outcome may arise; a certainty that one will cope irrespective of what happens.

Could it be true that pretty much we all believe on some level that we are NOT OK - even the high level dancers that can get a dance with most anyone.  Furthermore, most likely many believe, “I am NOT OK, but you ARE OK” or an 80′s pop-psych affirmation, “I am OK, and you are OK.”  However, a deeper truth hidden within the Tango Matrix is, “I am NOT OK, and you are NOT OK – but that is OK.”

Well, I say, so let’s get on with having fun living. If this deeper truth exists, then it is quite ironic that we suppress our life and spirit by not taking risks because we falsely believe others are OK, but really they are NOT OK.  Therefore, if we know that everybody is in the same boat (NOT OK), and that everybody has similar insecurities, limiting beliefs and cares about being accepted, then it seems easy to make all this NOT OK stuff, OK.  In believing that everybody is NOT OK, can’t we risk a lot more and be freer with our actions?

How this belief of “I am NOT OK” has personally played out at milongas is when I have not asked a particular woman to dance, for I believe I can not give her a good dance.  I realize I care a lot whether she has a mediocre dance or even a bad dance.  Let’s say I don’t give her a good dance.  What is the worst that can happen?  She could say thank you in the middle of the first song, with an obvious non-verbal display of disgust.  Well, that hurts.  Why does it hurt?  Honestly, I seem to care if I gave her a bad dance and judge myself as NOT OK if she had a bad dance.  That seems horrible.  I cringe at this.  Why?

In amusement, I realize I am taking responsibility for her experience.  I remember how so many times I told clients that they can never make someone feel anything.  What a person feels is generated within their own head, nervous system and body.  None of us give someone anger or sadness or fear or happiness.  We might be a stimulus, but their response is of their own generation.

I am hallucinating that I create “a bad dance experience” within a woman.  I know from my own experiences that if I dance with a beginner or an intermediate dancer, I care little of their technique (unless they are hanging on me, which is painful to some degree).  I just want to connect with a tanguera and express what I sense in the music as I move with them.  I rarely have bad dances – the bad dances (what I perceive as a bad dance) is when a woman uses me to balance herself or she does not attempt to connect with me.

I have observed people that almost always have good dances are not as concerned about the outcome, but are present to themselves and their partner.  And these present dancers tend to be good people, kind to many and heartfelt.  I have also noticed another type of dancer that attempts to dance with only the best dancers, displays snobbish behavior and is rude to many.  They tend to have a hard time connecting, have quite a few insecurities, posture to gain status and care so much in how they appear to others.

So what happens when I don’t take responsibility of someone else’s experience such as a mediocre or bad dance?  What if I let each woman just choose and create her experience and do my best to connect?  What if we all believed that “I am not OK, and you are not OK – but that is OK” and got on with dancing and living?

What if?

In synchronicity I am gazing upon neon art in a café that states:  after you were born, before you die, if not now, when? Not only does this quote in neon affirm my desire to live fully, it offers irony in relation to living as a declaration vs. an inquiry.

A few nights ago in talking to a new-found tango friend, she related how a good friend of hers is all about inquiring in life.  I reflected upon living as an inquiry and how I shared in my last blog entry living as a declaration.  I still inquire some, yet I have lived the last 27 days as much more a declaration of just being.

Declaring is a choice, and viewing the world through the filter of one’s choice.  An example of what living through filter is of a man I know that seems to live through a filter of scientific method, cynicism and resignation.  These are not necessarily consciously chosen filters.  However, many of the choices I have seen him make show these filters.

I am aware that the filters (beliefs) I hold, whether I consciously chose them or not, influence my choices and views to a greater degree than I will probably ever be aware.  Now I arrive at the possibility of choosing a theme of filters I call magic.  I have inquired in my life about making this choice since I was 17.  I have flirted with this choice often, yet I have not chosen out of fear of possible consequences of living through a filter of magic.

Yet this neon art quote, after you were born, before you die, if not now, when, arouses my desire to stop waiting to live in magic.  Living in magic (choosing the filter of magic) is about acknowledging magic: the IMMENSE and BOUNDLESS energetic interaction of life. How would I acknowledge magic?  Look for it, notice it, appreciate it, breathe it in, watch for it, wait for it, luxuriate in it, feel it, allow it to infuse my awareness and being, believe in it, smile at it, and trust that magic can be my guide.

Bottom line:  live life as a declaration that magic not only exists, but I show up in magic as magic, not some void of meaningless existence.  I could choose the belief that life is meaningless and it is meaningless that life is meaningless.  One organization I participated in promotes this belief as the ontological cosmology, or basis of all of their technologies.  I saw the consequences of choosing this belief.  Not what I would choose.

And when it comes to Tango, every milonga affords me the opportunity to witness magic up close.  Tango can be a fishbowl of magic.  Choosing to witness magic sure beats choosing to witness behavior akin to high school, immature, rigid and un-evolved.  Why the hell have I chosen to look through the filter of high school behavior?  Why would anyone?

Ulysses:  Dave, your declaration of magic terminates your question of showing up.  And don’t ponder these words, just reside in magic.  Commit to this choice, and you can bend the rules  of the Tango matrix…

Dave Donatiu at Denver Labor Day Tango Festival 2009 - Photo by Paul Akmajian

I sit here on Friday early afternoon before the “welcoming milonga” feeling into my state of being as to how I am showing up right now.  What am I feeling?  Where is my attention?  What are my intentions?

I remind myself that right before the last Denver Tango Festival at Memorial Day, Ulysses proposed doing two things – be kind and confident to myself and others.  This proposal opened the doorway to realizing that my incessant inkling of a profound deeper truth existing in Tango, actually exists - The Tango Matrix.  My journey in three months time has wrenched my heart and soul into insights and awarenesses that leave me confronted with a salient bottom line certainty- I get to choose how I show up in the world, yet often I do not.

I believe my choice of showing up originated from as early as I became a sentient being, whenever that was.  Obviously, several levels of showing up can be found.  Yet here I am, aware that I usually do not consciously show up, and certainly do not choose with gusto most of the time.   However, I could enter the milonga hall in 2 hours with an indifference, an unconscious way of being, and still dance, connect, talk, laugh, smile, and be.

But what SCREAMS AT ME are the consequences of being indifferent after experiencing the astonishing power of Magic through the Tango Matrix.  I can continue to feel as I do now- sleepy, somewhat numb, reserved and lightly held back, a little sad and lonely, all because I am not fully showing up.

Many of you who know me would probably say, and do tell me, that you see me as happy, joyful in dancing, smiling a lot, playful and energetic.  I am.  Yet I am also keenly aware of greater levels of showing up – a deeper truth in showing up.  The MAGIC of The Tango Matrix clearly and distinctly offers a vast level of presence, composure, empathy, connection and joy.

What is available within the world of Magic is wonderous, immense, bold, joyous and supremely fulfilling.  How I access this world is through intention, consciousness and humility, dropping into my presence, heart, body, and allowing the wonderment of each individual I connect with to radiate and fill me.  This is a stronger way of showing up, bringing myself to the party/ milonga.

Reflecting on showing up brings to mind the words: intimacy- allowing others to see me by feeling my emotions and breath; presence- feeling my body, breathing into my own lungs, owning my space; awareness- aware of my environment, and intentionally breathing into the presence of others; and connection- opening unconditionally to my partner’s state of being.

SHOWING UP directly impacts the quality of my experience in Tango, on and off the floor in the milonga.  And just as important is that the quality of the dance and my partner’s experience is immensely impacted by how I show up.

In an e-mail, Ulysses weighed in on showing up and Tango:

“Dave, showing up IS Tango, as well as our expression of life.  How we show up IS connection and our tanda on the dance floor: our body’s movement and breath, our partner’s movement and breath, the Tango music and its breath, and the movement and breath of every other couple on the dance floor.  To not show up is to not know Tango.”

Baltimore's Inner Harbor

Now and then a Tango festival offers more insights off the dance floor than on.  Baltimore’s Tango Elements Festival held more outside its milonga halls, continuing my journey with the Tango Matrix through the conjuring of memories.

My festival started in the Baltimore airport as I reminisced with my father over the phone about our past trips to Lexington Market and the Inner Harbor when I lived 45 min. from Baltimore as a kid from age 5-10.  I looked forward to seeing downtown Baltimore during my Super Shuttle ride over to the Tremont Plaza Hotel.  However, after observing the area around Lexington market run down, and viewing the fact that a huge section of an aisle of the market was selling TP, I knew lot had changed and I would not be walking in that area.

On Friday I left on an excursion to the Inner Harbor- quite a touristy area.  I remembered my father taking me to Fort McHenry for lunch, here at the Inner Harbor.  I do not have many good memories of my childhood, so the ones I remembered on Friday were precious.

Other memories that the Inner Harbor called to mind were during my employment as a national trek leader where I drove 4,000 miles every 3 weeks in a 15 passenger van with 13 international customers age 25-35, visiting National parks, forests, city life, night life, attractions and adventures.  I once brought my tourists to Baltimore’s Inner Harbor.  This conjured a time filled with several rich and intense adventures, and reminded me how I used to explore so much more.  My desire climbed to want to explore the world further through Tango.

And a funny thing happened – I ran into a tanguera, Alice (pseudonym), and asked her if she would like my company.  We went off an a mini-adventure which led us first to the American Visionary Art Museum.  Though Alice chose this destination, I willingly went along with an adventurous spirit.  Wow!  If I would have known what I was to stumble upon, I would have visited the museum the day I arrived!  Here is an excerpt that explained their current exhibit of “The Marriage of Art, Science and Philosophy.”:

This exhibition’s 100+ visionary artists/ scientists/ inventors and philosophers take a fresh look at the very notion of flight, color, sound, pattern, number, scale, and purpose in their personal pursuit of wonder.  Along its way, we honor our human need to make sense of all the big questions of existence – an historic and mighty itch, aching to get scratched.  In physics, we call it, “the hunt for a unified theory of everything,” and in religion and myth, is what fuels accounts of creation and Divine intention.  This human longing to know the unknowable is what led French visionary artist Louis Souter, to declare, “If the impossible exists, I’m on its track!”

Once again synchronicity with its magic imbibed my Soul as it pulled me to this unique destination with Alice.  I reveled and contemplated the words, sights and sounds of these visionaries as I felt Divine presence and inspiration.  A summation of all that I had thought before as well as what my present path held with the magic of what lay beyond the Tango Matrix shone as I walked among the works.  Representing and/or residing within the walls of this museum were Tantra, Buddhism, Quantum Physics, String Theory, drawings, “Singing, You Dance on My Eardrum” exploration-of-sound, Einstein, Arthur C. Clark, Carl Sagan, sculptures, quilts, photos, crop circles, quotes of notable philosophers, and so much more.

Alice and I enjoyed discovering so many facets of the exhibit, and at one point we danced Tango to a particular exhibit’s music – “Fever” as sung by Peggy Lee.  For a quarter of a century I have held an underlying view and interest of the majesty of science, imagination and exploration.  This special exhibit exhilarated me, and supplied me with a knowing of being well aligned on my journey.

All in all the museum brought up the many years that I delved into the possibilities of technology, spirituality and science, and the promise of massive evolution of our species.  This museum experience summoned my appreciation for science and the pursuit of wonder, furthering my passion to explore more of the world of magic.

After the museum, our hunger led us to a Spanish Tapas restaurant where we went for an all-you-can-eat tapas special.  Our conversation took many turns.  Of particular interest to Alice- I shared my belief and synthesis of what underlies healing, growth and transformation – that we are Divine beings covering up our magnificence.  All we have to do is to drop into acceptance or our Selves by uncovering our layers of resistance.  I shared how I think way too many personal growth programs and technologies only offer another layer of resistance by programming a way to deal with a problem, instead of dealing with the layer of resistance.  In effect, the programming becomes another layer of resistance.

My sharing evoked the memory of 13 years as a professional body-centered psychotherapist and facilitating and witnessing so many healings and people making their lives better.  I gave this up shortly before Tango caught me.  However, the conversation materialized a new inclination to once again assist people in bettering their lives – probably through uncovering their own passion, purpose and calling.

After returning to the hotel from a long afternoon of adventure and conjuring of memories, I laid down to nap before the milonga, feeling more wonder and magic waiting for me to explore.

And I did find some in the milonga halls and with friends…

A World of Magic as I envision it captured in an artistic rendering of the Aurora Borealis -by Frederic Edwin Church

I reached a pinnacle of negativity after experiencing and witnessing many repelling behaviors at the Stone Soup Tango Festival in Eugene, OR at the start of May 2009.   In my frustration I called out for help.  Friends & foes answered and tried to explain.  However, one man appeared that offered more than just explanation.  Ulysses (pseudonym), an enigmatic man of Tango and life wisdom, has guided and continues to guide me through Argentine Tango and my life path.

This entry is a recap and retrospective before taking the red pill of my personal illuminating and penetrating journey into what I now call- A WORLD OF MAGIC – the IMMENSE and BOUNDLESS energetic interaction of life.

Part 1- Red Pill?

In my frustration over many negative experiences in Tango, I shared with Ulyssess how I sensed a hidden stream of information that could fully account for what I had witnessed, experienced and heard in Tango as well as explain several experiences in my personal life.  Then Ulysses threatened and unraveled my Tango world by presenting me with the choice of a red pill or blue pill – inferring that a Tango Matrix existed.

At this point I did not believe a Tango Matrix existed.  However, Ulysses had become my Morpheus of the Tango Matrix.

Part 2- Deeper Truth

I questioned if a Tango Matrix existed, and if so, did I want to swallow the red or blue pill.   Ulysses led me to believe that knowing more of what really goes on in Tango offers fierce realizations that could eliminate a large portion of joy from Tango.  Historically, I have gone for deeper truth in several areas of life.  I explain what deeper truth is, and I asked Ulysses to help me get a glimpse of the benefits of finding deeper truth in Tango through taking the red pill.  He proposed:  “At your upcoming festival do these two things, and open your eyes to what you see.”

These two behaviors were to simply be kind and confident, with both myself and others.

Denver Tango Festival Day 1- Community Day 2-4- Floating

I shared some of my experiences during the Denver Tango Festival.

I did the two things Ulysses proposed, and saw with a good measure of disbelief, how big of a difference the two behaviors made.  I had had the best festival experience up to that point, and I fathomed the Tango Matrix could be real.

Part 3- Neo’s Incessant Inkling

Ulysses gave further credence to the existence of the Tango Matrix.  I believed that swallowing the red pill would thrust upon me a radically different way of believing, acting, being and envisioning in my life.  In a longer communication with Ulysses, he detailed what it would take to swallow the red pill.  The last two items he detailed were by far the hardest to do:

1. you must have absolute faith (different than religion) as it is the power of personal creation
2. you must absolutely trust that life energy/ Universe is not neutral, but conspires to assist and compel you to be better at ALL times

I am still coming to grips with these last two items as they have become integral in getting to know the world of MAGIC

Part 4- Cubic Centimeter of Chance

I realized a cubic centimeter of chance would soon come my way – a reference to Don Juan’s wisdom in a Carlos Castenada’s book.  In my words a cubic centimeter of chance is:  a portal to vast life change that opens but for a short time, and once you step through this portal, your life immediately executes a profoundly different beneficial trajectory.

In looking back, my cubic centimeter of chance presented itself with Katherine and her call to me for an umbrella Tango dance, and my choice to join her or not!

Part 5- Blue Pill

For years a phenomena in Tango has yanked me to disturbing confirmations, time and again.  I refer to this phenomena of when Tango enthusiasts grow dissatisfied with Tango and eventually quit.  I wonder how often how one deals with their dissatisfactions in Tango is akin to dealing with their dissatisfactions in life?  How often is giving up on Tango similar to taking the blue pill?

The blue pill repelled me, so I looked for a way in (take the red pill).  In getting a closer look of what the blue pill offered, I finally believed the Tango Matrix had existed all along.

“Deeper Truth” of Argentine Language and Tango Illusions

I looked at a bit of satire to get a deeper understanding of how Argentine culture influences Tango.  Within this satire is deeper truth sprinkled throughout.  I also recalled my own observations of what appeared real but was not.

I sought to apprehend benefits in taking the red pill.  I deciphered benefits as I understood reasons underlying behaviors in Milongas and Festivals concerning: cabaceo; snobbery; pecking order; value assigned to leads and follows; selection criteria for choosing teachers; masculine and feminine roles and how they relate to lead and follow roles.  As I became quite repelled in the face of certain behaviors, I decided I would swallow the red pill during my 2 1/2 week trip in my RV to two festivals- Salt Lake City Tango Festival and SFTX (San Francisco Tango Exchange).

Salt Lake City Tango Festival Day 1- Tango Crucible

Within 2 minutes of stepping onto the dance floor of the first milonga of Salt Lake City’s Tango Festival, I found myself in a Tango crucible, incredulous at the speed of entrance.  I intended to go deeper in action with Ulysses’ sage words by being confident and kind to myself, but instead dropped into the pit of my abdomen with a wrenching knotted-up ball of emotions – Tango meltdown!

I knew what I had to do to swallow the red pill and tried, but could not that first night of the festival.  It seemed as if the Universe tested and taunted me – saying I could not have the red pill.  However, the turning point of this journey took place on a lazy rainy Sunday afternoon at Sugar House Park in Salt Lake City with my first Umbrella Tango, and a cubic centimeter of chance…

Csilla & Dave at the Alternative Milonga in Seattle - photo by Natalia Nk Kalita

Seattle’s Tango Magic was my 29th Tango festival, and stole my heart as my favorite venue and best festival experience to date.  Magic certainly orchestrated opportunities and experiences unique to my Tango life, starting with my first houseboat adventure through dancing 3 hours at the Seattle airport on my return trip to Boulder.

My festival started with a pre-milonga Tango party on a houseboat floating on Lake Union, complete with Salmon, very strong piña coladas, several beautiful women with sexy legs, great company and conversation, friends and a lingering sunset.  The magic started here.

Before I walked onto the houseboat, something about how I was experiencing life- the moment and people had already made itself known through unplugging from the Tango Matrix.  For those of you that have not followed my Tango Matrix series – Ulysses, an enigmatic man of Tango and life wisdom, had recently left me with these words, “Breathe more between the beats.  Follow your desire.  Allow your calling to call. You will collide with treasures waiting for you at one of your next turns…”

On thursday July 23rd, I collided with the awaiting treasures.  It has taken me the days since to fully appreciate and take in the consequences of what I collided with.  As I surrendered to living between the beats of life, my sense of Self, power, connection, calling, purpose, and life direction filled much of my attention as a state of being with knowing.  Several people around me have asked what is different.  No, it is not my hair.

The significance of unplugging from the Tango Matrix revealed more on the houseboat.  To my surprise, I became acutely aware of when, how and where men and women directed their attention, energy, emotion and physicality to each other.  And to my delight I also noticed the energy several women gave to me.  Some call this vibing another.  This attention astonished me, and the greatest amazement turned up in how aware I was of the subtleties others directed energy in this way and that.  I radiated a joy I have not had in awhile.

I relate all of this to make an important point – I had opened myself to receiving magic that I believe is always available to all.  What is magic?  In my view magic is simply the IMMENSE and BOUNDLESS energetic interaction of life.  However, I have found few people open to what is readily apparent.  I am not talking about some woo-woo nebulous thing.  I have a knowing of what I experienced, a knowing which is vastly different than a belief.  I know that as I opened up to magic, an entire world of interaction between people lit up.

Before I opened to magic, peoples’ interaction shone dimly, but on the house boat individuals’ attention, energy, interaction, non-verbal languaging, physical posturing and emotional states shined brightly!  I smiled a lot, and would have enjoyed letting someone in on what I was experiencing, particularly Natalia.  However, I had entered into a very blissful and playful state, so I allowed myself to luxuriate in the magic.

Onto China Harbor I did go.  I was giddy with joy.  Did I mention the strong piña coladas?  Well, I am a lightweight when it comes to alcohol, and I obviously underestimated the strength of what Lily concocted.  I danced with more tipsiness by far than ever before.  Even though it was fun, I had to focus much more than I wanted on my axis and surroundings to dance.  And the rum also clouded some of the brilliance of magic I continued to experience.  Luckily a couple hours later the rum wore off.  However, the brilliance of the magic did not.

The magic had already caught and entranced me.  However, as the festival unfolded, so did my magical experiences…