In synchronicity I stumbled upon a young woman’s blog where she discovered two quotes and shared how they moved her.  These words summon the romance, mystique and power of Tango and moved me as well.

“Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it…It really is worth fighting for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk everything, you risk even more.” Erica Jong

“To him she seemed so seductive, so different from ordinary people, that he could not understand why no one was as disturbed as he by the clicking of her heels on the paving stones, why no one else’s heart was wild with the breeze stirred by the sighs of her veils, why everyone did not go mad with the movements of her braid, the flight of her hands, the gold of her laughter. He had not missed a single one of her gestures, not one of the indications of her character, but he did not dare approach her for fear of destroying the spell.” Gabriel Garcia Marquez

The characters Carrie and Aleksandr in Sex and the City

Now, what if I replaced the word love in the first quote with Tango, and in the second quote replace the woman with Tango?

What is at risk in my life if I give myself over fully to my passion, to Tango, or to a woman?

Why have I shrunk in the face of such stirring beauty and spells before?

Am I afraid to look beyond the spells while lingering in the intimacy of getting to know the spell caster and their true character?

Have I lost my will to fight for what I am so passionate about?

What is it to fight for something?

What is fighting in relation to giving in to something, or giving over to something, or surrendering to something, or allowing something?

What GOD do I serve?  Do I really want to serve something?  And is there anything or anyone I would really die for?

Why dance even one more tanda?

What would I give to pursue my biggest passions?

What would I do to never lose the opportunity to experience my biggest passions?

The character, Carrie Bradshaw in the TV series Sex and the City, eventually defines what she is looking for, and in that moment defines herself.  She tells her boyfriend Aleksandr, “I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.”

I am looking for the same thing as Carrie in both a partner and in my passion, Argentine Tango.  But what is the price?  What is at risk for me?  And if I don’t risk everything, then am I risking more?

“Tango demands intimacy whether we like it or not.  Tango obliges who we are to show up whether we want it to or not.  Tango compels us to know who we want to be whether we imagine it or not.” – Ulysses

Lisa & Dave at Cheesman Park 9/6/09 Photo by ?

I find this entry to be the hardest to write and communicate to date, for I have to share more of my psyche than I have before.   To be true to my process, I must provide a rawness and vulnerability I would prefer to keep to myself.  I fear the possibility that what I offer might be used against me in some way, or I will appear weak and less attractive to my peers, or that I will be judged as less of a man.  This fear probably comes from my father’s upbringing.

On Saturday morning of the Denver Labor Day Tango Festival 2009, I basked in a form of nirvana from so many tandas filled with joy, play, musical exploration, sweetness, connection and intimacy.  I found myself sharing often that I was in heaven, and sighed from many Tangasms.  How did I show up?  I only upped it by perhaps one level.  I could up it by 2 or 3 levels.

However, I believe that showing up more would entail greater stillness of my thoughts, breathing more intentionally, slowing down my walk outside of Tango, feeling my heart beat (this refers to Heart Math Institute and working with one’s own heart resonance), relaxing into my hip sockets in my Tango walk, and engaging more with people’s eyes.

Overall, showing up is about intimacy.  Intimacy allows others to see me, allows myself to be vulnerable where people get to connect with me more as I do not defend myself.  What would I be defending myself from?  In my mind the defense is from an unseen form of attack by judgments, rejection, not being liked, or a threat to identity – the sense of who I am.  Identity is referred to as ego in some wisdom traditions and psychological models of our psyche.  And in Tango, there is much to fear.

In Tango I have witnessed more gossip, mean-spiritedness, immaturity, ego identification and defense, rejection, judgment and exclusivity than any other place I have experienced.  The milonga can be emotionally brutal, and many Tango Meltdowns have violently grabbed me.  I have observed the worst of high school behavior in milongas.  Some of my biggest fears have been realized through people who truly are neurotic, maladjusted and narcissistic.  The countless examples I could detail just underline how milonga halls become a strong mirror – bringing to light our psyches and our lurking fears, joys, losses, and rages.  And some wonder why so many leave Tango?

Aum (OM) is the sound of the infinite. ... Aum is said to be the essence of all mantras, the highest of all matras or divine word (shabda), brahman (ultimate reality) itself. Aum is said to be the essence of the Vedas. (Definition & Pic - Wikipedia)

So, here I am living my life in the context of Tango, in sadness, frustration, excitement, longing, loneliness, emotional fire, dreaming, wondering.  I feel my aliveness straining to burst through: hardened layers of distrust; years of rejection and disappointment; and memories of too many body injuries, pain and deformations.  And I feel my aliveness straining to join: the river of achievements, celebrations and dreams; the well of wisdom of life experiences and mentors; and the warmth and caring of so many friends.

How do I deal with my fear of showing up, of being more intimate?  How do I open up even more to every partner I dance with, the world of Tango and life?  I believe my answer lies in a mantra I once received.

One of my first and revered mentors, Ed, facilitated a deep transformational process in a group weekend of “Self Acceptance Training”.  His mentor and my friend is now on his deathbed as I write this.  The mantra Ed spoke to me:  I choose not to fight for I have already won…

In response to my latest encounters of the Tango Matrix, Ulysses directed me to the Oracle’s profound insight on CHOICE.  “Dave, you made an important choice but do not understand it.  Your Tango fog is your life fog – you must understand your choice to not only see past it, but to move past it.  Understand & SEE!”

Wikipedia: The Oracle of Delphi exerted considerable influence throughout the Greek world, and she was consulted before all major undertakings

To remind you of the reference of the Oracle in the movie “Matrix” – from Wikipedia:

The Oracle possesses the power of foresight, which she uses to advise and guide the humans attempting to fight the Matrix’s system. Later, she is revealed to be a sapient program who is integral to the very nature of the Matrix itself.  During one meeting, Oracle tries to tell Neo something critical about choice.

She’s telling him it isn’t about choice.  He’s made a choice and now he has to understand the choice and its ramifications.  She herself claims that she lacks the ability to see past her own choice, explaining that no one, including herself, can see past a choice they do not understand.

When I first watched the film where this dialogue of choice took place, I literally shuddered from adrenaline shooting through my nervous system with excitement at the potential meaning of these words.  I conjectured that principal personal power hid within the Oracle’s words.  I am putting Oracle’s wisdom to the test as Ulysses has alluded that understanding my choice will grant access to much needed movement in my life.

Three questions present themselves in understanding my choice:

1. What is this important choice?
2. Can I see past my choice?
3. Can I take action?

First

The important choice in question is that I made a commitment to Tango as my life path.  Do I understand this choice?  Varying levels of understanding exist.  The following levels are my current understanding of why I made my choice:

• Level 1- Tango is somewhat of a fantasy world- it appears romantic to be a Tango professional, spending most of one’s life in milonga halls and studios dancing, teaching, DJ’ing and performing
• Level 2- I posses an amazing passion for teaching, dancing, DJ’ing Tango
• Level 3- I would like to have my community, my work, my life partner, my life-long friends, my travels, my experiences to be Tango – this image feels pretty good
• Level 4- I perceive that my physical health and emotional health is greatly enhanced and furthered by Tango, and therefore leads to a higher quality of life
• Level 5- Tango is a legitimate path of conscious evolution- one of the two reasons I believe I exist (to love is the other reason)
• Level 6- Lastly, any life path for me is ultimately about experiencing bliss.  Here I have run into a snag – currently I am not in bliss outside of Tango – at least not on any consistent enough basis.  Does fully manifesting Tango as my daily experience get me to bliss, or do I need to consistently be in bliss to manifest the life path of Tango fully?  Am I in a catch 22?

Obviously, some of my understanding is not complete.  How complete does my understanding need to be?

Second

Perhaps I do understand my choice.  One test of understanding choice according to the Oracle of the Matrix is can I see past it?  I acknowledge that I can plan different actions to further my Tango life – marketing, attending festivals, training on my own, training with dance partners, traveling to Tango workshops, DJ’ing.

However, I am also aware that some choices recently have not been in plain sight.  Therefore, I have sought mentorship on my next steps in Tango.  Are my next steps clearer?  Yes.  Are my next steps truly clear and easy to see?  No.

And now that I am dealing with recently becoming unplugged from the Tango Matrix, what appeared to be my next steps changed significantly.  Do I trust the new next steps I see – am I seeing clearly?  Because I doubt that I see clearly, I now have to answer No to seeing past my choice with full confidence.

Third

Can I take action?  Currently I do not believe I am taking sufficient action to manifest the experiences I desire to have on a consistent basis.  My lack of action most likely demonstrates I do not see past my choice.

Wrong Question

My conclusion from my above thinking is I do NOT see past my choice.  Fine (this is code for I am not happy about something and acknowledging some resistance but I now accept it).  So what am I not seeing?  One of my favorite questions to my coaching clients, which I would have asked at this point is, “Well, if you did know, what would be your answer?”

I would say that my choice to commit to Tango is not the actual choice in question.  The choice in question I am not seeing past/ not understanding is way bigger – my original choice – TO SHOW UP IN THE WORLD.  To this day I do not understand this choice.

I am staring at my last paragraph – I am dumbfounded by what I just wrote, its veracity, its implications, and how it fits pieces of my life puzzle together that have never fit.

The Umbrella Tango Dance Scene

Do you have a secret wish or dream, a fantasy or fancy in Tango?  I discovered to my thrill and amusement that a few individuals fulfilled a long standing dream on a lazy rainy Sunday afternoon at Sugar House Park in Salt Lake City.  And I went from Tango Purgatory to Tango Heaven with my first Umbrella Tango, an auspiciously sweet memory for decades to come.

On Sunday afternoon I drove up to the small picnic pavilion at Sugar House Park.  Here food, Tango music, tango addicts, tango wannabees, and tango watchers were to be found.  I mingled but for a bit before I retrieved my jacket from my RV.  It was a wee bit chilly.  A bit more mingling before the rain came down and our cement dance space with 2 grills on 2 ends became a nightmare for tango shoes with suede.

Tova took charge by clearing two picnic tables among a dozen under cover of the pavilion, and then jumping on top to dance with Carlos – damn they are so good.  Carlos cracks me up, always, and not so secretly I let people know I would love to have his campiness with skill.  After dancing with Carlos, Tova announced who’s next?  Others joined her as well as tango adventurers dancing on an adjacent table.  However, it became clear that not all would join the jovial jubilee of Tango gyration – maintaining balance had just inherited severe consequences dancing up on high.

Katherine & Dave in their Magical Umbrella Tango - Photo by Barbara Bagnasacco

Then it appeared – in the definitive rain shower – a couple began to dance while holding an umbrella.

To my surprise, Katherine,  standing and talking next to me as a new-found Tango obsessed comrade sheepishly asked, “Do you have an umbrella?  I have always wanted to dance in the rain with an umbrella.”  I quickly answered, “Yes I do.  In my bag.”  I quickly walked to my bag, and as reached into my bag to get my umbrella out, I realized Katherine had followed me, quickly!  I am accustomed to retrieving what I need and then going back to a tanguera in waiting.  She did not wait, so I understood at that point she was more than a little excited.

Katherine & Dave in Umbrella Tango - photo by Barbara Bagnasacco

And then we danced to 4 alternative songs while we both held my black designer Eddie Bauer compact umbrella.   Within a couple of minutes of dancing, Katherine kicked off her flip-flops, as I kept my Keen sandals on.  I became excited as I did something quite different in Tango.  The rain did pour, and the laughter rose.

Soon our laughter became a salve for my heart with an unknown hurting.  Katherine’s infectious joy began, slowly began, to evoke the sense of missing joy.  And it was not until after we walked off the puddle-filled “dance floor” that I felt slowly, ever so slowly, something slinking into my aching Tango heart.  I did not want to dance with anyone else, nor ask anyone else to dance.  I felt filled with a childlike giddiness, but also forlorn.

What was this slow slinking?  For the past few days I have reflected on what aches so much.  As I travel the western part of the country, I feel in my heart – a serious ache that yanks my focus onto it.  I find that as I feel the ache, I keep coming back to this most delicious of memories – my Umbrella Tango Tanda.  The Umbrella Tango experience is a glimmer of dreams gone by and dreams to come.  I sense I am in a limbo between unfulfilled dreams and dreams I am to fulfill.

And with my memories and reflections I am off to begin the SFTX (San Francisco Tango Exchange) Tango Festival.

I am alert for a cubic centimeter of chance to come my way as I flirt with swallowing the red pill to access the Tango Matrix.  Don Juan in Carlos Castenada’s book, Journey to Ixtlan, explains the cubic centimeter of chance:

“All of us, whether or not we are warriors, have a cubic centimeter of chance that pops out in front of our eyes from time to time.  The difference between an average man and a warrior is that the warrior is aware of this, and one of his tasks is to be alert, deliberately waiting, so that when his cubic centimeter pops out he has the necessary speed, the prowess to pick it up…  Usually we are too busy, or too preoccupied, or just too stupid and lazy to realize that that is our cubic centimeter of luck.  A warrior, on the other hand, is always alert and tight and has the spring, the gumption necessary to grab it.”

CUBIC CENTIMETER OF CHANCE --- Will you see and grab your chance before it quickly passes, forever gone?

In my own words a cubic centimeter of chance is a portal to vast life change that opens but for a short time – a few seconds to perhaps a few days.  Once that portal closes, it is closed forever, and you may have to wait years before another comes your way.  However, once you step through this portal, your life immediately executes a profoundly different beneficial trajectory.

Throughout the world of Argentine Tango, I believe these special portals emerge more often than with other activities, because what Tango demands.  Tango demands of its participants: greater intimacy; reflections of social status; a look at social behaviors; greater awareness of personal beliefs of self and others; examination of relationships with friends and significant others; and understand and feeling more deeply our own body.  Tango demands act as lightening rods, attracting portals to vast life change, similar to how psychotherapy and other personal growth modalities attract portals.

I have missed possible portals, or cubic centimeter of chances.   For example, I once stood in line at a Wild Oats grocery store in Santa Fe, New Mexico.  A woman and I made eyes at each other.  I felt some knowing and depth with her, way more than simple chemistry.  A portal opened, yet I did not jump through it by talking with her.

I wonder to this day if my life would have taken a profoundly different beneficial trajectory.  Perhaps in talking with her we would have hooked up, I would have begun an amazing relationship and moved to Santa Fe.  Perhaps she would have imparted life changing information, or conceivably nothing would have come of it.  I still wonder…

What other cubic centimeter of chances have I missed?  What if a portal I already let go offered a red pill to the Tango Matrix?

Dare to be Better and the impossible eventually becomes possible

Star Trek blasted onto movie screens Thursday, demanding an answer to a compelling command – Dare to be Better.  I left the theatre shaken, for I did not want to answer the command, nor even think about it.  I tried my best to not face personal realities and dreams that the movie dredged up.  However, after 3 days I am still left with the command, Dare to be Better.

I entered into Argentine Tango at the beginning of my midlife transition, which has become more of a crisis and transformation.  Tango has been the nexus of my midlife transformation and all of the changes I have made, and NOT made.  Star Trek’s command makes me ponder with great unease how I seem to have manifested much less than my ambitions of years past AND how much less inspiration I have now.  In fact, since before I entered Tango, I haven’t been inspired by ambitions, lofty goals, grand ideals or even of humanitarian endeavors as I once was.

Early in my life, at 17, I began to ask a question- “What does it take to change?  grow?  transform?”  Many answers have appeared, some stayed, others left, and many evolved.  All of my answers I have filed under influencing factors for change.  One influencing factor is being inspired by great people that Dare to be Better.  This factor of being inspired by great people seems to have slipped away a lot – Star Trek reminded me.

Another influencing factor that creates change is the pain/ pleasure scale, which says, when the pain of your current reality is greater than the possible perceived pain of what it takes to change your current reality, you will change your current reality.  As J. J. Abrams’ version of Star Trek flashed across the giant screen, some of my before tango dreams flashed across my mind – entering into the N.A.S.A. program, humanitarian endeavors, world travels, sailing, scuba diving, flying gliders, passionate partnership, and others.  The contrast of what my dreams have been and what I currently experience has tipped the pain/ pleasure scale for me to change my current actions.  The ending of my midlife crisis is the realization of unfulfilled dreams.

The command, Dare to be Better, shows up in Tango for many.  In learning Tango, a person must deal with changing habitual ways of moving the body.  Every change of a habitual body movement involves dealing with the emotions behind the creation of the habitual body movement.  And learning a new way of moving engages the body in a different way, which often necessitates changing a body-based habit.  It is easy to uncover people’s emotional and life issues through how they Tango and how they learn Tango.

I maintain how we are in life shows up in Tango, and how we are in Tango shows up in life!  Tango dares us to be better by moving better.

I once encountered a beginning student in a private that had lost a great deal of her basic motivation to grow and change.  At an early point in the private, I said to become better at Tango you will need to work on your balance as if you were in a gym exercising.  So let’s do that now.  She immediately crossed her arms, got stiff, and looked away with anger and fear.  She did not want to actually do any work.  I reflected of how I saw myself in her – I wondered where some of my motivation had gone.

Many of the main characters in the new Star Trek movie are faced with life and death situations which dare them to be better or die.  I believe the threat of death is the most powerful influencing factor to create change in a person.  However, we often are not faced with death or any other strong influencing factor for change.  Therefore, I believe to change our behaviors in our lives and create the life we truly want, we need to purposefully introduce an influencing factor for change.

I am sure this new Star Trek movie has ushered in a new era of daring to be better for more than a few trekkies.  So here I am, yearning for what James T. Kirk has – an internal daring to be better – so I can Tango better and live better.  Can any of you relate?

These are ideas that the community at large came up with here at Stone Soup in Eugene, OR and some others that I added.  I might just make this an evolving list.  Please comment and I will update this post as an evolving article!

1. Offer a showcase and/ or performances for students
2. Offer social Tango parties (different than milongas)
3. Offer a retreat where people stay together in one place and do more than just Tango
4. Require for a class than students go to 3 other events
5. A teacher takes their students on a field trip to another Tango event together
6. Offer taxi dancers that wear something that designates them as such
7. Form a welcoming committee where at milongas/ practicas designated people welcome any “strangers” to the event
8. Publicly recognize newcomers and thank them for coming
9. Publicly offer a master class
10. Ask current community members to talk up tango and bring new people to an event
11. Have advanced dancers join a beginner class
12. After class/ milonga/ practica all go out to a restaurant/ bar and hang out together
13. Have a potluck
14. Watch Tango movies and talk
15. Form an online community through news groups or Facebook or ?
16. Switch around DJ’s so their friends come
17. Have a Q & A session on a juicy Tango topic
18. Have a special milonga just for beginners
19. Do Guerilla tango
20. Affirm people’s dancing – tell them what is good about their dancing
21. Have a monthly recruiting milonga
22. Eating between classes and the milonga/ practica