In synchronicity I am gazing upon neon art in a café that states:  after you were born, before you die, if not now, when? Not only does this quote in neon affirm my desire to live fully, it offers irony in relation to living as a declaration vs. an inquiry.

A few nights ago in talking to a new-found tango friend, she related how a good friend of hers is all about inquiring in life.  I reflected upon living as an inquiry and how I shared in my last blog entry living as a declaration.  I still inquire some, yet I have lived the last 27 days as much more a declaration of just being.

Declaring is a choice, and viewing the world through the filter of one’s choice.  An example of what living through filter is of a man I know that seems to live through a filter of scientific method, cynicism and resignation.  These are not necessarily consciously chosen filters.  However, many of the choices I have seen him make show these filters.

I am aware that the filters (beliefs) I hold, whether I consciously chose them or not, influence my choices and views to a greater degree than I will probably ever be aware.  Now I arrive at the possibility of choosing a theme of filters I call magic.  I have inquired in my life about making this choice since I was 17.  I have flirted with this choice often, yet I have not chosen out of fear of possible consequences of living through a filter of magic.

Yet this neon art quote, after you were born, before you die, if not now, when, arouses my desire to stop waiting to live in magic.  Living in magic (choosing the filter of magic) is about acknowledging magic: the IMMENSE and BOUNDLESS energetic interaction of life. How would I acknowledge magic?  Look for it, notice it, appreciate it, breathe it in, watch for it, wait for it, luxuriate in it, feel it, allow it to infuse my awareness and being, believe in it, smile at it, and trust that magic can be my guide.

Bottom line:  live life as a declaration that magic not only exists, but I show up in magic as magic, not some void of meaningless existence.  I could choose the belief that life is meaningless and it is meaningless that life is meaningless.  One organization I participated in promotes this belief as the ontological cosmology, or basis of all of their technologies.  I saw the consequences of choosing this belief.  Not what I would choose.

And when it comes to Tango, every milonga affords me the opportunity to witness magic up close.  Tango can be a fishbowl of magic.  Choosing to witness magic sure beats choosing to witness behavior akin to high school, immature, rigid and un-evolved.  Why the hell have I chosen to look through the filter of high school behavior?  Why would anyone?

Ulysses:  Dave, your declaration of magic terminates your question of showing up.  And don’t ponder these words, just reside in magic.  Commit to this choice, and you can bend the rules  of the Tango matrix…

After I parked my RV at a rest stop in Wyoming on Sunday, I sat down and mentally declared in amazement – THIS IS MY LIFE.  No more moving stuff into storage, no more purging irrelevant possessions, no more planning for departure, no more waiting to depart, no more preparing, no more hoping to travel indefinitely, no more more.  This is it.  This is my life.

Eric & Eufemia & Myself at Jam's Cafe during Portland Tango Fest 10/09 - photo by Amy Lehman - this captures the feeling of THIS IS MY LIFE - joyful and in connection with part of my Tango family

Even though I have traveled a lot in my RV on Tango tours, this is different.  I am living a Tango tour indefinitely.  Even though my base is Boulder, CO, I will not return for quite some time.  Truth be known, I would like to NOT HAVE TO ever return, even though I will return.

So, here I am – what I do now is what I do.  I am not waiting, preparing, planning, hoping, wondering nor thinking as much.  I am acutely aware that each day is now my life – not someday.  According to many sage people I have read and heard, this is how life is supposedly better lived.  They call it living in the moment.  I don’t know how in the moment I am, but I do feel a deep shift in my awareness of living.

In my former life before Tango in the role as a life coach, I would routinely ask my clients – “what if your life now is as good as it gets?”  What would you do different?  What would you do more of, less of, and not ever again?  How would you feel?

I am not sure my own question applies to my declaration, This Is My Life. However, I want to ask a different question.  A question such as why do I need to ask so many questions?  What if I stopped being a question, and lived as a declaration.  Instead of wondering or asking, what if I just did what felt right each segment of time (differing lengths of time)?  What if I did not go into thinking a choice, but living a choice?  What the heck am I really saying?

Ulyssess prompted me to encounter the most powerful question to date in my life with these words:  “Dave, you made an important choice but do not understand it.  Your Tango fog is your life fog – you must understand your choice to not only see past it, but to move past it.  Understand & SEE!”

The  choice in question that I encountered that I am not seeing past, nor understanding is – my original choice – TO SHOW UP IN THE WORLD.  Maybe what I am understanding is to stop trying to understand my choice, but BE a choice.  Is this what just happened two days ago?  Did I just choose to show up at a different level?

What does BEING a choice, living a choice and living as a declaration look like for me?  Apparently I am finding out.  In two days since my declaration, I have already made different choices:  I have eaten less, and eaten what felt right; I have gone to bed 2 hours earlier, and woken up 3 hours earlier than usual; I have done Yoga in late afternoon, and upon waking up, and even twice in a day; I have taken more time to acknowledge my cat with attention and snuggling; I have found myself delightfully telling a friend I did not HAVE TO be anywhere at any time, nor fulfill hardly any commitments for a couple of months; I have exercised a few times, doing some strength building which I normally don’t do, nor really like – I liked it; I walked a little slower, and a little faster – I liked both; I have found myself breathing deep intentional breaths, and engaging in other breath exercises, which I normally do not; I bought 2 cheeses I have never bought, one that I have to grate which I have not done in over a decade; bought 2 bottles of wine though I rarely buy one.

Also, I imagine that living as a choice could look like:  easily identifying what action follows from inspiration and without hesitation, doing it; not giving any time to procrastination, but with an inner peace just handling things; smiling a lot more; much more composed vs. collapsing or posturing; giving a lot more gratitude; moving slower but with greater focus and ease.

Hmmmmmmmmm…  Am I living more of a dream and more awake?

In synchronicity I stumbled upon a young woman’s blog where she discovered two quotes and shared how they moved her.  These words summon the romance, mystique and power of Tango and moved me as well.

“Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it…It really is worth fighting for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk everything, you risk even more.” Erica Jong

“To him she seemed so seductive, so different from ordinary people, that he could not understand why no one was as disturbed as he by the clicking of her heels on the paving stones, why no one else’s heart was wild with the breeze stirred by the sighs of her veils, why everyone did not go mad with the movements of her braid, the flight of her hands, the gold of her laughter. He had not missed a single one of her gestures, not one of the indications of her character, but he did not dare approach her for fear of destroying the spell.” Gabriel Garcia Marquez

The characters Carrie and Aleksandr in Sex and the City

Now, what if I replaced the word love in the first quote with Tango, and in the second quote replace the woman with Tango?

What is at risk in my life if I give myself over fully to my passion, to Tango, or to a woman?

Why have I shrunk in the face of such stirring beauty and spells before?

Am I afraid to look beyond the spells while lingering in the intimacy of getting to know the spell caster and their true character?

Have I lost my will to fight for what I am so passionate about?

What is it to fight for something?

What is fighting in relation to giving in to something, or giving over to something, or surrendering to something, or allowing something?

What GOD do I serve?  Do I really want to serve something?  And is there anything or anyone I would really die for?

Why dance even one more tanda?

What would I give to pursue my biggest passions?

What would I do to never lose the opportunity to experience my biggest passions?

The character, Carrie Bradshaw in the TV series Sex and the City, eventually defines what she is looking for, and in that moment defines herself.  She tells her boyfriend Aleksandr, “I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.”

I am looking for the same thing as Carrie in both a partner and in my passion, Argentine Tango.  But what is the price?  What is at risk for me?  And if I don’t risk everything, then am I risking more?

“Tango demands intimacy whether we like it or not.  Tango obliges who we are to show up whether we want it to or not.  Tango compels us to know who we want to be whether we imagine it or not.” – Ulysses

Lisa & Dave at Cheesman Park 9/6/09 Photo by ?

I find this entry to be the hardest to write and communicate to date, for I have to share more of my psyche than I have before.   To be true to my process, I must provide a rawness and vulnerability I would prefer to keep to myself.  I fear the possibility that what I offer might be used against me in some way, or I will appear weak and less attractive to my peers, or that I will be judged as less of a man.  This fear probably comes from my father’s upbringing.

On Saturday morning of the Denver Labor Day Tango Festival 2009, I basked in a form of nirvana from so many tandas filled with joy, play, musical exploration, sweetness, connection and intimacy.  I found myself sharing often that I was in heaven, and sighed from many Tangasms.  How did I show up?  I only upped it by perhaps one level.  I could up it by 2 or 3 levels.

However, I believe that showing up more would entail greater stillness of my thoughts, breathing more intentionally, slowing down my walk outside of Tango, feeling my heart beat (this refers to Heart Math Institute and working with one’s own heart resonance), relaxing into my hip sockets in my Tango walk, and engaging more with people’s eyes.

Overall, showing up is about intimacy.  Intimacy allows others to see me, allows myself to be vulnerable where people get to connect with me more as I do not defend myself.  What would I be defending myself from?  In my mind the defense is from an unseen form of attack by judgments, rejection, not being liked, or a threat to identity – the sense of who I am.  Identity is referred to as ego in some wisdom traditions and psychological models of our psyche.  And in Tango, there is much to fear.

In Tango I have witnessed more gossip, mean-spiritedness, immaturity, ego identification and defense, rejection, judgment and exclusivity than any other place I have experienced.  The milonga can be emotionally brutal, and many Tango Meltdowns have violently grabbed me.  I have observed the worst of high school behavior in milongas.  Some of my biggest fears have been realized through people who truly are neurotic, maladjusted and narcissistic.  The countless examples I could detail just underline how milonga halls become a strong mirror – bringing to light our psyches and our lurking fears, joys, losses, and rages.  And some wonder why so many leave Tango?

Aum (OM) is the sound of the infinite. ... Aum is said to be the essence of all mantras, the highest of all matras or divine word (shabda), brahman (ultimate reality) itself. Aum is said to be the essence of the Vedas. (Definition & Pic - Wikipedia)

So, here I am living my life in the context of Tango, in sadness, frustration, excitement, longing, loneliness, emotional fire, dreaming, wondering.  I feel my aliveness straining to burst through: hardened layers of distrust; years of rejection and disappointment; and memories of too many body injuries, pain and deformations.  And I feel my aliveness straining to join: the river of achievements, celebrations and dreams; the well of wisdom of life experiences and mentors; and the warmth and caring of so many friends.

How do I deal with my fear of showing up, of being more intimate?  How do I open up even more to every partner I dance with, the world of Tango and life?  I believe my answer lies in a mantra I once received.

One of my first and revered mentors, Ed, facilitated a deep transformational process in a group weekend of “Self Acceptance Training”.  His mentor and my friend is now on his deathbed as I write this.  The mantra Ed spoke to me:  I choose not to fight for I have already won…

Dave Donatiu at Denver Labor Day Tango Festival 2009 - Photo by Paul Akmajian

I sit here on Friday early afternoon before the “welcoming milonga” feeling into my state of being as to how I am showing up right now.  What am I feeling?  Where is my attention?  What are my intentions?

I remind myself that right before the last Denver Tango Festival at Memorial Day, Ulysses proposed doing two things – be kind and confident to myself and others.  This proposal opened the doorway to realizing that my incessant inkling of a profound deeper truth existing in Tango, actually exists - The Tango Matrix.  My journey in three months time has wrenched my heart and soul into insights and awarenesses that leave me confronted with a salient bottom line certainty- I get to choose how I show up in the world, yet often I do not.

I believe my choice of showing up originated from as early as I became a sentient being, whenever that was.  Obviously, several levels of showing up can be found.  Yet here I am, aware that I usually do not consciously show up, and certainly do not choose with gusto most of the time.   However, I could enter the milonga hall in 2 hours with an indifference, an unconscious way of being, and still dance, connect, talk, laugh, smile, and be.

But what SCREAMS AT ME are the consequences of being indifferent after experiencing the astonishing power of Magic through the Tango Matrix.  I can continue to feel as I do now- sleepy, somewhat numb, reserved and lightly held back, a little sad and lonely, all because I am not fully showing up.

Many of you who know me would probably say, and do tell me, that you see me as happy, joyful in dancing, smiling a lot, playful and energetic.  I am.  Yet I am also keenly aware of greater levels of showing up – a deeper truth in showing up.  The MAGIC of The Tango Matrix clearly and distinctly offers a vast level of presence, composure, empathy, connection and joy.

What is available within the world of Magic is wonderous, immense, bold, joyous and supremely fulfilling.  How I access this world is through intention, consciousness and humility, dropping into my presence, heart, body, and allowing the wonderment of each individual I connect with to radiate and fill me.  This is a stronger way of showing up, bringing myself to the party/ milonga.

Reflecting on showing up brings to mind the words: intimacy- allowing others to see me by feeling my emotions and breath; presence- feeling my body, breathing into my own lungs, owning my space; awareness- aware of my environment, and intentionally breathing into the presence of others; and connection- opening unconditionally to my partner’s state of being.

SHOWING UP directly impacts the quality of my experience in Tango, on and off the floor in the milonga.  And just as important is that the quality of the dance and my partner’s experience is immensely impacted by how I show up.

In an e-mail, Ulysses weighed in on showing up and Tango:

“Dave, showing up IS Tango, as well as our expression of life.  How we show up IS connection and our tanda on the dance floor: our body’s movement and breath, our partner’s movement and breath, the Tango music and its breath, and the movement and breath of every other couple on the dance floor.  To not show up is to not know Tango.”

As I contemplate how to relate my experience of the Baltimore Tango Element Festival itself, I can say that this was my 30th festival and is 2nd from the bottom of my ranking of quality of festival experiences.  I am only talking of MY experience, not necessarily the quality of the festival itself.

I take many arenas into consideration when I consider my festival experience such as: quality of DJ’ing; who attends; level of snobbishness/ cliquishness; navigation skill and following of navigation codes; how other Tango codes are used; seating arrangements; quality of entrance/ exit from milonga floor; temperature controls; food, snacks, water, coffee availability; performances and their quality and length; quality of announcements; milonga lighting quality; sound quality; organizational quality; meet and greet quality; experience of tracking participants’ payment and milonga/ class entrance; timeliness of events’ start and end; hotel quality including timeliness of staff response to issues, bathroom upkeep and quality with other customer service issues; venue quality, variety and ease of transportation to and from venues; how teachers conduct themselves on and off the dance floor…  The list goes on.

Even though I do not formally assess on paper, I could assess and assign a number on a scale for each arena similar to many other industries.  I wonder if others would be interested in this information?  Just knowing the arenas of ranking would give a festival organizer valuable insight and information to make their festivals better.

Of course, everyone has different experiences at a festival, including what is important to them.  However, everyone would probably experience some level of discomfort and frustration with the lack of air conditioning in a hot and humid milonga hall.  How festival arenas effect each individual varies.  And some of these festival arenas outweigh others.  If five of my favorite tangueras showed up and danced a lot with me, low rankings in other arenas just would not matter much.  In addition, festivals are experienced different from a follow’s perspective vs. a lead’s perspective.

With all this said, I did have many wonderful dances, connections and creation of memories.  Even though I probably will not attend again, I am glad I attended and want to share some of the memories that were created in addition to what I shared in my last entry- Baltimore Tango Elements Festival Part 2- Creating Memories.

I hung out with my good friend and first Tango festival buddy, Sarah.  Such good memories of several festivals we both traveled to, and our sharing of all that happened during so many milongas.  I have enjoyed all the debriefing of Tango happenings.

I also had a spectacular dinner with a professional coach.  Our conversation contained sharing of personal growth/ transformational technologies and methodologies.  This brought up many memories of my participation in these organizations- both positive and an acknowledgement of restrictions in fundamental cosmologies.  I treasure befriending people like her, for all of the shenanigans of Tango melt away while connecting with my good Tango friends.

Another mention are the performances Sabastian Arce and Chicho gave, which astonished me, inspired me, and thrilled the participants.   The thunderous clapping got 5 dances out of Sabastian and 6 out of Chicho.  WOW!  The expertise and cutting-edge explorations certainly showed me some of the places Tango can go.

And, one of my favorite memories is how at 5:15 AM in the Baltimore airport I met up with 5 other Tangueras/os.  If we all had not been so tired, we would have probably danced.  Just hanging out with these friends supplied me with a deep sense of community and well being.  Yum!

Now, onto the Denver Labor Day festival…

Baltimore's Inner Harbor

Now and then a Tango festival offers more insights off the dance floor than on.  Baltimore’s Tango Elements Festival held more outside its milonga halls, continuing my journey with the Tango Matrix through the conjuring of memories.

My festival started in the Baltimore airport as I reminisced with my father over the phone about our past trips to Lexington Market and the Inner Harbor when I lived 45 min. from Baltimore as a kid from age 5-10.  I looked forward to seeing downtown Baltimore during my Super Shuttle ride over to the Tremont Plaza Hotel.  However, after observing the area around Lexington market run down, and viewing the fact that a huge section of an aisle of the market was selling TP, I knew lot had changed and I would not be walking in that area.

On Friday I left on an excursion to the Inner Harbor- quite a touristy area.  I remembered my father taking me to Fort McHenry for lunch, here at the Inner Harbor.  I do not have many good memories of my childhood, so the ones I remembered on Friday were precious.

Other memories that the Inner Harbor called to mind were during my employment as a national trek leader where I drove 4,000 miles every 3 weeks in a 15 passenger van with 13 international customers age 25-35, visiting National parks, forests, city life, night life, attractions and adventures.  I once brought my tourists to Baltimore’s Inner Harbor.  This conjured a time filled with several rich and intense adventures, and reminded me how I used to explore so much more.  My desire climbed to want to explore the world further through Tango.

And a funny thing happened – I ran into a tanguera, Alice (pseudonym), and asked her if she would like my company.  We went off an a mini-adventure which led us first to the American Visionary Art Museum.  Though Alice chose this destination, I willingly went along with an adventurous spirit.  Wow!  If I would have known what I was to stumble upon, I would have visited the museum the day I arrived!  Here is an excerpt that explained their current exhibit of “The Marriage of Art, Science and Philosophy.”:

This exhibition’s 100+ visionary artists/ scientists/ inventors and philosophers take a fresh look at the very notion of flight, color, sound, pattern, number, scale, and purpose in their personal pursuit of wonder.  Along its way, we honor our human need to make sense of all the big questions of existence – an historic and mighty itch, aching to get scratched.  In physics, we call it, “the hunt for a unified theory of everything,” and in religion and myth, is what fuels accounts of creation and Divine intention.  This human longing to know the unknowable is what led French visionary artist Louis Souter, to declare, “If the impossible exists, I’m on its track!”

Once again synchronicity with its magic imbibed my Soul as it pulled me to this unique destination with Alice.  I reveled and contemplated the words, sights and sounds of these visionaries as I felt Divine presence and inspiration.  A summation of all that I had thought before as well as what my present path held with the magic of what lay beyond the Tango Matrix shone as I walked among the works.  Representing and/or residing within the walls of this museum were Tantra, Buddhism, Quantum Physics, String Theory, drawings, “Singing, You Dance on My Eardrum” exploration-of-sound, Einstein, Arthur C. Clark, Carl Sagan, sculptures, quilts, photos, crop circles, quotes of notable philosophers, and so much more.

Alice and I enjoyed discovering so many facets of the exhibit, and at one point we danced Tango to a particular exhibit’s music – “Fever” as sung by Peggy Lee.  For a quarter of a century I have held an underlying view and interest of the majesty of science, imagination and exploration.  This special exhibit exhilarated me, and supplied me with a knowing of being well aligned on my journey.

All in all the museum brought up the many years that I delved into the possibilities of technology, spirituality and science, and the promise of massive evolution of our species.  This museum experience summoned my appreciation for science and the pursuit of wonder, furthering my passion to explore more of the world of magic.

After the museum, our hunger led us to a Spanish Tapas restaurant where we went for an all-you-can-eat tapas special.  Our conversation took many turns.  Of particular interest to Alice- I shared my belief and synthesis of what underlies healing, growth and transformation – that we are Divine beings covering up our magnificence.  All we have to do is to drop into acceptance or our Selves by uncovering our layers of resistance.  I shared how I think way too many personal growth programs and technologies only offer another layer of resistance by programming a way to deal with a problem, instead of dealing with the layer of resistance.  In effect, the programming becomes another layer of resistance.

My sharing evoked the memory of 13 years as a professional body-centered psychotherapist and facilitating and witnessing so many healings and people making their lives better.  I gave this up shortly before Tango caught me.  However, the conversation materialized a new inclination to once again assist people in bettering their lives – probably through uncovering their own passion, purpose and calling.

After returning to the hotel from a long afternoon of adventure and conjuring of memories, I laid down to nap before the milonga, feeling more wonder and magic waiting for me to explore.

And I did find some in the milonga halls and with friends…