“Tango demands intimacy whether we like it or not.  Tango obliges who we are to show up whether we want it to or not.  Tango compels us to know who we want to be whether we imagine it or not.” – Ulysses

Lisa & Dave at Cheesman Park 9/6/09 Photo by ?

I find this entry to be the hardest to write and communicate to date, for I have to share more of my psyche than I have before.   To be true to my process, I must provide a rawness and vulnerability I would prefer to keep to myself.  I fear the possibility that what I offer might be used against me in some way, or I will appear weak and less attractive to my peers, or that I will be judged as less of a man.  This fear probably comes from my father’s upbringing.

On Saturday morning of the Denver Labor Day Tango Festival 2009, I basked in a form of nirvana from so many tandas filled with joy, play, musical exploration, sweetness, connection and intimacy.  I found myself sharing often that I was in heaven, and sighed from many Tangasms.  How did I show up?  I only upped it by perhaps one level.  I could up it by 2 or 3 levels.

However, I believe that showing up more would entail greater stillness of my thoughts, breathing more intentionally, slowing down my walk outside of Tango, feeling my heart beat (this refers to Heart Math Institute and working with one’s own heart resonance), relaxing into my hip sockets in my Tango walk, and engaging more with people’s eyes.

Overall, showing up is about intimacy.  Intimacy allows others to see me, allows myself to be vulnerable where people get to connect with me more as I do not defend myself.  What would I be defending myself from?  In my mind the defense is from an unseen form of attack by judgments, rejection, not being liked, or a threat to identity – the sense of who I am.  Identity is referred to as ego in some wisdom traditions and psychological models of our psyche.  And in Tango, there is much to fear.

In Tango I have witnessed more gossip, mean-spiritedness, immaturity, ego identification and defense, rejection, judgment and exclusivity than any other place I have experienced.  The milonga can be emotionally brutal, and many Tango Meltdowns have violently grabbed me.  I have observed the worst of high school behavior in milongas.  Some of my biggest fears have been realized through people who truly are neurotic, maladjusted and narcissistic.  The countless examples I could detail just underline how milonga halls become a strong mirror – bringing to light our psyches and our lurking fears, joys, losses, and rages.  And some wonder why so many leave Tango?

Aum (OM) is the sound of the infinite. ... Aum is said to be the essence of all mantras, the highest of all matras or divine word (shabda), brahman (ultimate reality) itself. Aum is said to be the essence of the Vedas. (Definition & Pic - Wikipedia)

So, here I am living my life in the context of Tango, in sadness, frustration, excitement, longing, loneliness, emotional fire, dreaming, wondering.  I feel my aliveness straining to burst through: hardened layers of distrust; years of rejection and disappointment; and memories of too many body injuries, pain and deformations.  And I feel my aliveness straining to join: the river of achievements, celebrations and dreams; the well of wisdom of life experiences and mentors; and the warmth and caring of so many friends.

How do I deal with my fear of showing up, of being more intimate?  How do I open up even more to every partner I dance with, the world of Tango and life?  I believe my answer lies in a mantra I once received.

One of my first and revered mentors, Ed, facilitated a deep transformational process in a group weekend of “Self Acceptance Training”.  His mentor and my friend is now on his deathbed as I write this.  The mantra Ed spoke to me:  I choose not to fight for I have already won…

Within 2 minutes of stepping onto the dance floor of the first milonga of Salt Lake City’s Tango Festival, I found myself in a Tango crucible, incredulous at the speed of entrance.  I intended to go deeper in action with Ulysses’ sage words by being confident and kind to myself, but instead dropped into the pit of my abdomen with a wrenching knotted up ball of emotions – Tango meltdown!

Words streamed through my head, some of which may be familiar to you:  I have so far to go to be able to dance good; people don’t want to dance with me; people don’t like me; people don’t want me; why am I here?; I just made a big mistake of coming tonight; I should leave now; I am so NOT worthy of a significant relationship; I can’t believe that person is dancing with so and so, but not me; why the hell do I keep coming back to Tango?; I AM IN TANGO HELL!

I contained my emotions, sat a lot while gazing at dancers flowing by, enjoyed connecting with several wonderful tangueras, and left at 1 AM wondering if I would even go to the next milonga here or instead drive home

In my Tango Hell, I still enjoyed and admired Mike Tennant’s DJing, and noticed how much beauty the venue held.  The milonga hall sat in the center of Gallivan Center – a conglomeration of buildings in downtown Salt Lake City.  Its angled ceiling climbed to about 23 feet on one edge with an entire wall of glass looking out onto the night.

The milonga contained a gender balance, which delighted several tangueras!  A crowd smaller than I am use to seeing at festivals, filled the room just right.  People seemed to enjoy themselves.  Actually many people were effusive with their delight of the milonga the next day.  However, because I sat in the crucible’s fire, my honed ability to feel into others and discern what they felt waned significantly – so I did not know if people were enjoying themselves until they told me later.

Crucible – my dictionary defines a crucible as: a place or occasion of severe test or trial; a place or situation in which different elements interact to produce something new.  Within this metaphorical Tango crucible one can experience transformation through the alchemical process of high heat, or just remain in the excruciating blaze.  The image of remaining in the fire without transforming seems similar to how most people depict hell.

Transformation requires working through, processing and getting to the other side of whatever one is going through.  Change is more incremental, and often just requires feeling a little better.  With change, the crucible is still being sustained with fire, but one only adjusts, staying in the fire without an alchemical process transpiring.

My life issue that arose in this Tango crucible is not new.  However, I obviously have not gotten to the other side of the life issue running through me, or running me.  As a psychotherapist, I can confidently say I may never get to the other side, EVER, or I could allow the crucible to heat up and do its work if I stay in the rising heat long enough.  I desire transformation, for having this life issue arise consistently at festivals shouts at me to effectively deal with it and just does not feel good!

How does one allow the heat of things so emotionally uncomfortable to actually heat up enough to allow the alchemical process take place?  Good question, and though I am a little smug in asking such a good question, I am also a little embarrassed that I have not answered this question for myself even though I can answer this for others.  Bottom line – I still experience tango meltdowns – almost all of them are the same life issue, the same familiar set of sensations and accompanying thoughts.

I was reluctant to share what may seem to some individuals to be very personal information.  A tanguero I know already expressed his distaste over how personal my blogs are.  However, I believe many if not the great majority of tangueros/as experience some of these thoughts and feelings now and then.  What would it take for greater sharing of not just the highs, but the lows of our experiences in the Tango world?  And not just sharing in blogs?

In consulting Ulysses on this experience, he e-mailed back:  ”Dave, sometimes you don’t have to know what is going on, or be an expert.  Just be an honest chronicler of the human struggle.  That is value enough!”

Well, I am certainly having a very human struggle.

Saturday afternoon I slid from inner joy to utter funk, and realized how I created the funk even as I continued to slide further into it.  Ulysses had put forth two things to do in order to perceive the possible benefits of taking the red pill of the Tango Matrix.  As I did these two things, I created a radiance and calm within myself, and my resulting inner attitude fed my Tango bliss.

However, as I had re-occurring negative thoughts during Saturday’s alternative milonga, I found my negative thoughts corrupting my focus on Ulysses’s proposed actions.  As the festival continued, I still enjoyed many dances and found myself letting go into Tango songs and arms of such wonderful tangueras.  Nevertheless, an underground current of dissatisfaction pulled incessantly at my Tango bliss when I did not dance for awhile.

In spite of the underground current of dissatisfaction, I experienced many highlights that I will remember for a long while.  Two Tangueras in particular had me consistently floating on the milonga floor with precision, grace, fun, ease and bliss.  I danced 4+ tandas each milonga with them, and marveled at our connection, embrace, and efficient blissful movement.  After each tanda, I knew that if I smoked, I would have had a smoke.  We moved as one, and always had this supremely delicious look and feel after each song.

Kristine Goodwin & Dave Donatiu in Tango Bliss -- Photo by Young B. Kim

I had other Tandas where I experienced the same floating, though it was not consistent with all songs with the same tanguera.  I call attention to this floating experience as evidence of the rewards of all that I have gone through to get to the point where I consistently enter in Tango trances.  The floating is certainly a state of flow and is my experience of the Kiss of the Divine.  All in all I am so grateful for so many of the tandas I had the chance to experience.

Other aspects of the festival captured my attention.  I could not ask everyone I wanted to dance with for many reasons – not enough time, not the right music, another tanguera enchanted me with her cabaceo, I needed a break every now and then.  Also, I noticed how adorable and beautiful so many tangueras are – just bewitching.

In addition, I perceived that at some other festivals I have attended, a greater percentage of younger people (20-30 years of age) are present – why?  Furthermore, I noticed how navigational skills can make a dance so much easier and better – those leads with less experience often mentioned how they did not like nor have good dances when it was crowded, while better leads had great dances no matter how crowded it was.

Overall, I experienced the most Tango bliss ever at this festival, danced the best I ever have, and took the best care of my Self so my recovery was swift and easy.

Most importantly, I glimpsed the benefits of taking the red pill.  As a watcher of my own experience with Ulysses’s proposal, I witnessed a disturbing but exciting partial unveiling of meaning and explanation to mystery in Tango and my life.  Some may say Tango is just a dance – I believe these people have taken the blue pill.

Do I take the red pill?  I am conversing with Ulysses to find out more of the Tango Matrix…

If you cook at stone hot enough, it WILL crack

My stone cracked at Stone Soup.  When people think of change or improvement, usually increments of say 5-10% are considered.  Transformation is different than an incremental change, considered on the magnitude of 100%-300% to 10,000% or more.

Transformations are wonderful, rare, and usually a lot of work leads up to a transformation.  Other words used to describe transformation are- breakthroughs, foundational changes, shifts, radical shifts.  And often what precedes transformation is a breakdown, meltdown, crisis, or some other event of fire.

Before I get to what happened to me, here is the events of Sunday at Stone Soup.  We started out with a presentation and chaotic conversation on “getting dances”.  Mila had leads and follows (about 15 in each category) fill out a multiple choice questionaire.  Mila provided the multiple choice answers so we certainly had some bias, and then conversation ensued.  I called the conversation chaotic for some people asked questions that did not get answered until much later, while others interjected.

Overall, I became confused by the contrast of perspectives shared.  I must dedicate a few entries just to this topic of cabaceo and what really goes on, as well as what Mila uncovered in her survey and what many others say about getting dances.  For now, bottom line is that I felt several huge elephants in the room during this discussion, and at the same time appreciated that at least some discussion on “getting dances” was put forth.  And individuals shared heartfelt and welcomed perspectives.  Thank you to all that shared!

During our “cell seminar” Stefan and Mitra taught a class on “persona” in Tango, which is defined by my computer’s dictionary as the aspect of someone‘s character that is presented to or perceived by others.  They taught this through having everyone peruse archetypal cards that presented a light and dark side of an archetype.  Stefan and Mitra had around 11 stations of several cards that seemed to go together.  We then were directed to stand at the card station that felt most appealing, then neutral, and lastly least appealing.  We danced the most appealing and least appealing categories while either lead or follow was neutral.

What I got from this exploration was an increased feel of how I could add more feeling, power and relaxation through feeling archetypes I most resonated with.

At 5:30 I gave a short 30 min. presentation on how to break body patterns, which was a mini-lesson on how to increase your rate of learning Tango 50-500% or more.  I am glad to have put out the information, and I got good feedback on how much of a difference this information on the psychology of learning makes in Tango.

After my presentation, Michelle worked with me for 50 minutes.  I got what I came for- a shift/ transformation that I had been working on in my dance for awhile – full grounding in my steps (crashing weight changes with roll through), compact movement from my core, and an embrace that embodied what I felt internally.  I got this through Murat & Michelle’s training and mentorship.  I finally broke a lot of body patterning that probably arose from protecting my hips for years, for it was hard to fully load my hip sockets in my walk when they had little cartilage and a lot of pain.

A little later I had my first and only meal at Stone Soup – Phoenix had made some gluten free Tiramasu – OMG!  Thank you!  I skipped the evening class to rest up for the milonga.  At the milonga, I danced VERY different than I ever have, and enjoyed the ease, pleasure and obvious difference in the feel of how I moved.

So far in this entry I have only reported.  I have added only a little of my opinion and perspective.  The juiciest stuff of the weekend that I believe would be of most interest to all of you is to address the elephants in the room that deal with “getting dances” – LATER.

Overall, I get a sense of how surreal my experience was at Stone Soup.  On one hand, I had a Tango meltdown and transformation.  And on the other hand, I am left with my great desire to teach the power of psychology of learning in Tango and the contrast of how this is not my full reality yet.  And I am left with my own burning issues that deal with getting dances.

Yesterday strapped me into a high-tech rollercoaster, complete with the foam wrapped steel bars and padded head cradle.  And I stayed on the rollercoaster for several loops.  If you have ever literally done this as I have 7 times in a row at Great America in Gurnee, IL, once you get off the rollercoaster you feel the ground moving.  I still feel the ground moving, and I am wanting a lot more joy with my moving ground.

The day started off with an informative presentation on attracting then retaining people into Tango.  After the presentation, we split up into groups to brainstorm then present ideas for retention.  I will present these ideas in a separate entry.  So far, so good.  I felt hope that this industry will grow much faster than it is.

During practice time I had a 50 min. private with Michelle.   I worked on using the floor with putting my weight onto my leg fully with walking and leading a follow into a turn, thereby being the axis she turns around.  I have tended to make it easier for the follow by moving to make it easier for the follow to get around  instead of leading clearly and not moving my axis.  In some ways the follow needs to do more work, yet the feedback I got by practicing this with a few follows is that ultimately she feels more secure, sure and better.

Hmmmmm.  Life lesson here.  I obviously accommodate way too much vs. standing in my center and leading from that.  Yes, you can make metaphors with just about anything in Tango.  However, as woo-woo as they might seem, I believe the metahpors are more accurate than many dare to believe or explore.

However, and this is a big HOWEVER, I also got how I need to lead more from my core spinal rotation so it is easier, clearer, and more delicious for the follow to move in the direction I invite her.  My private with Eric later in the day confirmed how little I do this, and how he achieves the high level of dancing I so admire in him.  He is always spiraling with his spine, telegraphing his lead and leading his lead with his spine and torso.  This is no small feat.

In my beginning attempts at codifying the skill sets in Tango, the 10th skill is Upper and Lower Body Differentiation and Torsional Energy Management.  Yeah, a mouthful and I am realizing how much of it I have been missing.  Michelle so gets when I do not use it, and Eric so gets how to do it.  The privates paid off – now is my work.

And then I watched a Master teacher teach musicality – Murat.  He is a teacher that understands sequencing, making the learning process fun, the importance of exploration for students to own the material, and his charisma and entertainment skill is really a site to behold.  I know I am gushing over his skill, yet he deserves it.  Few teachers get to the teaching skill level I would label Master Teacher.  He commands the attention of a room, enchants the room, and leads the room to a fully satisfying learning and enlightening.

He started demonstrating musicality with a Charlie Chaplin movie, then had us just do things with our bodies as we sat in our chairs to the music Charlie Chaplin did his routine to, and later played and labeled visually to the time of a Biagi Vals on a projected image from his computer.  So, he combined visual with audio.  Yesssss!  We all worked in our cells to just walk to this vals and other music later while expressing the melody.

Why is it that so few dancers express the melody?  I would love to hear from my readers on this.  I have my own ideas, but none of them are too flattering to the American Culture.

Then I get to the milonga portion of the night.  I am struggling on how to share what happened while being kind, for I don’t think I was being too kind to myself.   I had the kind of night where I got a sense that my dancing unraveled, I gave boring dances, and a doom and gloom scenario of my Tango future.  This may seem dramatic – in the moment it was.  Crying was an option, leaving a second option, verbally asking for some “help me out, I am having a very hard night” dances as favors from friends a third option, falsely buying a belief that I just sucked a fourth option, falsely buying a belief I was too old to learn what I needed to a fifth option, dancing with anyone who would accept a dance a sixth option…   blah, blah, blah.

I chose all of the options and then some.

Even though I rode the rollercoaster with some terror, I experienced some of its thrills.  As I did not want to dance much, I watched the immense talent on the floor.  I have only once seen anything close to this talent – at Villa Malcom in Buenos Aires.  And I think what I saw last night went beyond the milonga in B.A. in terms of social dancing skill sets vs. performance skill sets.

What I am making all of this mean is that I have some specific skill sets that I have not ingrained into my body memory.  I also recognize the importance of staying true to how I feel the music and dancing it THAT way.  I love the melody, and I keep honoring the beats way too often.  I am not staying true to my integrity of my inner dance.  I am so intensely curious as to how many dancers feel one thing in Tango, but do not honor it for they see so much of something else.

My stone is BOILING HOT.

Here at the first night of Stone Soup in Eugene, OR I witnessed a milonga floor filled with teachers, talent, obsession, joy, and beauty.  My mood meandered as much as the varied expressions I witnessed.  Sometimes I believe I am one of the tortured tangueros – heavy as stone.

This usually happens at the beginning of a good festival – the first night is populated with great dancers and I go through the following:  inspired at how beautiful so many dancers express; excited at how I may grow in my own dance, and the wonderful tandas that seem promised; humbled by the volume of skill I would like to and need to absorb; depressed at how little I seem to be able to give in a dance compared to the great talent in the room; and being hesitant to ask many tangueras for a dance for I just seem so bland compared to the gourmet tangueros.

On top of all of this, I go through my own questioning – do I belong here?  And most painful is when so many people walk off with friends, colleagues, and significant others – I go back to my RV alone to ruminate while being with my dear cat.

My night did start with a Tanda that I live for  - I felt so connected that my partner and I did not separate between songs, that I had that sweet spot of balance and connection that allowed me to express musical nuances, and I breathed the Tango and felt her right there with me.  I would have loved to have dance 10 tandas with her.  I had little flash, and later saw how much flash many tangueros could dance with her as she moved so beautifully with many very skilled tangueros.  My two tandas with her brought up the movie, American Beauty.

In the movie, American Beauty, the most intriguing, emotionally moving and haunting scene for me is where two characters watch a video of a plastic bag blowing in vertical circles in the air.  The feelings that course through me during that video are similar to what I felt by the end of the milonga – seeing incredible beauty with my eyes and feeling deep beauty in my heart, yet feeling profound sadness at how much of the rest of my life does not match the beauty I experience in so many ways on the dance floor.

My saving grace perhaps is the exquisite beauty within Tango that draws me back to express so much of what I feel in the music, with my dance partner, and the eternal hope I will, as time passes, be able to express and align myself with the full beauty in how the plastic bag dances in the wind of American Beauty in both Tango and my life.  I feel a little too stone like right now.

KUDOS to all that have made this UNIQUE Tango gathering possible!

This is how the Birmingham hip replacements look after installed. I am now officially a cyborg.

I was literally looking at a life without Tango.  I asked myself, was it worth dying for?  Now, it was only a 1 in 8,000 chance I would die from the anesthesia.  But the 50/50 chance of it not working, which would mean walking would be severely painful, and no turning back from getting implants?  I knew my answer within minutes of my doctor giving me these odds.

I did my due diligence to make the odds work for me, with research and other expert opinions.  I went back to Dr. Rector after due-diligence and TOLD him to do the surgery.  He asked me if I was sure.  I looked him in the eye and said, do it or I will get the next doctor to do it, but I prefer you!  I chose the first available slot he had -11 days later.

On April 11th 2008 I had hip resurfacing on my right hip, and June 20th 2008 had hip resurfacing on my left hip.  Resurfacing is 3rd generation hip replacements where the femur head is not chopped off, but instead capped with a chromium-cobalt metal ball and the hip is reamed out and a chromium-cobalt socket is hammered into it.  Yes, replacement surgeries are akin to carpentry.  Hip resurfacing is actually way more painful in recovery, for the entire femur head is popped out of the socket and out of the body through a 7 inch cut in the hip.  This racial carpentry is needed to fit the femur head with a cap.

This is more than a little painful upon waking.  I took EVERY drug available to me at full dose -8 drugs, except for morphine for the first hip resurfacing.  With the second hip resurfacing, I woke up and within 2 minutes demanded a morphine drip!  In addition, it took 8-12 weeks to get over the deep-bone pain.  The deep bone pain I experienced is akin to bone cancer.  And for those of you who think I had a joy ride on full dosing of percocet, know that percocet goes directly to dealing with pain.  If not in pain, you get a good high.  While in excruciating pain, you get less pain only!

As soon as the bone pain left, I went off percocet and did not crave more (so much for my critics telling me that I was addicted to pain killers).  Of course, biologically, my body did have interesting withdrawal symptoms – shaking as if I was in seizure.  This became interesting once while I drove my car.

The final cost was $120,000 for both hip replacements – I paid only a little over $4,000 (yeah for insurance!).  By the way, Rusty Cline in Tucson, AZ has also had a hip resurfacing – we are called surface hippie buddies.

SO- for over 2 years I danced with considerable pain.  I still have some pain, which is slowly receding.  I know what it is like to live on percocet for months.  I have learned a few things about balance, engaged frame and core, and being efficient with my movement as well as pacing my dancing.  In addition, I have a healthy respect for modern medicine!  And I do not take running, walking or dancing for granted.

I will leave you readers with severe hip challenges with this- every story of hip replacement and hip resurfacing that I have read or heard had one comment in common – EVERYONE wished they had surgery sooner than they actually did.  Because of my complete passion for Argentine Tango, I am one of the few exceptions – I not only did not wait to get surgery, I took every first available slot with doctors/ surgeons to get my full ability to dance Tango back.  Hmmm, what I do for my mistress (Tango).